Step by step...day by day..

I did lunch two days last week, with friends of mine. It was just lunch. Just friends. Yes, they were of the male persuasion. There was nothing romantic going on, nothing beyond friends.

But it was an eye opener. I left both lunches, and cried. Broke down and cried. Cried because I can’t do this. I can’t even be at lunch with a male friend because it’s just not Batman. I’m not ready to do this, I’m not sure I’ll ever be ready to do this. I don’t want to do this.

I told him (Batman) that I would never love anyone else but him. He was IT. There would be no one in my life after him. I would never love another, I would never date another, I would never sleep with another. Him or no one at all.

At the time he may have thought I was joking, and it may have sounded drastic and dramatic, but it was the truth, as I felt it, as I know it. I didn’t realize just how true it was until this past week, but now I know. There really will be no one else for me.

I knew that all along. I knew Batman was The One. I was so sure of it, that I burned every bridge I’d ever kept before. I told all the Knucklehead’s that I had met the man I was born to love. I walked away from all of them. I stopped calling them, stopped meeting them for drinks, stopped discussing the races with them. I cut all ties, burned all bridges. And never looked back, never regretted it. KNEW in my heart and soul, it was the right thing to do. Even now, in the midst of whatever this mess is we’re in, I can’t/won’t reach out to the Knucklehead’s. I don’t want them. I don’t want anyone. Except Batman.

Saturday was the worst day so far. Everything set me off. Not just tears threatening to spill, but gut wracking, soul emptying, crying. Crawl into bed and hide from the rest of the world. Breath and thought took too much effort. Nothing could distract me. Even my kids, god love them, with their hugs and kisses and attempts to understand, couldn’t help. And the guilt I felt for letting them see my grief, made everything so much worse.

One of the Knucklehead’s did call me last week, to see how I’m doing. I told him that my world had effectively fallen apart. His response? “So, your world fell apart, but you didn’t, did you? That is improvement, that is progress.” Yes, my world fell apart, but I didn’t. I may have crumbled, for a while, and at times, but I didn’t fall apart. I kept it together, I have weathered through it, and I continue on my path. Some days are harder than others, and some times take more effort than I think I can muster, but some how I manage.

I hurt. I miss him. I have a void in my life, and in my heart that he left behind. I love him still. I am waiting, and hoping, and still believing that in time, things will work out. In the end it will be OK. If it’s not ok, it’s not the end. And right now, it’s not ok, so it’s not the end.

A day at a time, a step at a time, whatever I can handle. Some days are easier than others, but I get through them all. Some days I look better at the end of the day than other days. Some days I’m still standing at the end. Some days I’m on my knees. Either way, I’m still breathing, and still hoping and still keepin’ on. The best that I can. The only way I know how, step by step.

Overheard at the office today...

"Why doesn't someone just come over here and shove a bunch of crap in this drawer so I can't find anything?
Oh wait, looks like someone already did!"

****************************************************************************

"Just keep those faxes coming in people. It's not like we have nothing else to do around here today."



I love my job...

How many of Me? How many of you?

Go check out this website: Click here

It tells you approximately how many people in the United States have the same first and last name as you.

148 people share my name

11 share Tate's

51 share Newt's

28 share Bo's

122 share Batman's

43 share Scooter's

52 share Princess's

Don't ask me why I checked on the last 3, you all know already.

How many share your name?

Girls and Guys

When you break a gal's heart, she still feels it when you run into each other 3 years later

When a gal is quiet, millions of things are running through her mind.

When a gal is not arguing, she is thinking deeply.

When a gal looks at you with eyes full of questions, she is wondering how long you will be around.

When a gal answers, "I'm fine, " after a few seconds, she is not at all fine.

When a gal stares at you, she is wondering why you are so wonderful.

When a gal lays her head on your chest, she is wishing for you to be hers forever.

When a gal says that she can't live without you, she has made up her mind that you are her future.

When a gal says, "I miss you", no one in this world can miss you more than that.

When a gal is mean to you after a breakup she wants you back, but she's scared she'll get hurt and knows you're gone forever

When a guy calls you he wants to be with you.

When a guy is quiet, he's listening to you...

When a guy is not arguing, he realizes he's wrong.

When a guy says, "I'm fine" after a few minutes, he means it.

When a guy stares at you, he wishes you would care about him and wonders if you do.

When you're laying your head on a guy's chest, he has the world.

When a guy calls you everyday, he is in love.

When a (good) guy tells you he loves you he means it.

When a guy says he can't live without you, he's with you till you're done.

When a guy says, "I miss you", he misses you more than you could have ever missed him or anything else

Our Story

Let me see if I can clear up some things. 3 months ago, I met Batman. I never really told anyone the story how we met.

I spent a weekend at the Lake this summer with some friends. A much-needed weekend away from my life. It was fun, it was relaxing. Nothing to do but swim in the pool, go out on the boat, b-b-q and drink a few beers. Nothing more serious to think about than, do I want another beer? While I’m there, they check their email, and there is an email from Plentyoffish.com, a free on-line dating website. One I’d never heard of, but since it’s completely free, why not.

I check it out when I get home, post a profile, and wait. I got a lot of hits. I made a lot of friends, chatted with a lot of people, but no one had ‘Meet in real life’ potential. Until I came across Batman’s profile. Something about his picture, something about his profile, kept drawing me back to him. So, I sent him a message, how he could find me on-line so we could chat.

Within minutes of sending that message, he starts chatting with me on line. Within the hour, we were talking on the phone. Often. A lot, hours at a time, about everything and nothing. The connection was instantaneous for both of us. It was nice, but it was somewhat scary how comfortable we felt with each other so quickly. That was August 2nd. The rest is history, as they say.

That weekend he took his kids camping at his brother’s place, but we spent the entire time on the phone. Sunday morning, at 6:00 he called me, he was up, the kids still asleep and he wanted to share a quiet early morning with me. I loved waking up with him, even if it was via phone. I distinctly remember thinking that weekend, “I love that man.” I wasn’t wrong.

Our first date was supposed to be August 9th, but he decided to surprise me and came up on the 7th instead. When we finally met face to face, it was as if I’d known him my entire life. It was so comfortable, easy, right. That weekend I went to his place and spent the entire weekend there.

When I got home, I had left him a letter that said…

I’ve been writing this letter in my head all weekend, praying you would hear what I couldn’t say to you. Time to put it on paper now, and tell you what I couldn’t say.

I fell in love this weekend, and it has nothing to do with my new camera. I fell in love with you, your kids, your parents, the entire family, but mostly you.

You asked me before, and then I wasn’t sure. I am now, more sure of this than anything else in my life. I love you.

The biggest regrets we have in life are things not done, risks not taken. I never want to regret not telling you how I feel. I want you to know, I love you. You may not be there yet, you’ll tell me when you are, but for now, know that I love you. Plain and simple, totally and completely, I love you.

I was right that day too. The very next day, while we chatted on line….

Batman: You have no idea how many times I had to catch myself from saying those words

Me: Why?

Batman: I didn't want you to think I was jumping the gun

Me: All I was waiting for was to hear you say them
Me: Feelings are never wrong

Batman: I agree
Batman: I LOVE YOU!!!! AND THE FEELINGS ARE REAL!!

I knew after that weekend, that I would marry him. He knew it too, we talked about it.

Batman: So this mean you are going to be around awhile I hope

Me: As long as you'll have me

Batman: I think we have already come to the conclusion that I feel the same about you that you feel about me.

Me: I'm in this for the long haul. I truly don't ever want to be with anyone else but you ever again

Batman: so when are we getting married then?

Me: Let's set a date

Batman: lol

Me: not the answer you were looking for?

Batman: I feel we should wait at least a few months before we jump into that. I didn't think you were coming back with that. But I do feel the same and don't want to be with anyone else. So it’s just a matter of time. You really caught me off guard on that one

Me: It really was off the cuff

Batman: I can see us spending the rest of our lives together. I do see a future and a very bright one.

I never questioned my feelings for him, NEVER. I always knew I would marry him someday. I knew he was the one for me. So, what changed? What happened? I happened.

I *never* doubted my feelings for him, but I began to question his feelings for me. I forgot men are from Mars, and women are from Venus. I forgot that men are like rubber bands, and they need to pull away every now and then in order to get close again. I forgot to trust that he was different from everyone who had come before him. I reacted instinctually, from my gut, from my past and assumed the worst. I let my demons whisper in my ears and I listened to their lies. I allowed the seeds of doubt they planted to take root and grow.

I assumed something was going on that truly wasn’t. I tried to talk to him, but because he was in that pulling away stage, he couldn’t talk to me. I forgot all that I had learned that was right, and reacted from all that I had learned that was wrong. I didn’t trust him, at the point I should have trusted him the most. I went looking for answers to questions he couldn’t answer for me. I went about finding answers, satisfying my own needs, instead of just trusting and respecting his needs. I never cheated on him. I did something behind his back, trying to find answers that I didn’t understand he couldn’t give me. I screwed up. Bigger than life. I know that now.

Lesson learned. I have apologized, repeatedly. He knows I am sorry. He knows that I love him. I know that he still loves me; he just can’t give me that love right now. But that doesn’t mean that he won’t in the future. I still believe he’s The One. I still cling to the belief we were meant to be. I know now, what I should have known all along. I can trust him, I can believe him, my past is my past and he’s not a part of that. He is my future. My feelings were real, and were right then, they are still real, and still right. I just acted wrong, because of my past, because of the ghosts that have never gone away.

Whew!

He didn't call last night. Not a big deal. Said he was going to The House to help Scooter with his science project. He doesn't lie.

He didn't call this morning on his way to work. Ok, again, not a big deal. Could have stayed at The House to help Scooter get the science project to school this morning. He said he was at The House last night. He doesn't lie.

I was worried there would be an ominous email waiting for me from him this morning. There wasn't.

Life's mysteries will be sorted out later today or even tonight.

I hate 13

Love is hard sometimes. It shouldn’t be, but sometimes it is. It’s really hard when you’re 13. Witness the drama that unfolded in my house last night….

I got home around 5:15-ish last night. Not late, by any means. When I got home, Bo was talking on his cell phone, and had been for almost an hour. I had some issues with that, (his chores weren’t done) but since one of the ‘demands’ in his father’s motion to modify was that I have no say over Bo’s phone usage, I let it slide. Let him see just how much his son would be on the phone, if left to his own devices.

He was apparently on the phone with his *new* girlfriend. Who happens to be in 9th grade (Bo’s in 7th) and has never laid eyes on my son. Her little sister is in Bo’s class. I have issues with this right off the bat. What does a 9th grader want with my son, whom she has never seen?

I did tell him he needed to get off the phone and do his chores. He hung up with her, and kid you not, hussy calls back 3 minutes later. When he doesn’t answer the phone, she hangs up and *immediately* calls right back, so I answer the phone.

Is Bo there?
Yes
Put him on the phone
Uh, I don’t think so, he can’t talk right now
When can he talk?
When I say he can.
Well tell him L called.
Oh, he knows.

In the next 90 minutes, the hussy calls my son no less than 14 times. He does not answer the phone b/c he’s eating dinner, taking a shower, doing the dishes. I tell him he can call her back after his shower. That’s when the real fun began.

He spends the next hour or so on the phone with her, listening to her chew his butt for not answering the phone when she calls, and threatening to ‘break up’ with him because of it. Oh, hell no. That hussy is not going to talk to my son like that. Who the hell does she think she is? So, I get on the phone with her.

Listen here, this is Bo’s mom, and you will not talk to my son that way. He has a life and responsibilities around this house that come before talking to you. You can leave him a message if he doesn’t answer and he’ll call you back when he can, but you will not control him like this.

After that little conversation with the psycho, she tells my son, “If your mother talks to me like that again, it’s over between us.” My son, who at this point has lost his mind, comes into my bedroom and tells me this. I simply say…’Hand me the phone.’

Instead, I call his father and get him involved. Maybe he can get through to our son, how completely insane this is. Uh, wrong. He’s pissed off that Bo’s been on the phone for over 2 hours tonight and has burned through over 120 minutes and jacked up the phone bill. (Uh, that’s what you get for telling me I can’t control his phone usage. You get outrageous phone bills. Wanna rethink that little demand you put in those papers? Yeah, I thought so.) He calls Bo, and starts to chew his ass (about the phone bill, not the psycho) and I can hear him yelling from another room. I go into Bo’s room to see what’s going on, only to find…(drum roll please…) Bo asleep with the phone on the nightstand, his father screaming his head off. Christ.

So, today, Bo will be given a different phone. One with no number pad on it, so he is limited to only calling preprogrammed phone numbers, and the phone will not accept any incoming calls from numbers not programmed in it. That solves the phone bill issue, but it does nothing to solve the girlfriend/boyfriend issue. The psycho girlfriend will be kicked to the curb today, but how do you explain to your 13 year old son that all that went on last night, was unacceptable? Poor kid, I’m telling this psycho hussy off, and he’s utterly mortified, and then apologizes to her for my behavior? Oh, wrong, wrong, wrong.

He doesn’t have to put up with that, and he sure as hell shouldn’t be begging her to not break up with him. He was all but begging her to stick around and abuse him some more. Oh, believe me, I can understand that, I can relate, I’ve been there. But it breaks my heart to see it in my son. It’s even more frustrating when his father completely misses the point of the whole situation.

I’ll let dad handle the phone bill issue. That seems to be the only problem he grasped out of the whole situation. I’ll deal with the more important issue, the emotional issue, the self esteem issue. God help us all.


ETA: His father just called, Bo has apparently used 400 minutes in 4 days. Hussy called and left a message for Bo "Hey Bo, It's over. If you want to know why, call me." His father said, don't even think about it. Christ the drama.

A Small Ray of Hope

Yesterday was Sunday. No surprise there. Around my house, that means RaceDay. NASCAR will be on, and I will be parked in front of the television watching. Been that way all season. Yesterday was no exception.

Sunday at Batman's house is not much different. Downstairs you can find football on the big screen. Upstairs, Zoom Zoom is on. B is sprawled out on his bed, watching the race, napping halfway through it.

3:00 my phone (the Batphone) rings, and it's him. I hadn't called or text messaged him at all. So I was surprised (in a really good way) that he called. I knew why he was calling... Zoom Zoom was on.

Hey B, what's up?

Nothing, got your message, thought I'd call.

I didn't send you a message today. That was yesterday, and we already talked. (Sounds like a good excuse to me)

Oh, I didn't see the date. Anyway, whatcha doing?

Watching the race. (He knows what I'm doing. He misses me! Hee hee)

At mom's?

Nope, I'm home.

Alone?

Uh, yeah, alone. (Jealous? Maybe? Please?) What's up? You ok? Sounds like something's bothering you? Kids better today?

Oh, just watching the race, thought I'd call. Yeah, kids are better today. Didn't sleep very well last night.

Oh, ok (missed me beside you, didn't ya? Yeah, I know how you feel.)

We talked for a while longer. He said he missed me. Said he would be taking the kids back to their mom's around 4:30-5:00, he would call when he left there.

I can't put into words why, but there is a small ray of hope there. We talked more last night, and really, what was said was completely unimportant. But he misses me, and we were closer last night than we have been in a while.

While I don't believe for half a second, things will turn around over night for us, I now have a little bit more hope that we might find our way out of this, eventually.

A Miracle has happened!

Yeah, not THAT miracle. Batman hasn't come to his senses just yet. This one is even BIGGER than that.

The Slug called me this morning (so much for restraining orders... sheesh) to tell me that the Sitter had rushed her husband Pop to the hospital this morning. Slug was pretty freaking unclear about details (he never was good at that, and when it comes to medical stuff, he's clueless) but said something about kidneys shutting down. It does not look very good right now. (Here's where the prayers/good thoughts are needed. Please send good vibes to Pops and The Sitter.)

So we will have to make other arrangements for the girls after school. He had the audacity to tell me I would have to take a few days off work to keep the girls. Uh, hello? Why should I miss work and not get paid, since you don't even have a job?
I start a new job tomorrow.

I guess when the judge tells him "You need to get a lawyer, like yesterday" mama done told him "You need to get a freakin' job, like 2 days ago." And wham bam, when you threaten him with court and custody, bingo, he all of a sudden finds employment.

Do you know what that means? DING DING CHA-CHING! That's right, the child support payments should start rolling in now, with every paycheck. Halleluja! Miracles never cease to amaze me.

And if a miracle of this proportion can happen, then Batman coming to his senses and working this out with me, well, that miracle should be no problem at all.

Today has been Hell,

Today has been rough, to say the least, the VERY least. It started at 5:00, wide awake, unable to sleep another minute longer. That's what time we would always start to wake up, even on weekends, even though we would linger in bed for a couple more hours, watching the news, drinking coffee. My internal alarm is now set for 5:00. Another reminder of another time.

I don't know how to get him him out of my head yet. There's no way to get him out of my heart. I don't know how to let him go, and still continue to believe we'll be together someday. That's too far away, and too painful, and right now it seem so damn impossible.

I don't know how to make the hurt go away. I don't know how to fill the void he has left in my life, in my heart. I have spent today in virtual hell. I have been home, alone today. My first weekend at home, alone, in 12 weeks. There have been times I have felt like I have run full speed right into a brick wall. The pain of being alone, away from him, takes my breath away.

Mom says "Get up, do laundry, clean the house, keep yourself busy." I can't. Breathing right now takes too much effort. I can't function today. I hurt so much. I know that it will get better, I know that this will fade, that I will go on. I just don't know how right now. I just don't want to right now. I don't want to be here, I want to be 'home' with him, where I belong, where my heart is.

Everything I have tried to tell myself in the past couple of days, is all beginning to sound like desperate attempts to fool myself into believing something that is highly unlikely. That hurts and scares me too.

I have no doubt in my mind, that I loved him, truly loved him. I still do. I knew from day 3 I loved him. I have no doubt that I truly believed I would marry him someday. It's hard to hold on to that belief and let him go at the same time. I believe he was The One for me. He was everything I ever wanted and all I ever dreamed of and so much more. I was so sure about all of this, that I told every other person in my life, I had found my Prince Charming, and I was done. I know I will never love another man, as long as I life. I know I will never sleep beside another man for the rest of my life. If I can't have Batman, I won't be with anyone else.

It's hard reconciling the two, holding on to the belief we are meant to be, and letting him go at the same time. I don't know how. I guess this is just a huge test of faith and trust, both of which I have in very short supply. Neither one are my strong suit.

I don't know how to do this. I'm not any good at it. It hurts too much. And yet, I will find a way to do it. I will find a way to go on. Baby steps for now, small, managable, moments in time. One breath at a time, even though it feels as if a ton of bricks are sitting on my chest, making every breath more effort than I can muster.

Pray, hope, faith, trust. What other choices do I have?

How do you.....

Say good-bye when you're not ready and it's not what you want?

Stop thinking about him every minute of every day?

Let go, when you believe in your heart he is The One?

Stop the pain and the ache and the emptiness in your heart where he used to be?

Learn to let go, and move on, when your mind is still hung up on what used to be, and what could have been?

Find answers the hundreds of questions that run through you mind all day long, that have no answers at all?

Stop looking for clues that this is going to work out in the end?

I have the best family! I love them, and they love me

It has been a really rough week, hell, 2 weeks. My heart has been through the wringer and my emotions have run the gamut. But I'm still standing, thanks to the love and support of my family.

I called my brother Wednesday night, right before my world fell apart. I knew it was going to, I knew the phone call from Batman that night was just perfunctionary, as we had already discussed the inevitable in emails all day. I called my brother, first to find out exactly how/when did he know that my SIL K was The One. I mean, I have thought (known) B was The One for me, almost from the beginning. But now, I was beginning to have doubts. Did I know it or was it just me hoping and reading way too much into things, (Again)? He knew within a week, even though they couldn't be together right away.

We talked, and he tried to explain the inner workings of a man's brain and his heart. What was said is just between us, but it was incredibly helpful and insightful, and explained so much to me. It gave me hope, but not false hope. He offered advise, his opinion, his love and support with no lectures. He was absolutely wonderful.

Yesterday, at work, I saw him on-line and dropped in to say thank you. Sent him a link to this blog, and he read it. We had another short, yet deep meaningful conversation then too. He gave me some things to think about, but mostly he was honest and didn't pull punches. He told me what he thought, and offered his support. Thanks Bud. I love you.

My sister popped in today, and from my previous post, you can tell, did her 'Sister Thang" with me, and pulled my head from my ass, cleared the fog that was clouding my brain, and pointed me in the direction I needed to be in to get my head straight too. She's good for that.

Then tonight, I didn't want to go home and face an empty apartment. I had just spent 2 exhausting hours at my attorney's office finishing the papers we need to file for the motion to modify. (That is another headache in and of itself, and well I don't want to think about it right now). So, I called mom and asked if I could come up and hide out at her place for a while.

Lucky for me, when I got there she was alone, and we got the chance to really talk. Even mom, in the midst of her own drama (her story to tell, not mine) was there offering support and encouragement. Telling me 'Don't give up on him. Do you love him enough to walk through hell for him? (I'm about to enter something much worse than Dante's Inferno) Do you believe in your heart, do you know beyond all doubt that he's the one? (I was pretty sure I knew that.) Do you believe it, even if he doesn't know it yet? (yeah, I know it, he doesn't get it yet, but I know). Then hold on to the hope, hold on the belief, hold on to the love. Even if he walks away, even if he dates other people for now, hold on to what you know.

Sis knew with her B that she was meant to be with him, even as he took pictures of her when she married someone else. Bud knew he was meant to be with K, even when he lived thousand of miles and several time zones, and states away.

Mom asked me Is this different than any other relationship you've had? (Yes) How? I instinctively know things about him, about us, before he does. I knew I loved him before I laid eyes on him. The first weekend I spent with him I knew I would marry him . I knew the exact moment he fell in love with me, long before he told me. I knew something was wrong, over a week before he did. I know when he's sick, I know when he's tired, I know when he has a headache. I know from the sound of his voice, exactly what is going on in his life that day. I know that I will never love another man. I know that I will never sleep beside another man as long as I live. If I am not with B, I will be alone. I have never questioned any of this. But I have questioned How do I know? Do I really know or am I just building up nothing into a whole lot of something it's not?

There has always been something different about my relationship with Batman. The dads' radar went off early (6 weeks into our relationship) that this one matters. Both of them, in a 24 hour period, asked me when I would be moving to be closer to Batman, and when we would be getting married. Everyone I have talked to (at least in my family, b/c I've only talked to them and him) has told me, if this is meant to be, it will all work out in the end. Just hold on to that. You both know that there are things you need to work out, but in the grand scheme of the rest of your life, even a year (if it takes that long) is a drop in the bucket.

So, thank you, Mom, Bud, Sis, for loving me, and supporting me. Thank you for offering you opinions and your advice. Thank you for the swift kicks in the ass when they are needed. Thank you for the tissues when they are needed. Thank you for believing in us as much as I do, and for telling me to never give up hope, to hold on to what I have. Thank you for pointing out things I didn't see with my own eyes, because I couldn't see past the pain and the hurt. Thank you for keeping me ever present in the moment instead of wondering off on a tangent of what used to be, what could have been, what I want to be. Thank you for pointing out the demons of my life that still need to be slain. I know that I will only truly be free to love Batman with all that I am, when the demons of my past all lay dead at my feet by my own hand. Thank you for not allowing me to hide from life, for not allowing me to wallow in self pity and depression this weekend. Thank you for showing me I am strong, and I can survive and do it gloriously this weekend.

Thank you for being my family. I love you all

Getting right in my head and heart

I have been held hostage this morning by my over-thinking mind, and my still raw emotions. I have caved to the depression, the hurt, and the tears. But once again, talking to my sister has cleared the fog in my head.

Sis popped up on my IM this morning, just checking in. Read my post from yesterday, and wanted to make sure I am ok.

Me: I still believe B is The One, and maybe we just need to go through this, he needs to go through this, before we can be together. Know what I'm trying to say?

Lil Sis: Sure, but I also think that YOU need to go through it, too, yes? I mean, I don't know what happened for certain, but I know for myself that when I screw up, the only way for me to fully learn a better way is to see the whole process through to the end. Maybe the lesson for you is at the very end? Or maybe you've already learned it? I mean, I don't know - it's not my place to guess. I just know that all things in life are processes - and usually the benefit of the process isn't achieved until the process is finished

Me: I learned, I could have trusted him, believed him all along, I just didn't see it b/c my past still clouded my judgment. When I asked him "If I hadn't done what I did, would this still be happening?" He answered "I don't know." So I know it wasn't just me, there were other things. I know what they were, to an extent

Lil Sis: well, it's gonna be a journey for certain.


I realized this morning, that I need to think things through and get things settled in my head and heart as well. And what Sis said rang true, made some sense. I reached down, deep inside, found the strength inside that I know I have, and pulled myself together.

I once asked Sis “How will I know when I have found The One?” and she told me, “When he is everything you’ve ever wanted, and all you’ve ever dreamed of.” I still believe that B was/is that for me. He was/is everything I ever wanted and all I ever dreamed of. I spent a long time, looking for the deal breaker, I never found it. He would constantly amaze me with all he was willing to do and give, with everything he was.

I believe now, that he’s just not ready for all our love could become, at least not yet. His divorce has not been final a full year yet. His relationship with EW (ex-wife) was 18 years long. He’s has admitted that he’s not ready to be a part of another full fledge family. He still needs time and space to find himself. I understand that, I’ve been there.

In all honesty, I am not ready to commit to all our love could be. Not yet. I may be free from my past according to the law, the courts and the state, but the reality of the situation is vastly different. The law, the courts, all decree that I am single and free to live my own life free from control, restraint, and interference from my past. That is not my reality.

The drama my past continues to create in my past, the fact that he exploits every possible angle he can find to control my life, makes me and my life just too much. There are still too many issues from my past that are unresolved, and will never be resolved as long as things continue the way they are. Those issues make my life difficult, and messy, ugly, and daunting to an outsider. It is unfair to expect an outsider to come into my life and accept all that baggage, when it’s not their battle in the first place. I truly should be completely free from my past, before I reach out and embrace what the future hints at for us.

I need time, and space, to free myself from the clutches my past still claims on my life. When I have successfully extracted my life from the tentacles of my past, when I can come to him free and clear, standing on my own, with my children, then, and only then can I expect him to accept me and my children. Then and only then can we begin to explore the true possibility of our life and love, the love that I know we are capable of having and sharing.

We both still have issues from our past that we need to work through. I have learned through all of this, that I could have trusted him all along, but I didn’t. I let my past cloud my judgment, and affect my present. I should have trusted him, trusted in us, given him what he needed with understanding and trust instead of freaking out with jealousy and insecurity. What he asked for, what he needed, or wanted wasn’t impossible for me to give. Ok, in all honesty, it *was* impossible for me to give but it shouldn’t have been impossible.

I believe that right now, it’s hard to walk away. It’s hard to admit the time is not right. It hurts to know that I know he’s out there, that I’ve have the incredible luck to already have loved him, but we’re not ready yet for all we could (will) be. I am in no way giving up hope. I am not in any way ending everything between us. I will continue to be his friend, I will continue to share as little or as much of my life with him that we can both accept. I will continue to keep the lines of communication open between us. If this love, our love, is truly meant to be, then we’ll come back together in the future, when we’re *both* ready and able to handle all that it will be.

Today would have been 3 months, last night we said goodbye*

Today would have been 3 months for us, last night we said Good-bye. For now.

Yesterday, as the solid ground I thought I had been standing on finally gave way, and I felt like I would crumble with it. I reacted with my guts, with instincts, with emotions. I forgot in the dark, all that I had learned in the light.

We talked via emails yesterday, and I felt like I was fighting for my life. I reacted with emotions. I forgot all I had learned in therapy, I forgot to step back, I forgot to set up boundaries. I forgot in the dark, all that I had learned in the light. Yesterday afternoon he stopped responding to my emails, and when he did, I stopped sending them, and finally took the step back that I needed. I stopped reacting with emotions, and started to think with logic and reason and calm.

I knew yesterday I wouldn’t be going ‘home’ to him, and I dreaded it. Yesterday morning I dreaded. Yesterday at lunch I avoided the apartment, I didn’t want to be there. At 4:30 I dreaded it. At 5:00 I left work with a heavy heart. Every breath was an effort, every step taking me closer to a place I didn’t want to be. My heart screamed to go ‘home’ but my head knew home wasn’t there any more. It had to be here. At 5:15 I walked into my empty apartment, and welcomed the quiet and the solitude. I didn’t think I would be able to do that, but I did.

I sat down with my notebook journal and wrote “I am numb and resigned. There is nothing left to feel, and nothing left to do. It’s over, and I have to accept it. I have beat myself up emotionally today, and would have worn myself out trying to change his mind long before I gave up. Begging, pleading, crying would do no good. His mind is not to be changed, and I realized that if I had tried he could very well have ended up hating me.”

I know that I can not lay the blame for this at his feet, but I refuse to shoulder the blame for it alone. We both share in that. I did what I did, and I have my reasons, none of which excuse it. I asked him last night, “I had not done what I did, would this still be happening?” and after a long silent pause, he answered honestly, “I don’t know. There has been so much going on and I was feeling so overwhelmed and stressed. I just don’t know.” I am not wholly to blame for this.

My sister told me once “If we can allow ourselves to truly be present, in the moment with ourselves and if we can trust that the universe can lead us to things when we’re ready to be led to them, then the end result is ultimate growth, empowerment, expansion, wisdom, courage, strength, and a deep and sincere understanding of our worth and our sense of self and our meaning for being on this planet.” I had spent so much time and energy focusing on what was, what could have been, what might be, what I wanted to be, that I wasn’t accepting what was. In not accepting what was, I was making myself sick, trying to control something completely out of my control. It was only when I accepted what knew was inevitable, was I able to say Good bye to him on my terms, in my own way, and gain back some degree of control over the situation.

My mother tells me I have the blood of warriors in my veins, and I come from a long line of strong women. It’s time I found my strength and join their ranks. I have made decisions regarding my future. I have made a plan, with his support, and his encouragement. I have started that journey and I will not stray. With or without him in my life, I will follow this path to the end, because it is the right thing to do.

There is a fine line between blind faith and complete denial. I’m not sure exactly what side of that line I’m on right now. I know that I love him, I know that he still loves me, I know there are issues that need to be resolved first. I have faith that we will find a way back to each other someday. We may have closed a chapter in our story, but we have not closed the book.

*I wrote a way better version of this post last night, but god damn computer screwed the file up when I saved it this morning, and now it is forever lost.

Is there a distinction between Blind Faith and Complete Denial?

I won’t blog about it all today, because there is much left unresolved. There is much to work out and talk about tonight, and still so many questions without answers. Promises made that now can’t be kept. Plans made based on those promises, and then acted on, now I’m adrift in an ocean of uncertainty.

Lost and floundering, drowning in emotions too real and too raw to even think about let alone touch. So many wants and needs that will go unanswered, leaving gaping holes in my heart and soul.

Ambiguity is a double edge sword. Offering hope when in reality there probably is none. In trying to avoid the inevitable, it makes the truth much much worse.

I have hit my brick wall, and I just want to lay down and be done. Every minute is a lifetime. Every breath takes too much energy. I want nothing more than ‘home’ and now it seems home is gone. I have nothing, I feel nothing. Tomorrow is a hell I don’t want to face. I don’t want to face anything without him.

Things that make me smile

I have had more than my fair share of tears this week. I have been spending way too much time and energy focused on all that is wrong in my life. Isn’t it time to focus on some good things in my life?

Things that make me smile

• 
  My girls understand that sometimes it takes nothing more than a simple cup of coffee to bring tears to the surface, and they are always there with open arms and loving hugs.
• Tomorrow is November. I love this time of year, I love the cool crisp air, the colored leaves on the trees, burning candles that smell of pumpkin or cider, curling up on the couch under a warm blanket with a good book.
• I have packed away a lot of my summer tank tops, and shorts and skirts and I dug out my sweaters, sweatshirts and sweatpants this weekend. I love nothing more than a big warm sweater and a cute pair of jeans.
• I love jean jackets and I love leather jackets.
• I look at Newt, who turned 7 this year, and am completely amazed that it’s been 7 years since I brought that bundle of joy home from the hospital. He may have been a complete and total surprise, but she has become the light and joy of my life. I am proud of her beyond words. She is independent and strong and smart and funny and cute. Everything I wish I could be.
• Knowing that even though my life is about to become very complicated and difficult, I have my mother firmly in my corner, offering up prayers and good thoughts for me, for this legal battle, even for me and Batman, every single day. She gets how much he matters to me, and she tells me she’s praying for us, and that she hopes we work it out.
• My sister, who knows all that is good and bad and ugly about me, and while she doesn’t always agree with me, and doesn’t always like me, she does always love me. She offers to listen when I need to talk, and she really listens. She offers her opinion, sometimes. I have yet to ask her what she thinks of Batman, but it was enough for now to know that she thinks he’s ‘alright’. She keeps her lectures to a bare minimum. She’s always honest, and always tells me where she stands. She is my true north, and I love her.
• My life could be so much worse than it is right now. I can handle what is on my plate for the time being. And I know that when the time comes that I need to handle more, when it becomes more dramatic, when it becomes more hectic, then I will find the strength I need within myself and handle my life then too.

Happy Halloween?

This morning was my court date, for the 3 orders of protection against C2 (forever to be known as ‘The Slug’). It went exactly as expected. The judge didn’t go right down the docket (alphabetical order) oh no, he went by groups. As in, groups where the respondent has not been served. Groups where the respondent will consent to the order of protection. Consenting to it means there will not be a judgment ordered against the person. They don’t have to agree with the charges in the order, but they consent to avoid all contact.

Lucky for me, he consented to the order, and agreed there would be absolutely no contact between us. He of course, wanted to get an order of protection against me, but the judge told him there was no reason. He wasn’t allowed to have contact with me, not talk to me, whatever. So if I called, he didn’t have to answer the phone. The judge did suggest that any matters pertaining to the girls be handled through written mediums so that there could never be any dispute as to what was said.

The orders of protection for the girls were, of course, dismissed. But we (my lawyer and I) agreed to that, because we are filing the motion to modify this week. The judge told him ‘You need to leave here, run to a lawyer’s office and get you a lawyer, like yesterday. You need a lawyer in the worst possible way. Like yesterday.’

It went exactly as expected, and now he knows there is a motion to modify coming down the line. The plan to move closer to St. Louis has been put on hold. Originally I wanted to be there by December 1st, but that is not going to happen. The plans have been put on hold indefinitely.

Yesterday I renewed my lease on my apartment. I had the option to sign a 12 month lease, a 6 month lease, and a month-to-month lease. I decided to go with the month-to-month, so that if this whole thing gets settled in less than 6 months, I can move as soon as possible.

I went to the sitter this morning and asked her if I could change my pay dates. I had been paying her every two weeks, but now that I’m not getting child support from The Slug, I am living pay check to pay check, and well, paying the sitter every week, out of every paycheck, leaves me a little more breathing room, to pay bills and to live on. Thank god, she agreed to that.

Things are falling into place, rather nicely. Now it’s just a matter of getting things in gear, and start the motion because it’s going to escalate really quickly. Now the fun begins.

I have nothing new to add about Batman. Things are still pretty much the same. We still talk, he still doesn’t say “I love you” but we still talk. I’ll take what I can get. Last week, I asked him “If I give you the space you want this week, will I be able to come back and see you next week?” (meaning this week, specifically tomorrow) His answer was “That’s the plan.” But obviously things have changed, other things have happened, and now I’m not sure I will be going to see him tomorrow. I have resigned myself to not going tomorrow, but I am going to fight for the weekend. I am leaving tomorrow up to him. I’m not going to mention it, I’m not going to ask. Let him mention it to me, if he does mention it at all. More wait and see.

Happy Halloween to all you Trick-or-Treaters tonight. Be safe, have fun. There will be pictures tomorrow of my kiddos. Tate is going as a football cheerleader. Newt will be a basketball player, and Bo will be

Progress Report

There is hope. I won’t go into a lot of great, boring details. Suffice it to say he still calls when he says he will, he sounds more relaxed, less stressed. He hasn’t walked away.

Because there is still hope, and because our last few phone calls have been less stressful and more relaxed, (although we deliberately avoid talking about the Pink Elephant that is sitting between us), I feel less desperate, less overwhelmed.

I got through my worst day of the week yesterday. Yes, the tears were at times just under the surface, threatening to spill. But I got through it.

The two ‘best friends’ demons that have been hanging around, are slithering away, losing their power over me. They are not nearly as enticing, their promises ring hollow to me. I am finding strength in myself, and finding that I don’t need them, or want them around, like I thought.

We are nowhere through the woods. I can accept not being able to see him this Wednesday night, but I still panic at the thought of having to stay away next weekend. Especially without my children to distract me and keep me busy. I am praying things change significantly by Friday that I can spend the weekend there with him.

One day at a time. My mother tells me ‘Remember in the dark what you have learned in the light.’ And I cling to that. I tackle what I can handle, and nothing more. One day at a time. I talked to him this morning. I know I will talk to him later today, (not sure exactly when), and for now, that’s enough. Maybe tonight, after he’s home, after dinner, we can talk more. I’ll just play it by ear, and see what happens.

Anonymous Comments

Someone in my town left an anonymous comment on my blog this weekend.  I don’t mind comments left by people I don’t know, that just means someone else besides family and friends is reading my blog.  If I didn’t want it read, I wouldn’t put it out there.  No big deal.

What gets to me is, if you feel your opinion is important enough to voice it, and you think I’m going to give a good god damn about what you think about my blog, then at least own up to it and sign your name.  Anonymous opinions hold very little weight with me.  If you can’t claim it, and can’t own it, then don’t bother.  Does it matter if I know you or not? No.  At least have the courage and conviction to own your opinion.  Otherwise, keep them to yourself.

I could go on to respond to what was said here, but you know, if they don’t feel strong enough about what they said to put their name behind it, then I figure they really don’t care whether I respond or not.  I will say this.  Thanks to the constitution, I have the right to say what I want, and post what I want on my blog.  You also have the right to never come back here if you don’t like what you read. It’s called freedom of choice.  I’m not going to change a damn thing about my life just because of something they said.  I am not looking for sympathy or pity on my blog. I am simply venting, writing, purging, whatever. My blog is more for my benefit than any one else’s.

I can say this much, I have already at this point, in this post, wasted way too much of my time and energy writing about this person, and defending something I do that does not require a defense.  Simply put, if you don’t like what I post on my blog, then don’t come back. It won’t bother me one bit.  

Getting through

So many songs we have listened to, sung to, in his car, where he reaches for my hand, gives it a squeeze, smiles at me. Now, to hear them, settles the weight on my heart again, making it harder to breathe. I cling so tightly to every little thing I have that is his, that brings him closer to me, that reminds me of him, that brings back memories of happy times. Hoping, praying, believing we will some how make it through this, but knowing right now, we are not ok, we are not solid, we are not fine. I am still standing on the edge with the solid ground I stood on crumbling away from under me. Will it stop before I fall? It will stop before I am lost?

Tears are always just under the surface, and I fight all day to keep them at bay. Some times it is so easy to do, and at other times, they fall unbridled. I am so, so incredibly sorry. I know that I screwed up, I know that I made a huge terrible mistake. There is no way he can possibly hate what I did more than I do. I know that this is squarely in his hands now, it is up to him, our future, our life is literally in his hands right now.

Every day is a struggle. Some things are easy to breeze through, other things feel insurmountable. Some times out of the blue I break down and cry, but only for a short while. My mind seems to be obsessed with thoughts of him, always wondering what he's doing, does he think of me, and miss me as much as I miss him? Everything I do is full of thoughts of him. It makes it hard to get through a day, but I don't know how to stop the constant thoughts of him.

I am hopeful, after last night, I am hopeful. Every day we talk, every day he doesn't leave, every day he doesn't end it all, is a good day and gives me more hope. There is hope. For whatever reason, I believe in us, and I know that we are worth fighting for. I hope, think, he believes that too.

Holding on to hope until there is absolutely none

I sat the kids down today and explained as simply as I could what was going on. They have a right to know what is going on, but they don’t need the details. I just explained that I did something that I shouldn’t have done, and B got mad about it. I know what I did was wrong, and then I made it worse and lied about it. I know that was wrong too, I know it was stupid, and I have told him I am sorry. He needs some time to think about things and decide what he wants to do about it. I told them, as of right now, B and I did not break up. He’s trying very hard to get past all of this so we don’t break up. He just needs some time to think. I told them, I think he loves me enough that he’s working hard to find it in his heart to forgive me, and give me another chance. He loves me enough that he’s not walking away right off the bat. He’s at least willing to try to work this out. The ultimate irony is, now that Batman and I are having trouble and our future is in doubt, my kids finally pipe up and declare, "We don’t want you and B to break up. We love him. We hoped you guys would get married."

It’s hard letting him be, giving him space. But I know that the longer I can leave him alone, and the less I bother him, the further that goes to prove to him that I can be trusted, and I will keep my word. I know that right now, it’s small steps, but small are better than none. He did tell me he would call me today sometime, and I am purposely working myself half to death so that I don’t pick up the phone and call him.

I have to hold on to hope that he believes in us too. I have to hope that love will be strong enough to convince him to give me a second chance. It seems apparent right now, anyway, that love has kept him from walking away, chucking it all straight out. It’s kept him here, and kept him trying to work around this. I have to cling to hope until there is absolutely none. He has said he doesn’t want this to end, he doesn’t want to walk away, but he’s having a hard time with this. And believe me, I can understand that. He actually said to me today, "If you want this to work at all, then you have to give me some time and space to get past this." That tells me right there, that he’s willing, he wants this to work too, and he’s telling me what he needs to do that. There is hope in that.

So, I surround it, claim it, and offer it up to whatever higher power is out there controlling my life. It truly is out of my hands, and that kills me, but I know that the best thing I can do is trust him, and let him work this out in his own way, in his own time. I have spent today on my knees alternately bawling like a baby, hopeless, empty, desperate, and praying to whomever is out there listening, please, please, please, let him listen to his heart and the love that I know is still there. Please let him know that I love him and I am sorry, and I swear it will never happen again. Please let our love be strong enough to weather this storm and pull us through.

I am not so naïve to think that we could come through this unchanged. We will be profoundly changed. The trust that is earned now will be greater, and stronger and surer, if we get to that point. I know that this is out of my hands now, all I can do is pray, hope, wait and see. I love him, I love him more than I’ve loved anyone before. I knew from the beginning this was the man I was born to love. Don’t ask me why I did something as stupid as this, I don’t have answers. I do, they are lame. I screwed up, bigger than sh*t, I screwed up. Now, I have to be adult about it and accept whatever repercussions there are to my actions. I hope beyond words, pray without ceasing that there is enough love there, and he loves me enough to not want to throw us away. Right now, he does. Let that love continue to grow and let him find a way to at least talk more, and work this out.

Standing on the precipice.

I cling desperately to the fact that he hasn't said 'We're through' yet. But it's teetering on the precipice. The past 24 hours has proved that.

He didn't call on his way home yesterday, but I guess I didn't really expect him to. He did say he would call me sometime last night. I talked to him on our way to school for the Fall Festival that Tate had to work at. He said he would call me later that night. He has always called when he said he would. I had to trust him.

He didn't call.

He wouldn't answer his phone.

Finally he called, at 9:15 this morning. Another 'We need to talk' phone conversation. I knew what was coming. He said, "We need to talk, but not with your kids around." Oh, no, let's do it now. 'It's over, isn't it?'

I'm having a hard time getting past this.

I understand that. I am sorry. It won't happen again. I can promise you that.

It's going to take time. I'm trying really hard to not just throw it all away but I'm having a hard time.

I made a mistake, people make mistakes. I am asking for a chance to prove to you, to earn your trust again. I know I messed up, I know it's huge. I'm sorry.

I just need some time to get through this. Can you give me that time?

I'll do whatever it takes to prove to you.


So, now, he needs time. Fine I'll do what I can, and suffer alone, and give him the time he needs. It will drive me insane, always wondering, never really knowing, but for now, time is all I have. At least right now, we're still together, but barely. It hasn't been called off just yet, but he needs time. Now, more than ever, I have to trust him. I have to prove to him that I can trust him and he can trust me. I have to give him the space he needs, and trust that there isn't someone else, that he's not running, he's just breathing, just thinking.

I pray he's remembering too. I pray that somewhere in all of this hurt and confusion and pain and anger, he can remember the love and the laughter and our hopes and dreams. I hope that in all of this, the greatest is love. Love right now, is what is keeping me from being kicked to the curb. And believe me, I'm teetering on the precipice about to fall into great abyss.

I know that if we don't make it through this, I will never love any one else again. Batman was it for me. He is my soulmate, he is the love of my life. Yes, I screwed it up. I learned my lesson, the hard way. I swear it will never happen again. I hold on desperately to the fact that he's trying really hard to not walk away, to work through this. That tells me there is love there, and it's not gone. Please, let love grow. Let the love come through, let the love win out. Let him know I'm sorry, and I swear it will never happen again. Let him find a way back to love, and find a way to give me a chance to prove to him.

I screwed up, will love be enough to find forgiveness?

I did something terribly stupid this weekend, and then I did something worse, compounding it. That made the situation a lot worse than it had to be. What I did doesn’t really matter, it’s between me and B. Suffice it to say our biggest issue (trust) has been violated to a degree (as if degrees really matter, violated is violated.) and it’s caused some serious doubts and damage to our relationship.

Last night, when it was all coming out, and I was making a bad situation worse, I was panicked. I was scared, terrified. I couldn’t bring myself to make it right or stop the damage. I let all my fears control me, and I didn’t think. There is no excuse for what I did, this weekend or last night. There really is no explanation either. I was caught red handed, he had the proof, all I had to do was say “Yes”, but all my heart could scream was “NO”.

Finally this morning, in a voice mail no less (yes, I’m a chicken shit, but at least I could get it all out w/o interruptions) I told him, “There’s no reason to deny it any more, it doesn’t matter. There is no excuse, and I can’t really begin to tell you why, because I don’t know why really.” There was more to it than that, but really, it doesn’t matter. I admitted my part, I admitted there was no excuse, and I have apologized as much as I can.

We have talked some this morning. I have agreed to give him space and time to think this through. In the course of talking this morning, I found out more of why he felt he needed some time alone this week too. Up until this morning I felt it was all me, but come to find out it was a lot more than just me. And now that I know what I know, it’s easier to let go and leave him be.

He is my home, he is my safe harbor, he is my rock. He grounds me, he calms me, he keeps me level headed. When I react from my gut, full of emotion, he is the logic and the calm. Unfortunately, this time, I reacted from my gut, I didn’t think, I panicked, and my rock, my calm, couldn’t calm me.

This morning, after getting to work, I had a conversation with my sister. She read this blog, and sent her support and opened the door to talk. And I gladly walked through. In the course of the conversation, I admitted a dark secret to her, that I had barely admitted to myself. My coping mechanisms are coming back, my ‘bad’ coping mechanisms. There is a new ‘best friend/worst enemy’ hanging around. And true to my sister, she offered an ear, she told me her thoughts, voiced her concerns, shared her stories, kept the lecture to a bare minimum and listened. I am not ready to give up the power and the comfort and the pleasure I get from the ‘friends’ even though my mind screams to walk away from them. Right now they offer things I can’t get elsewhere. Right now they bring strength, power and sweet release. Right now they offer answers to feelings I can’t cope with.

After all of this upheaval and drama of my own creating this morning, with B and with Sis, I have found a strange and eerie sense of calm and peace. Maybe it’s finally admitting the truth to B this morning, and finally admitting how terrified I am and all of my fears about us, about him, about my future, about our future. Maybe it’s finally putting a voice and naming my secret demon, and admitting it to my sister too, I have finally found a little bit of freedom. I find that I’m not scared or panicked about him leaving. I seem to have hope and believe (rightly or wrongly) that when he calms down, and gets past the mad, and thinks, his heart will kick in and love will be enough to at least grant me a second chance. I know this is a huge mistake, and it will take a long long time for him to get past it and trust and believe me again. I’m willing to wait and do whatever it takes, even if that means going away, walking away for a while. At this point, I’ve admitted it, I’ve tried to explain, and I’ve apologized. . I can hope and pray he listens to his heart, even though it’s hurt right now, there’s still love there. He didn’t storm off, he didn’t run, he didn’t tell me to F@#K off, he didn’t bail. He’s still around, he still calls, and we still talk. He just can’t tell me he loves me. I can understand that. It’s up to him now. All I can do is wait and see what he decides

Preparing

Even though he claims to still love me, and that nothing has changed, and that we haven’t broken up, and his feelings haven’t changed, I am bracing for just the opposite. I hope and pray we weather this, and things come out ok, and lord knows I’m willing to work towards that goal. I am just wrapping my head around being single again, just in case. It kills me to think this is how it’s going to end, and really, it may not end, but I have to be prepared nonetheless.

With or without him, I continue on with the plans I’ve started. It’s in the best interest of everyone (me and the kids) to get out of here, and find a place to start a life free from the drama and the trauma the dads insist on inflicting upon us. I whole heartedly believe that the only way I will be able to live my life without them both trying to control me via the kids, is to get the hell out of Dodge.

With or without him, I will still move closer to St. Louis, just because there are so many job opportunities there, and I am so familiar with the area, having lived there years ago. I have spent my life moving to new towns, new areas, meeting new people, making new friends, this won’t be any different.

Actually, starting over, completely over, doesn’t sound like a half bad idea, but that’s yet to be determined, exactly how completely it will be. Will it be a new home, a new town, a new job *and* a new man, or just the home/town/job?

I believe

That if you have the patience and play the game by the rules, you will win. Maybe not as swiftly as you would like it to happen, but it will happen.

Prayers, hopes, wishes do get answered. Not always with the answer we were hoping for but with the best answer possible.

Christina Aguilera’s Back to Basics CD is absolutely, without a doubt, worth every single penny of the $15 price tag. AWESOME!

There is someone out there who is my perfect partner, who loves me as much as I love him and is all that I deserve, everything I’ve ever dreamed of and more.

The St. Louis Cardinals did not deserve to be in the post season based on the way they played during the regular season. They have stepped up to the plate in post season play and they are playing World Series Champions ball now.

Captain Morgan sounds really wonderful right about now, but that will only make tonight worse and harder to get through.

There is no relief to a heart ache in the bottom of a bottle.

I will only be truly free to live my life free from interference from my ex husbands when I am allowed to move away from this god forsaken town.

C2 can be polite, charming and contrite but only for so long. Then his true colors start showing through and they are not pretty.

Some people have over inflated sense of selves and they are unbelievably arrogant and self-centered.

Karma will take care of everyone in time. Pay it forward every chance you get.

His home, his kids, his folks, his heart have all become mine too in 3 months and being away from them this weekend will be more difficult than I am willing to admit at this point.

There are three sides to every story, your side, my side and the truth.

Reality is not always the way we choose to perceive it.

If you want something, or don’t want something you should just speak up and say something. Don’t play wishy-washy games and leave other people guessing as to what it is.

B makes the absolute BEST margarittas I have ever had, anywhere, hands down.

The system worked for TD

Finally resolution. Probably not what I would have hoped for, but he didn’t get away with it, so that is something.

I know there are some of you who have been following this story from the beginning. Believe me; none of you have had a greater interest in it than I have. The final court date was October 20th. There he pled guilty to both charges, and has been sentenced.

Count 1, Sexual Misconduct, 1st degree. He pled guilty, and was sentenced to 1 year in jail, 2 years supervised probation. The sentence was suspended, with the exception of “Shock Incarceration” for a length of 30 days to begin immediately. 2 years supervised probation will follow that.
Count 2, Assault, 3rd degree. Again, another guilty plea, and was sentenced to 15 days in jail to be served concurrent with the previous sentence.

So, it looks like he’s in jail now for 30 days, till November 20th (give or take). After that he will be on supervised probation for 2 years. The 1 year jail sentence has been suspended, but can be invoked at any time if he is in court for any further charges. He did not skate on this.

No matter how much his family wants to believe they are above the law, this proves they are not. No matter how tightly the circled the wagons around him to protect him, and no matter how often or diligently they threw TD (teenage daughter) under the bus and blamed her, they could not make this go away. He is now serving time in jail. As much as I liked X at one point, I am thrilled beyond thrilled that he’s sitting in jail with the other scumbags.

I don’t have all the answers yet, and believe me, I will be asking my attorney about this, but I wonder if he now has to register as a sex offender. If that’s the case, that little fact can only help my case when I go to court for the modification of custody of the girls. That is yet to be determined.

Thank god, and who ever else was involved, this did not get swept under the rug. It did not go away. TD got some justice.

Edited to Add: Per our paralegal in the office, he will probably have to register as a sex offender now too. That can only help my case.

I don't know how

I have all of our yahoo conversations.  I have most of the text messages.  I still have the ‘Bat phone’.  I have his sweatshirt.  I have a pair of lounging pants.  I have pictures, tons of pictures, both on my computer and in my heart.  I have hope. And dreams, and wishes made on stars.  I have memories of what has been.  I have my Kasey Kahne hat, I have my Cardinal shirts.  I even have new hair that I love.  I have questions. I have doubts. I have suspicions.  I have fears. I have insecurities.   What I don’t have is answers.

We still talk. He tells me he still loves me. He says his feelings for me haven’t changed at all. He just needs a break from the drama.  He needs some down time.  He says he needs to ‘decompress’ and ‘get right’ with himself.  I don’t know what that means exactly, but for now it means I don’t get to see him, no matter how much I want to.  I know that means I have to let this go, and understand that I am not in control here.  I have to accept what he decides he needs.

I don’t know how to be here on the weekends. I don’t know how to wake up without a hot cup of fresh coffee in bed with my hot man. I don’t know how to spend a weekend at home, knowing he’s spending the weekend at his son’s last race of the season.  I don’t know how to be away from him, from his kids, from his family, his home, all of which have become mine too in the past 3 months. I don’t know how, but I do know, I will find the way.  

  

The rest of the story

As some of you know, I have made some life altering decisions in the past month, and set forth on a course of action that will lead to those changes, if all goes well. What I was unprepared for was some of the fall out that has come about.

I’m just going to lay it all out here, after this week; it will be common knowledge anyway. The papers will be drafted and filed and served requesting sole custody of the girls for me. For reasons that are too numerous to go into here, I feel this is in their best interest.

I was under the impression that Bo’s father and I could work something out in regards to Bo, even if that meant I left him here to live with his father. Apparently I was very wrong. I was served papers last night, where he is seeking sole custody of Bo and literally stripping me of every single right I have as Bo’s mother, save the right to pay child support. The demands listed in his complaint and filing are so utterly ridiculous and completely over the top I can’t even begin to comprehend them. They are just so unbelievable.

And as if that is not bad enough, B calls this morning, as he always does, and tells me ‘We need to talk’ and well, everyone knows that’s not good. He promised me before I even started this whole mess, that he would be there to support me, but apparently it’s just too much drama and stress for him. He needs space, he needs time to clear his head. Right now, he says just this week, he doesn’t want me to come see him Wednesday or this weekend. He tells me that he still loves me, that he’s not bailing, that he’s not leaving, he’s not breaking up with me. He assures me that his feelings haven’t changed, but he just needs some space and some breathing room.

I’m trying hard to understand, and I’m trying even harder to not jump to conclusions and not panic, but I am also building the walls around my heart, preparing for the heartache I am sure is coming in a week. It is what it is, nothing more, nothing less, and it’s out of my hands right now. I do know this, I will never love anyone else. If I can’t be with him, I won’t be with anyone else. If he walks away, then I am done too. I will never love again. I will resign myself to being single for the rest of my days.

So I am standing the precipice of the unknown and I feel like the sky is falling in around me, and the solid ground I stood on just a couple of days ago has started to crumble away from under me. Standing beside me, offering me promises of comfort and control is my best friend/worse enemy, anorexia. This time, I am reaching out and embracing her, knowing what that decision will do, but not really caring much. She promises control, and she promises me comfort that I know so well. There is strength in the willpower she demands of me, and this is the one area I can be strong beyond my wildest dreams.

Finally, a picture of the new 'do

Ok, I will admit it is a LONG way from a good picture of me, but it was quick and it was with the timer using a really cheap point and shoot camera. Hey, just because I have a couple of really *good* cameras doesn't mean every picture I take has to be great.

Anyway, disclaimer not withstanding, this is just a really quick shot to show off the new 'do. I am so LOVING it. Yes, it means a little longer in the bathroom in the morning, b/c it does need to be flat ironed every day, but I think it's so worth the time. I love it, love it, love it. It's straight, it's soft, it moves, you can run your fingers through it without getting hung up in snags and tangles. It is everything I've ever wanted my hair to be.

I still, tell B "Thank you" all the time. I love it. I am still blown away that he would do this for me, and yet, I'm so grateful and thankful and glad he did. No more tears and tantrums because I hate my hair. No more thoughts of shaving it off and starting over, no more wanting to pull my hair out of my head. I love it.

My first Brick wall, but I can climb over, with time

I ran into my first brickwall in my plan. Oh, it's not surmountable, and it's not impossible to get past, it's just bigger than I had hoped it would be. I knew when I put all of this in motion that it would not be easy, but it is necessary. I also know that for all the love and support I have behind me, there are also those close to me that will strongly disagree with what I am doing. They are entitled to their opinions, but until you've lived a year in the hell I've been in for 2 years, your opinion is not based on all the facts.

I know now that I have no promise that this will work out the way I hope and pray that it will. I know now that what I have embarked on is truly a leap of faith, stepping out on a cloud with nothing but hopes and prayers the truth to support me. I wonder sometimes if all of that is enough. I know that it has to be.

I was foolish to think that this would be an easy thing to accomplish, because really, when has anything been easy in the past? I am about to piss off the devil himself, my biggest nastiest most evil enemy. If I thought my life was hell before, I know that I was wrong. I know that I am standing at the gates of hell, and am about to step through those gates and go through something that will be worse than the 7 rings of Dante's Inferno. But I know that the only way to the end of this mess is through it.

My mother continues to tell me, remember in the dark what you've learned in the light. It is so easy to react from the gut when provoked, but reactions make a bad situation worse, and I never come out ahead. So, instead of reacting I have to remember to take the high road, don't react. It's hard to fight with someone who refuses to fight back, and taunting someone loses it's joy when the taunts don't effect them. That is my goal. With grace, and calm and dignity and poise take all the wind out of his sails, deflate and emasulate him. Stand and deflect all that he throws at me, until he litterally wears himself out and exhausts all he has, and then strike the single but fatal blow that it will take to defeat him. For this I need nerves of steel and patience of a saint. Neither of which I have, but I will learn to fake both.

Tid bits

Last Friday, Bo turned 13. I apologize for not blogging about his birthday. I promise there will be a complete post with pictures this weekend.

Wednesday Newt turned 7. Again, pictures will be posted this weekend.

Also, Bo's football team finally had a really good game. Ok, yes, they lost again (record 0-4 this year) but the score this time was 7-12. They played the silver team that beat them 32-13 their first time out. So this game, while not a win, was a HUGE improvement!

I have several people who have been asking to see pictures of the new look. I know, I'm awful about that, but I hope to have pictures of the new 'do posted here this weekend as well.

What keeps me going

LB sent me this card today, with a note attached, "To the lady who always knows what is best!!! You know that you can do or have anything you set your mind to! You are one of the strongest women that I know. Have a beautiful day!!! "

I can't tell you how much it means to me to know that I have the support of my family and my friends, and so far, everyone I've talked to regarding this decision along the way. It's going to be life changing, but I also believe it's going to be life saving. It's long over due.

Steps taken so far, easier than I thought

I have taken many, many steps towards the final goal, following the plan as I go. There have been a few surprise twists and turns along the way, but nothing that has been a roadblock, or even a stumbling block, just little bumps.

I have to admit that at the beginning, even with a clear cut destination and a plan to get there, I had my doubts. I worried it would never happen, or that it would take more than I had in me. But I am finding it hard to hold on to the doubts when every thing has fallen so perfectly into place, each step of the way. Of course, right now, what I am doing is minor, and small, but it is preparing the ground work and the foundation for the big major steps that are coming, some sooner than I had thought and planned for.

Much to my own delight, and true to his word, B has been there with me (via phone) for everything I've had to do and go through this week. Supporting me, offering advice, suggesting changes, courses of action, sharing his perspective, and loving me through it all. Just like I knew he would. I know that ultimately this dragon I will face, will have to be slain by my hands alone. But knowing I have the love and support of an incredible man, who is waiting for me at the end, to celebrate the victory, makes all the planning and preparations easy to endure.

I am sorry for the silence as of late. That is another issue altogether. I do not have internet at home for the time being (losing child support from The Slug, means entertainment gets cut before groceries and therefore, internet didn't get paid. Anyone willing to ante up $150 for 2 months? I'd be grateful! LOL) so I get here and post and email when I can. I, of course, have internet access every weekend at B's house, so if it can wait till the weekend, email me, if not, call.

Know that I am working hard towards a wonderful, important, life changing goal. And I will keep you posted as much as possible.

The Plan has been made

I will spare you all the boring details. They just reiterate the same point I've made time and time again here. And that is that C2 is a control freak, and an asshole. He just doesn't understand that the same divorce decree that granted him the freedom to live his life without interference from me, granted me the same freedom.

Needless to say, he has made my life hell, yet again. Yet again? It's closer to STILL. As my sister says, the universe needs to fall apart in order to come back together again, better than ever. My corner of the universe has fallen apart, fallen down around me. And it has forced me to admit that if I don't stand up, take control of my life yet again, and fight for my life, I won't have a life to fight for. If I don't claim my life again, I will lose it.

I know that another breakdown is inevitable unless I put a stop to him and get him out of my life. For the first time in 2 years, my best friend/worst enemy is coming back around. Anorexia is shadowing me, whispering sweet promises of control in my ear, and I'm listening, and I can feel the draw, the desire pulling me in. The sweet comfort of the familar, the ultimate control when nothing else seems to be controlable. I used to believe that I could never go back there, but I was wrong. Even though I know that to fall under her spell would disappoint many important people in my life, I am still drawn to her promises, seduced by the control she promises to give. It's very heady and seductive and hard to resist. And she is here because of him.

So, in the past 72 hours I have finally seen the truth, and that is, that he has not figured out how to let go. People tell me "He thinks he can still control you." The truth is, he thinks it because it's true. He set up the hoops he wanted me to jump through and then set the game in motion and got me to jump. He is a sick, twisted, puppet master and I am apparently his puppet. The problem with that is, he will control me to death. He's almost done it before, and he will not stop until he suceeds. Unless I can find a way to stop him.

So after much thought, much talking, much drama, and many many phone calls, a plan has been hatched and will now be put in motion. Out of fear of someone finding this by accident and reporting back to him, I will not go into details about what is coming down the line. I can say that it will be ugly, it will be difficult, and in the end it will be worth it all. I am litterally taking a walk of faith, stepping out into the unknown, throwing all caution to the wind, letting go of everything, in order to gain so much more. Starting with my life, and my happiness.

The journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step, and all I can do is take a single step, followed by another, and another, until I get my life and my happiness back. If I don't I won't have a life left to live. Much to my surprise and delight, I have the support of my mother, Batman, and my friends. I know that I will have MANY difficult decisions ahead of me, I will have to give up a LOT, but I know in the end I will gain so much more.

Wish me luck.

Progress

I have shored up a portion of the delapitated corner of the universe I occupy. I have prevented a catastrophe, even though there will be some fall-out in the days to come from the decision I have made, I won't have to contend with it much.

As I have mentioned in previous posts, my job here at the Accounting firm has become impossible to tolerate. For several reasons. It started with the ex MIL with an axe to grind, who just isn't happy until she's made everyone else in the world miserable. Her life is only truly complete when she can successfully stir the pot and anger half a dozen or so people. Anyway, she zero'd in on me, and decided that having 1 unemployed parent wasn't good enough for my girls, they should have a matched set, and she set out to get me fired from this job. All because I came to my senses and divorced her son.

Anyway. I digress. There have been other incidents in the past week, that have left me utterly stunned and speachless to say the least. I believe there is crossing the line of appropriateness and then there is driving the mack truck clear over the line without a second thought. And welcome to my world.

The following conversation took place Tuesday morning, here at work, between Big Boss and myself.

Ok, this morning he was telling me about docking the boat, and how he let his son dock it this weekend. Now, it's a big ass boat, and there is only 4" clearance on either side of it in the slip. He said 'I should teach you to dock it sometime."

Me: I don't need to know how to dock it. I'd tear it all up.

Big Boss: You just need to strangle it. (What that has to do with anything I don't know) You know, some girls like that. A guy's hands around their throat.

Me: Oh, hell no.

Big Boss: You don't like that? I thought you'd like that.

Me: Ok, well, you need to get to Meyer Electric. Will you have email access there?

Big Boss: Yes, I will.

Me: Fine, then if you need anything from the office, you can get a hold of me that way.

Big Boss: I'd sure like to get a hold of you.

There were other conversations, the day prior to this, that are even more outrageous and unappropriate. I won't even go there.

So, I contacted the temp agency, who placed me here and told them "I won't work with this. Get me out of here." And true to their word, they got me a job interview today. I totally aced it, and walked out of there with a new job offer, that will become permanent in 30 days. In a primarily female work environment. So, while sexual harassment is not impossible in that environment, the odds of it occurring decress significantly.

I am away from the prying, spying, controling ex MIL from hell. I am away from the 60 year old perverted dirty old man here, and I have found a job that offers benefits and potential for growth and advancement.

So, there is one problem solved. On to the next one. Anyone know where I can get my hands on about $800?

My Little Corner of the Universe

I know that life has ups and downs, ebbs and flows, good with bad. I know that it all has to fall apart so that it can come back together again, better than ever. Knowing all of that does not make it any easier or better to deal with when it all falls apart.

My dishwasher has stopped working. Don’t ask, I don’t know, I’m not an electrician. I’ve been in this apartment less than a year, and the dishwasher has died. When you turn it on it just clicks and whines a bit, and you can hear the electrical stuff inside try and do something, it just never manages to get it altogether and actually run.

My kitchen is now being invaded and infested with bugs. Every morning, I turn on the light and there is a mad scurry of bugs all over my counter. I clean up all the food, I do all the dishes every night, by hand, before I go to bed. There is nothing for them to get, and yet, there are bugs. In fact, just last night, I stepped around my table to find a HUGE ugly ass spider on my floor apparently in the middle of giving birth to a new army of these nasty things. When I went to kill her, she virtually *exploded* and I had hundreds of babies all over the place. I literally had to mop my kitchen floor with RAID last night to get rid of all of them. I think it has a lot to do with the nasty bales of hay that have been outside my apartment against the building now for over a year. The stupid ass landlord claims they are mine, but they’re his.

I have mice in the apartment now too. I’m not allowed to have pets without paying a pet deposit. I’m not paying a deposit for these little guys, because these are not here by my invitation. Mice are not something new. I had to deal with them in the last apartment I lived in (yes, the one with the rainforest in the bathroom). So, a couple of traps, some peanut butter, and we’re good.

Things are not going well at my job either. Yes, it’s a temp-to-hire situation and my 90 days is almost up. That means I will then become a permanent full time employee here at the accounting firm. Along with becoming a permanent full time employee comes a really nice pay raise and benefits, both of which I could really use. The problem is, there are some things that have happened here that makes my staying here really uncomfortable, almost impossible. I know I’m on a short time frame, and I know that doing what is right means walking away from really good money and benefits, but I also know that staying can not be good for me, and things can not be allowed to continue they way they have been. And for those of you who read this blog on a regular basis, this situation is independent and completely different from the one created by my ex mother-in-law.

The Slug (C2) still is gainfully unemployed, and therefore the child support payments from him have completely dried up and ceased to exist. It’s funny, his daughters still have a need for food, shelter, clothing, and other essentials. He just doesn’t have a need to help provide those things for them. Unfortunately for me, the system seems to work in his favor this way, and we really can’t do a damn thing to him until he’s an ungodly $5000 behind! WTF.

Tate brought home progress reports last night. Not looking as promising as I had hoped. Part of the deal with her joining the choir was she had to keep her grades up and had to turn in all of her work, on time. She’s got a couple of D’s going on, because there was an assignment in each subject not turned in and that hurt her. And she’s not getting all of her AR points that she needs to get. So, we had a discussion last night that if she can’t hold up her end of the deal, she will be pulled from choir. I wanted to remind her that her father is looking for any possible excuse to pull her out anyway, and I’ve fought against him to get her into this choir. But I didn’t need to drag her into our issues. It’s her job to just be a kid, do her homework and sing. The rest is up to me.

Then, after the progress report I was handed, she comes out and apologizes as she hands me a note from the library because she’s lost a library book, and now I have to pay $20 to replace it. OK. Library books go in a specific place in our house, school library books or public library books, doesn’t matter. This one, somehow ran away from it’s home and found it’s way somewhere else. I knew it had to be in the house, so I made her look for it. 45 minutes later, she found it, buried in her room (that’s a mess again) and saved me $20.

So, over all, there isn’t one thing that is falling apart in my life, but when combined with all the things that are falling apart in my life, the get pretty damn overwhelming.

On a good note? B just called, my appointment is set for 11:00 AM tomorrow morning. I get to go be pampered and spoiled and made beautiful! I can hardly wait!!!!!!