Just passing along

At the risk of my sister claiming I'm copying this from her (I'm not) I am posting this link here. I am putting this here, to just pass along the word of a cool website she introduced on her blog today.

I am a HUGE fan of Postsecret. I own the first book, was disappointed in the second, but I know that every one has a secret (or 2 or 10) and that somewhere in the world, some one shares your secret.

Group hug is along the same lines, although the secrets are not put on postcards and mailed to Frank, these secrets are posted on line, and everyone who finds this site can read them. I'm sure there are secrets there that I very well could have posted but didn't. Much like PostSecret.

Secrets seem to be all the rage nowadays. Even Cosmopolitan this month has a page dedicated to secrets, but they reference PostSecret as their inspiration and source. There is also Oceangram which is the internet's answer to a message in a bottle. You can 'write' your secret on a piece of paper, put it in a bottle and send it out in the ocean. Some one some where, when visiting this website, could very well catch your bottle and read your secret.

So, as Lil Sis says, if you've got something to get off your chest, you've got plenty of options to chose from where and how to do that. Go read other people's confessions, secrets, hopes, dreams, whatever. Get a group hug, and realize even if you don't know them, there is someone out there going through exactly what you are going through right now. And there is someone out there who has survived it....you can too.

Christmas Present

See that jacket right there? Yeah, that one to the left there. The Triple-A jacket? Uh huh, yeah. That is a twill racing jacket from the Mark Martin racing team. Mark Martin, who is going into semi-retirement next year (yeah, he's only gonna race 178 races next year? That sounds like retirement to me..uh, no.) Anyway, Mark Martin is not only my mother's favorite driver, he happens to be Batman's favorite driver.

We spent many an hour on the internet this summer looking for this jacket, and we stopped at plenty of malls this summer, hoping to find this jacket at some sports store, or a NASCAR store. Oh, they had them, as long as you are a LG or an XLG. Batman....isn't.

Even with things they way they are between us now, I know that this Christmas present is going to rock his world. Yeah, it's not nearly as impressive as the 32" flat screen his parents are buying for him, but he already had that picked out and was going to buy it himself. They just stepped up and paid for it. He knows nothing about this coming from me. (Am I worried about him seeing this posted here? Nope. I created a blog just for him, well, for us, actually, and he never goes there either. Blogs just aren't his thing. He never stops by here. Statcounter.com comfirms that for me. Thanks Guys!)

I owe a huge THANK YOU to my brother for finding this and sending me the link. I know there are going to be those of you out there that think this is crazy for me to get Batman a Christmas present, when I'm sure I probably won't be getting one from him. I've had this thing ordered and delivered for so long, even before things fell apart for us. No matter what's going on right now with us, or what goes on in the future, I still want him to have this jacket. I think he's gonna love it. I hope so.

He still haunts me....

I have managed to occupy my mind for the most part today. The tears, while still there (will they always be there? Will there ever come a day, I don’t cry? Sometimes I pray yes, others I pray no) have been few. The ache left by him that echoes with his silence is always present.

I made my bed today, (yes, I know, it doesn’t sound so remarkable, but when you consider it rarely gets made, it is remarkable) and I noticed that even still, I only sleep on half the bed. Batman only spent 3 nights here, in the 3 months we were together; he only slept here 3 nights. I spent more nights with him, (than I spent here actually) and yet, I still sleep on my side of the bed, leaving his side untouched. Do I hope he will someday come back and occupy that space that has been reserved for him? Or is it that I just can’t bring myself to reach over there, and feel his absence and be reminded yet again, that he no longer sleeps beside me?

A part of me wants to pack all of the reminders of him, away, and pretend that he doesn’t exist any more. The problem with that is that even though he would be out of sight, he would not be out of mind, or out of my heart or my soul.

The thing with Batman was that we were so alike. My passion was his passion, his was mine. We loved the same things; we shared the same opinion on so many things. He taught me so much about things I didn’t know, but that he loved and enjoyed. I did the same for him. We lived for Sunday’s when we could watch NASCAR in bed together; we watched The Cardinal’s play every night they were televised. We cheered for the same football teams. He taught me to like tennis and golf. He made watching them fun and entertaining. We would discuss cars, both muscle cars, and luxury cars. We discussed music, and our varied tastes in favorites. We shared a long list of people we believed were musical geniuses. We could argue our different points of view without hurting or disrespecting the other. We could talk about everything, anything, for hours at a time, and yet, we could also be together and not say a word and never feel the need to fill the silence with small idle chit chat.

Where I was emotional and quick to react to situations, he is calm and logical. Where I feel things with great intensity, he is laid back, and takes things in stride. He feels deeply the need to take care of those he cares about, doing everything in his power to help them when they need it. He encouraged me to take a stand, and change my future, make a better life for me and my children. He loved my kids almost as if they were his own. He stepped up and became a better father figure in their life than any they had had before. He loved deeply and completely. We both did. The difference is I still do. For a short time, I no longer had 3 kids, I had 5, and I took his kids into my heart as if they were my own. I love them still. I miss them terribly, and it breaks my heart to think I don’t know when I’ll ever see them again.

He told me one day, while he lay on the bed, watching me dress for the day, “I could never get tired of looking at your beautiful body. It’s amazing.” I truly felt beautiful that day, and for the first time in my entire life, was comfortable in my own skin. I remember the night he made love to me, and I saw in his eyes, exactly how he saw me, and I felt truly loved and truly beautiful and treasured. I finally was as beautiful as he had always told me I was.

My heart and soul belong to him, and they have since the day I laid eyes on him, and probably long before that day. They are no longer mine to give to anyone else. The truth of the matter is this, I no longer want anyone else. I will be with him, or I will be alone (and please god, let me end up with him, b/c if I end up alone, I know I will drive my family insane).

They say that when you meet the The One, you know, you just know. Faith Hill sings a song “You Belong” in which she sings... “There’s a voice inside… and I heard it promise me… when you came along, I’d know you by heart. Like a familiar song, every word is telling me that the time has finally come, and here you are…and I know for sure…Baby you belong. Baby you belong, nothing’s ever been so meant to be, never felt so right to me, every single part of me believes Baby you belong, baby you belong, there really is no mystery, I think every one can see that baby you belong with me.” I knew from the beginning. What hurts more, is that he knew too. He knew it, at the beginning, he felt it, he believed it, he told me, and he knew. I don’t know why he’s ignoring it now. But I know that at one time he felt exactly as much, as deep, and as truly as I do.

Blind faith? Maybe. My heart hasn’t let go, my soul refuses to admit defeat. He’s still connected to me in some way, I can’t explain it, except that I know when he wakes every morning, I know when he goes to sleep at night. I know when he is stressed about something, I know when he’s relaxed. My days are sprinkled with thoughts of him, I see him in front of me, and I know what he’s doing. I know when he feeds the horses, I know when he’s on the road to work. I know when he gets to work, I know when he gets home. I instinctively know every thing about his day.

My sister tells me I should move on, I should stop focusing so much time and energy and thoughts on him. I should do something nice for myself, take care of me. The problem with that is, that no matter what it is I would do for me, it would be something Batman and I would have done together. I should focus on something I like, but my passions were his. Every thing I like to do, well, we liked to do together. My photography became a part of our relationship. He learned to see life in Frames like I do. He saw beauty in everything, and now, when I look through my camera, I see life, not just with my eyes, my heart and my soul, I see with his as well. I taught him all I know about photography, and taught him to see life as I see it. I could take a country dirt road and see a picture. “Look, right there….” And he would see what I saw, the kids, walking down the road, side by side, walking away from the camera, all in black and white. I could see something, start to describe what I saw, and he would finish it for me, and would see with his heart and with his mind’s eye, exactly what my heart and mind’s eye saw.

My photography, my pictures of him, of his children, of our time together, they touch him, like they do me. The slideshow I made of Princess, it moved him to tears, like it did me. They were taken not just with my talent, but with my heart. They are not just pictures of his children, they are pictures of my love for his family. The love I felt, he feels when he sees them.

How can we be this connected, this meant to be, and still be this far apart? How can he totally get me, completely understand me, and yet, not hear my heart crying out for his? How can he shut every thing off and not ache and not hurt and not cry? How can he ignore his heart and his soul? How can I? The simple truth is, I can’t.

Weekend thoughts

Can I just say that men can sometimes be as stubborn and bullheaded as jackasses? I mean, really, how long does he think he can continue to ignore me, and the truth? When faced with the truth, and a confession, it still hasn't changed his mind. I know that there are those of you out there who will tell me "Honey, at this point, he's not worth it. He's shown his true colors, and you're just wasting your time, beating your head against a brick wall. Give up, let go, and move on." I can't, not yet. I still believe what I believe. I still know in my heart and soul, what I've known all along. I still can not imagine, nor do I want to, someone else. No matter how long this 'spat' lasts, I still know that he's meant for me. I still believe, know it to my core, that there will be no one else but him in my life, for the rest of my life. If not him, then there will be no one. I wonder if he knows that as well, and is trusting on that fact, and therefore is not overly concerned with shutting me out for a while, because he knows I'll always be there? Something to think about....... I still love him, always will. Period.

Up until 2 hours ago, christmas for my children was completely and totally up in the air. I have exactly 1 month from today to get all my shopping done, which isn't a problem. I usually do ALL my christmas shopping, for everyone, in one day. I take the day and buy for everyone. That means, I make my decisions, and never second guess my choices. I don't spend a month shopping, so I don't spend more than I can afford. And in one day, everyone is finished. The problem this year, was, who was going to finance my christmas shopping this year? With The Slug just now going back to work, and STILL not paying child support, I'm doing well to make ends meet, pay the bills, and feed the kids. Thanks to some help from my friends, I now no longer have to worry about where Christmas is coming from this year. Looks like I'm going to be getting my usual refund this year, and they have a wonderful program that allowed me to get an advance against that refund, right in time for the holidays. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

Last night, I got a phone call from my Twin across the country. She has the sweetest most southern accent I have ever heard, and our conversation was sprinkled with understanding, support, concern, and laughter. It was the perfect ending to a very hard week, and gave me just the boost I needed to wake up this morning with a fresh outlook, and face this weekend. It was exactly what I needed, and I can not say thank you enough for it.

The holidays, especially this time of year, are hard for me. It was 3 years ago that I finally had reached the point I couldn't stand any more. I stood on the scale and it said 98 pounds. My friends, I am 5' 7", and 98 lbs looks positively skeletal on that frame. It was then that I realized I would starve myself to death, if I continued to stay in my marriage. So, I started making plans to leave. It was right around Thanksgiving. We didn't actually say "Divorce" to each other until right before Christmas, and it was shortly after New Years that he threw me out of the house in a fit of anger, and I took him at his word, and never went back. So, 3 years ago, my holidays were hellish at best. The following year, well, it was our first year 'apart' and found it easy to do the holidays together 'for the sake of the kids.' Except he managed to ruin them that year as well, either by allowing his girlfriend to participate (through phone calls and text messages) or by being so damn drunk that we ended up taking him to the hospital.

Last year was the first year I had decent holidays. I actually enjoyed Christmas last year. I was standing on my own. The kids had a good Christmas, the family still managed to coordinate schedules so that we could all be together. This year, I would just as soon skip Christmas altogether. Having Christmas without Batman, Scooter, and Princess this year, is just way more than I think I can stand. We had such plans for the holidays, and well, now, they have been thrown by the wayside, cancelled.

I wonder if he misses me, and I wonder if he hurts as much as I do. Does he face the holidays with memories of the things we planned, or does he just go on about his life, and not think of me at all? I don't want him to hurt, but yeah, in a way, I do. At least then I can comfort myself into believing he cared, and mattered, and maybe he does still care, a little, and maybe I do still matter. A little.

I survived, I knew I would

I got through yesterday, with only a few rough patches. I ended up having Bo with me most of the day, so I wasn't completely alone. We managed to avoid all reminders that it was Thanksgiving altogether.

Things have become a bit more strained between Batman and me this week. Uh, not going to get into details or the reason why, but it made yesterday a bit harder. I called hoping to just get his voice mail, but he answered and I wished him a Happy Thanksgiving. (Yes, Tennessee Becky, I know, you suggested I not call him, but wait for him to call me.....but it was Thanksgiving, I had to call.) It was enough to talk to him for a couple of minutes.

Had a rough 30 seconds when I made frozen pizza for Bo and I for lunch. I'm thinking to myself, "It's Thanksgiving, and here we are eating frozen pizza." but then I just changed that thought to, "Hell, it's a day off, let's have some pizza!" and all was good in the world again.

My father called from Ohio. Never once wished me a Happy Thanksgiving. Just wanted to call and start getting a handle on the Christmas schedule for my kids, so they could coordinate their travel plans and be sure to have time to see everyone while they are here in town. Of course, he asked about my day, and why I was home, alone (save Bo) and not with Batman and his family like we had planned. (Thanks Dad, let's drag me through that wringer today, and make me remember that once again I am alone at the holidays, and well, all the plans Batman and I had made for the holidays are now forgotten. Ok, maybe not forgotten, but they have all been cancelled.) And that DID start the waterworks.

I also got a phone call from my brother, which was good for some laughs and smiles, and totally made me feel so much better about things. When I explained what has been going on this week, my brother, in true brother fashion, made the comment, "I can't believe he's doing this to you. He better hope I never see him again." Thanks Bud, I love you too.

So, Bo has been dropped off with his father and they are headed to PawPaw's house for the weekend. I am childless and free to do as I please this weekend. I have actually toyed with the thought of putting up the tree, but I think I want the kids home to do that. (Not that they will help put it up or decorate it, or clean up the mess it creates...it's just nicer with kids. I think.) I am going to get some books at the library. I stocked up on coffee, on hot chocolate, new candles, and I'm going to clean the place, read a lot, and try to keep my mind from wandering to LeMay Ferry Road or Hwy B, and to the Bat-house. Even though that's exactly where my heart is.

Making New Friends

Can I just say that sometimes when you reach out to people, you sometimes find they will reach back to you? And that my friends, is a great feeling.

I've said it before, and I'll say it again, my life has been void of girlfriends. I don't have many close friends at all. Everything in my life (save my family) is always temporary. (Ah, maybe I am the one with the problem with committment....something to ponder) My jobs, my friends, my boyfriends (lovers? Ack, what word to use? BF sounds so Jr High, and Lover sounds, well, kind of ridiculous, at least when it pertains to me. Anyway) just about everything.

So, lately, I have found myself at a temp gig that requires little to no real work effort from me at all. I answer the phones all day, and open the mail when it arrives. That's about it. That leaves me with a LOT of free time on my hands. (free time, that, I might mention, I am getting paid for. I don't bitch.) To occupy my mind, and entertain myself, I spend a lot of time surfing the web. Not the whole web, but Blogs specifically. And in my cruising around Blogland Central, I have come across some really cool cats and have marked their little corners of the universe on my map. I got back and visit often.

These people are talented (whether they know it, or admit it or not) and they always touch me with a laugh my ass off funny story, or with something truly profound and meaningful. They tell stories that I just GET, and some times their point of view or opinions are so completely different from mine, it's nice to get a different perspective on things.

I made a decision this past week, that while I'm stopping by these little haunts on a daily basis, I might should want to leave a little note, to tell them, HI! Just wanted to introduce myself. I love what you've done with the place, and really enjoy your little corner of the universe. Come by and visit me, if you ever get the chance (or your bored, or you want to feel better about your life....ya know).

I have been pleasantly surprised that when I leave a little note, for the most part, most of them respond in kind. Sending me an email in return, thanking me for my visit, and then coming by to check out my place. (Oh, that reminds me, I better straighten the place up, especially if I'm going to be having more and more company. Oh, and better stock up on coffee, soda, and Margaritta mix. Chips and salsa would be good too....)

So, as I find new places I like to visit, and after asking permission, of course, I add their Blog address to my list on the side of my blog, and I am finding that my circle of 'friends' is expanding. They put a link to my blog on theirs, so their friends stop by, and well, if they would be so kind as to leave me nice little note, I would return the favor and visit them, and of course, add their link to my blog too.

I am loving this. I am spreading my wings, and meeting new people, and thanks to the internet, they don't have to live right next door. I am making new friends, my email in box is never empty (and NO, it's not full of spam...sheesh) and every day is like Christmas, "Who's going to stop by today and leave me a nice little Hey! in my in-box?"

So, WELCOME all my new friends, and friends of my new friends. Grab a drink of your choice, a snack, and pull up a chair, get comfortable and lets visit for a while. It's really nice to meet you.

What a day....

I know it’s the day before Thanksgiving, so people are busy, either at work, tying up loose ends for the long weekend, or already at home, preparing the feast for tomorrow. That leaves me, bored and alone at work. No one is sending emails, chatting, blogging, it’s dead. It’s a catch up day here at the office, but since this is still just a temp gig for me, there’s nothing for me to do other than open mail (done) and answer the phone should it ever ring.

I brought a book to work to read, and it’s a good book, but you know, it just doesn’t have the personal interaction email and yahoo IM have. Oh, I know, it’s not anyone’s job out there in cyber space (does anyone use that term any more?) to entertain me. I’m just trying to avoid the holiday hum drums that come from knowing tomorrow everyone has plans with family and loved ones, and well, my family is busy, and my loved one is, well, you know, he’s…well, whatever.

Boring, slow work days make for long work days. Having no one to chat with, nothing to do makes it even longer…

Hope everyone is having a better day, more exciting day today than I am (and who wouldn’t be?) and hope everyone has a Happy Turkey Day tomorrow.

A Little Bit of Good News

I got a little sign of hope today....

Bo's Dad contacted me today around noon, and via emails, we chatted about what to do with Bo. I have agreed that after this weekend, starting Monday, he will go live with his father for a 30 day trial period. We have hammered out holidays that will work for us, but we are going to try this.

He also has made an appointment with a couselor tomorrow for Bo to start therapy. So that is another good sign.

I'm not sure where things stand on the motion to modify, but I think we can work this out without lawyers and courts, b/c at this point, I think the drama and trauma and stress of that would be just too much for Bo to deal with.....

26 questions

I stole this from Celebrate Woo-hoo just for something to do that was not drama related...

Explain what ended your last relationship. I was stupid, did something I shouldn’t have done. We both had too much going on in our lives and couldn’t get past all of the drama….

When was the last time you shaved? This morning.

What were you doing this morning at 8 a.m.? Getting ready for work…

Are you any good at math? Yup, love it.

Your prom night, what do you remember about it? How much I loved my dress; that I was supposed to have a really incredible date, but he couldn’t get off work that night to go.

Do you have any famous ancestors? Rumor has it if you go far enough back, you can trace us to William Penn… but who knows

Have you had to take a loan out for school? Well, we said it was for school, but really it was for spending money while I was in school

Last thing received in the mail? OH well, there was B’s combination Birthday/Christmas present that is still going to rock his entire world

How many different beverages have you had today? a single cup of coffee… nothing else.

Do you ever leave messages on people's answering machines? If it’s important that they call me back, then yeah, I give them a heads up as to why I’m calling.

Who did you lose your CONCERT virginity to? Uh, I’m thinking Mr. Mister….The Bangles opened for them… I think….

Do you draw your name in the sand when you go to the beach? Are you kidding? I used to cry when the animals would leave footprints in the snow. Would I really purposefully mess up perfect sand just to write my name?

What's the most painful dental procedure you've ever had? I had all 4 wisdom teeth pulled at one time. It didn’t hurt during the actual proceedure, but damn when the drugs wore off….

What is out your back door? a couple of rotting bales of hay, and a parking lot

Any plans for Friday night? It’s the day after Thanksgiving. My special plans have all been cancelled for a while…

Do you like what the ocean does to your hair? uh, No. Sand, salt, dirt? No thank you.

Have you ever received one of those big tins of 3 different popcorns? Reveived them? Hell, baby, I buy them. The kids love them and we eat all the carmel and most of the cheese popcorn.

Have you ever been to a planetarium? Uh, I think there’s one in St. Louis, I think I’ve been there… I’ve slept since then so I can’t be sure.

Do you re-use towels after you shower? Sometimes, but the kids don’t, b/c their towels always end up on the floor and I find them 2 days later…yuck

Some things you are excited about? Right now, not much.

What is your favorite flavor of Jell-O? Strawberry banana

Describe your keychain. car key, apartment key, mom’s house key, Las Vegas keyring from Boo, Blockbuster Rewards card, Ken Schrader key ring. I’m sure I have a key to the old farmhouse I lived in with The Slug, but it doesn’t work, he changed the locks

Where do you keep your change? Front pocket of my purse, until I get home, then I dump it in a Oxi-Clean container, it’s my Ireland fund.

When was the last time you spoke in front of a large group of people? College?

What kind of winter coat do you own? I have 2 leather coats, and a black/pink coat that my mother bought for me for christmas one year. She bought one for me, one for her, and one for my sister. I think mom still has hers, I still wear mine. Don’t know about Sis.

What was the weather like on your graduation day? Sun was shinning, and it was hot….

Do you sleep with the door to your room open or closed? Open, Newt still likes for me to be able to hear her all night, even though she sleeps in her own room.

Pick up the sword, yet again

I don’t know where to begin, other than to say, I just don’t think I have it in me to fight any more, and yet, I know the repercussions are worse if I don’t fight. So, even though I’m exhausted and battle weary, and emotionally drained, and pushed to my outer limits, I will once again, pick up the sword, and face the dragons that continue to come at me. I will slay them one by one, until they all lay dead at my feet. Then, and only then, can I lay down my sword and myself beside it, and rest.

The details of last night are completely unimportant, in the grand scheme of things. Bo did something, completely unprovoked, to his sister. And it opened my eyes to just how hurt my son is. He’s angry, he’s hurt, he’s depressed, and while I can not lay the blame for that on his father, and The Slug, I refuse to shoulder the responsibility for it alone.

I don’t know what makes me sadder. The fact that my son is desperately crying out for help, and I know he needs it, and believe me I am all about getting him all the help he needs. Or the fact that last night, when I needed help and support, I got none.

I called my mother and told her what was going on. She is somewhere in Egypt, floating down a long winding river, because she totally blew the whole thing off. She’s so far in denial about how serious this is, I was just flabbergasted. She has always been the one harping to me about how angry and hurt Bo is, and now that I realize it, and could have used some help, support and understanding last night; she poo-poo’d the whole situation away as if it was just Ian being overly dramatic.

So, I called his father, hoping we could finally come together for the good and help for our son. Wrong again. I am trying to find a way to do what is best for our son. Setting aside all of my issues with his father, and doing what’s best for Bo. He refuses to discuss it. This motion to modify isn’t about what’s best for Bo at all; it’s just his way of punishing me for falling in love with Batman. Even now, when Batman is out of the picture, he still feels the need to punish me, in every conceivable way. He won’t set aside any of this and discuss what we need to be doing for our son.

I believe it would do Bo some good to live with his father for a while, even if we only do a 30 day trial run. He’s 13, he’s going through a lot at that age, and being around girls all the time is not helpful. He needs a man. Never mind that I had one in our life, and things were wonderful. Batman was great with Bo, made him feel good about himself. Talked to him about everything, was a great friend, and a great role model. Never mind that the drama caused by Bo’s father was part (not all, but a part) of the reason Batman needed to take some time and space, and has effectively chased the best male role model Bo’s had in his life, completely out of his life. And my best role model, I mean the best ‘pseudo step father’ Bo has had. Yes, Bo has a great Uncle, actually 2 terrific Uncles, but they are not there day to day, not like Batman was.

My son needs help. He’s crying out for help. He’s hurt, he’s angry, he’s defeated, he’s almost destroyed. I don’t know how he got here, but I see that he is. I can’t fix this alone, I can’t protect him. But I can try to get him help. The problem is, I will have to fight with is dad to do that. I can not do it alone, and his dad refuses to work with me to do what’s best for our child.

And so, even though I am battle weary, and tired, I again, pick up my sword and fight the injustice of my life, for the good of my children. Someday I hope to have the life we all deserve. The happiness I hope we can achieve. The happiness I know we all deserve.

My "Date"

I had my ‘date’ last night with Batman. I swear I must be channeling Ms. Cleo or something, because I STILL always know what he’s thinking and feeling, before he tells me.

I woke up yesterday with this feeling of finality about us. It somehow felt that last night was The End of the Line for us. Like it would be our last time together. Don’t ask me why I felt that way, I just did. So, I spent the better part of the day praying he would call and cancel our plans, and the other part of the day dreading he would do exactly that.

Why would I want him to cancel our plans? For the crazy reason, that if he did, then I could hold on to One More Day a little while longer. I would keep the Batphone, my stuff would stay there, and we would still have One More Day, for as long as I could put off seeing him, one last time. (yes, I know, crazy, pathetic, silly, immature, but real. Deal. My life, not yours).

I got there last night (he didn’t cancel after all) and we talked, and he told me, honestly, that he had spent the day toying with the idea of canceling tonight. It had been on his mind all day, but in the end he decided he really wanted to see me, so he didn’t.

There was a sense of finality about last night. He asked me, “So what can I do for you tonight to make it memorable?” (Not what I wanted to hear, but he gets an A for the effort). We talked, a lot. I told him, Look, I don’t want this to be Goodbye, I don’t want this to be final. I will continue to be your friend. I love you.
I know you do.

I told him that I had expected him to cancel all day yesterday. That’s when he told me he had toyed with the idea all day. Once again, my instincts had been dead on with him. So, B, when are you going to realize we’re meant to be, that we’re so connected I know what you’re feeling before you do, even without talking to you?

How can I be so right about everything else when it comes to B, and not be right about us being meant to be? I don’t think I can. I think we’re still meant to be, it’s just not our time yet. He promised me last night would not be the end. He promised me I would be back, I would come home yet again. He promised last night was not the last time I would see him. This morning when he kissed me goodbye, he told me again, You can come back. This isn’t the end.

I’m holding him to that.

Tonight I go to him....

He comes to me every morning, always the same time. The time I know his alarm is going off at his house and his day is beginning too.

He comes to me every morning. Some days, I wake to sweet, happy memories of the love we shared, and the laughter. And for just a moment, I can dream, wish, pretend that things are as they were. That he's still here, he still loves me, and we're ok. But then I open my eyes to find, I'm in my room, in my bed, alone. He's not beside me. He's gone. But the warm feelings remain from the memories.

He comes to me every morning. Some days, I wake to the harsh reality that is my life without him. Some days there are no sweet memories, no time to wish, or pretend. Some days the pain and the emptiness and the sadness are brutal in their assault on my heart.

Tonight, I go to him. Eyes wide open. A part of me is very very afraid that this will be the last time I see him. Tonight, we finally unravel the last few threads that kept us somehow connected. Tonight, the Batphone goes back to him, and all off my stuff comes home with me. There will be nothing there that is mine, except for my heart. There will be nothing here that is his, except for me.

A part of me really hopes and prays that he calls and cancells tonight. Not because I don't want to see him, but because if I don't go to him tonight, then I can hold on to his things just a little while longer. I will still have one more day to look forward to.

I took all the pictures I took this summer and made him slide shows. One of his son, one of his daughter, and one for us. It was healing for me in a way, to take my art and use it. The pictures were taken with love, the slideshows were made with love too. He will always have that gift, the gift of beautiful images of children. It was my last gift to him, and to them.

I want to ask him tonight, when I see him, "Please tell me this changes absolutely nothing." I want to know that even after today, we can still talk, we can still laugh and on occassion we can still get together and be friends. I don't want to lose all of him, I've already lost the most important part of him. I tell myself I can accept nothing more, but will not settle for anything less. I can accept that I can have nothing more than his friendship right now. I will not settle for anything less, I will not settle for the occassional friend.

I don't know what's in store for us. Only time will tell. He comes to me in my dreams, he comes to me every morning. Tonight, I go to him. Will he send me away for ever?

Funny how life works

About a month ago was Boo's birthday. I called him to wish him a Happy Birthday. Hey, we're still friends. He has known about Batman from the very beginning, so there was nothing off kilter about me calling to wish him a Happy Birthday.

At the time he told me he was leaving in a few short days to go home. And by home he meant, home to Jordan. I was/am excited for him, he needed to go. He hadn't been home in over 10 years. I was thrilled he had actually found the time and the $$ to go.

I found out today, through the internet grapevine (email) that he should be returning to the States and back to work next week. The rumor running rampant around my former place of employment is that Boo went home to find himself a wife, and had been sucessful. Only Hondo would think you could go home for a few weeks and find a wife. A wife? Find a woman, and wine/dine her and convince her to marry him, AND move half way around the world, to a new country where she knows no body at all, all in a month's time. Boo was charming, but not THAT charming.

I know that Boo has a tendency to exagerate a LOT, and I tend to believe that is the case here too. Although, knowing Boo like I do, it would not surprise me in the least if he does come home with a wife. But you have to understand, Boo is the man who has spent many an hour on the internet searching for a Bride. (Usually on Ebay. Yeah, classy).

Guess he just couldn't handle the reality that his beloved Jacy had gotten married this year, and is now expecting her first child (not his) and that I had found my love of my life, and he was single without any prospects on the horizon. He apparently had had his fill of American woman, or he had to go 'HOME' to find someone who didn't know him the way I do.

Either way, I wish him luck. I hope, if all of this is true, that it is every thing he hopes and wants it to be. It's possible that he found his soul mate, after all, I found mine and knew within a week or 2. Anything is possible. Even Boo getting married.

Some times you're up, some times you're down.

It is becoming more apparent that the forces of evil (The Slug and C1) have decided to join forces and are now conspiring together, against me. That means I fight them together, it's just a bigger fight. I was under the mistaken impression that I could somehow trust C1 to work with me for the benefit of our son. Turns out, this battle isn't about our son at all, it's about putting me in my place for having the audacity to fall in love with a man who does not live here.

I had an eye opening conversation with my son this morning. He has said he wants to stay with his father for a while, because he's tired of the fighting and arguing that happens at my house. When pressed for details, the best he can come up with is, he's tired of the girls fighting. Well, I'm sorry, sisters argue. There will be disagreements in our house, more than at his father's because, well, there's more people.

In the same conversation it came around to the fact that my son truly believes that it's ok that The Slug hit him (when we were married) and that he somehow deserved it, and still does. He believes that it's ok, that he deserved it. I was horrified and appauled to discover that Bo actually believes that. I thought I left The Slug to protect the girls, so that they would not believe that love involves violence and pain. I didn't realize I waited too long and my son had already started to believe that love should hurt.

I know it can not be undone any time soon. There is no quick fix to this problem. He will be like me, he will have no self esteem, he will doubt himself. I can't undo the damage my staying did to him. I don't even think his father is aware of the damage or the extent. If he is aware of this, he wrongly thinks he can lay the blame for this problem squarely at my feet. The problem is, he has now joined forces with The Slug, the very devil himself who has done this to our son. He allows them to see each other. He perpetuates the cycle, to this day. All in his need to get back at me for some reason.

Batman was the first positive "step-father' role model in my son's life. And because B didn't have the good sense to live in the same town with us, Bo's father is doing all he can to make sure our son can not be closer to Batman. But he continues to allow The Slug to have contact with our son (the man who beat Bo when he was younger) and his sick perverted brother who was convicted of molesting his daughter. Am I the only one who sees the problem here? Let's make sure our 13 year old son does not get to spend any quality time with a great guy like Batman, who thinks Bo is a really cool kid, who spends time with him, who respects him, who make Bo feel good about himself. Instead, let's make sure Bo gets to spend as much time as possible with the ex family who didn't give him the time of day when we were family, who abused him physically and emotionally and mentally. Let's destroy any chance of this child having a healthy self esteem and postive outlook on life.

CHRIST! I could just pull my hair out and scream from the injustice of it all!!!!!!! I can't do this! I can't fight all of this, at the same time. There's no way! Except that there is. I will fight it, because I have to. For my son, I have to.

I have a Date!

Things have settled down for me this week. Saturday was hard, really hard, and I don't know why exactly, except that it was. But I got through it. Sunday, which is usually my day haunted by demons, was a breeze. I found something worth while to focus on, and got through my day.

I posted 'He comes to me in my dreams' earlier this week. It was just another step towards me letting go of what used to be, and accepting what is right now. He got a copy of it too. It eliminated some of the awkward between us. Made it easier for us to talk.

And talk we did. We've talked via email and messenger all week, and it's been nice. The phone calls at night have started again. There is a comfortable ease between us now, familiar, safe. We've even been flirting, a lot. Probably more than we did when we were together.

We made a date, supposed to be last night, but well, the weather in St. Louis didn't cooperate with us. It was raining, supposed to snow. He told me "I still care about you, and want you in one piece, so don't come down tonight. We'll just plan on Sunday."

And so, Sunday it is. After he takes the kids home, when he's free to focus on me, on us, I'll be there with him. Are we back together? No. Are we talking? Yes. Is there hope? Always was. Do I think this weekend will change anything? I'm not sure, but I'll be there, for the night.

It's not forever, but it's a start. I'll take it. It's a step, a small step. I can't ask for more, accept only what he can give right now, and right now he's offering one night. He came to me, not in my dreams, but in the light of day.

I have found my twin!

They say that everyone has a twin. Some people are born with theirs and know them their entire life. The rest of us, well, it’s luck.

I seem to have stumbled across mine, in Blog-land. She lives in Tennessee, and I was bored one day, following links from other blogs, and found hers. What I read on her blog rang so true to me. I could very well have written some of it myself.

So, as I’m wont to do sometimes, I commented on her blog. She was talking about how her son wants to grow up to be an Army Sniper. I mentioned that my sister holds a long held dream of my son growing up to be a hairdresser just to thwart his father’s dreams he become an NFL quarterback.

That started an email correspondence today. The more we share in emails, the more alike we find ourselves to be. We are both single moms with teenagers, although her 13 year old is a girl and mine is a boy, (no they will not be meeting anytime soon, or getting together) A direct quote from her profile sounds just like me :

“I like the Charlie Brown specials that always come on during the various holidays. My two favorite television shows are: The Closer and Law & Order SVU. I feel things strongly...so if I am mad..I am mad...sad I am sad..happy I am happy. No in between. I will admit right now, I don't handle problems well...I have to panic first...try to fix it myself..then turn it over to God! When I know I should give it God first and not panic.”

She has a Knucklehead (my word, not hers) in her life. Her best friend, who is a guy, stopped by my blog today too, and sent me a message telling me that we are just alike and he believes we are twins. The more we talk, the more I believe he may be right. We even share the same name!

I have added her to my list of blogs linked on the right. Go over, visit her place. Tell her, The Other Becky says HI!

Thank you!!!!!

My friend M is the best. I raved about her a couple of posts ago, and I’m going to rave about her again today.

She may act tough as nails on the outside, but inside, where it counts, she understands love, romance, sentimental crap. She laughs at me sometimes, but she gets me, and she’s there for me.

I am working on some projects at home, that have to do with my photography, with Batman, and music. I am tapping into a creative vein I didn’t know I had. (Scary). I needed a soundtrack from this summer. I found all the songs I wanted, got the music together, and went to burn the CD only to discover much to my utter horror, the PC at work does NOT have a CD burner! WTF? It’s a god-damn Dell computer. You know, with Intel Inside? Yeah, Intel may be in there, but CD burner, nope, not there. DAMN.

So, I explain the entire situation to M, and she comes through for me. She gets all the music together for me and burns me the CD I need to complete the project I have in process at home. She knows what it’s for, she knows the story and the need behind it, and the mushy sentimental stuff behind it. She doesn’t judge, she doesn’t tell me it’s not a good idea, she knows why, she gets why, and she understands.

I’ve told her a HUNDRED times Thank you, today, but I will say it again, here. Thank you M for not laughing, for understanding, and for feeding my need to wallow in memories for a little while longer. Thank you for being honest, telling me what you think, and what I know in my head, but my heart doesn’t want to hear. Thank you for not offering me false hope, or for feeding my false hopes. Thanks for seeing what I think I see, when it’s really there, and thanks for telling me “I just don’t see it” when it’s not. Thanks for being in my corner, in our corner. Thanks for being our friend, even though you’ve never laid eyes on Batman. I know he considers you a friend still too.

Thank you for the help with the CD. I will share the finished project with you, when it’s done. I couldn’t have done it without you.

He comes to me in my dreams

He comes to me in my dreams. He tells me that he loved me, and he might love me again, but for now, he just needs time. He tells me that he still cares, but can’t put into words what he needs to say. He tells me that right now he can’t but won’t say never again. He says ‘Not right now, but maybe someday in the future. I just don’t know.’ He tells me he’s being honest, and I know he is. He doesn’t lie. He tells me the truth, as he knows it. He can not promise me anything, but will not rule out anything either. I try to listen with my heart, but the emptiness and pain get in the way.

Some times in my dreams, I can touch him. But only his physical self, not the emotional. His body is available, but not his heart. That is still guarded and protected and still off limits. I can see it in his eyes, but I can’t reach it. Like looking at it through a plate glass window. I see the love that was there, but has been set aside. I know it’s not gone, it’s just guarded now.

We talk, but it’s empty. We look for things to talk about, but there is this awkward pink elephant sitting between us, that we can’t seem to ignore, or get past. Things are not the same. Every now and then, the guard slips, the walls drop, and I can see into his heart. There is love there but they are just embers of a fire that is dying. There is hurt too. The love gives me hope. The hurt kills me, knowing I’m responsible for it. I can’t take it away, no matter what I do.

He comes to me in my dreams, but he’s no longer the man he used to be. I have changed him. I have hurt him, and that does not easily go away. We don’t know how to walk away from each other, and we can’t be together, not the way we used to be. We are trapped in between here and there, between dreams and awake.

He comes to me in my dreams. He offers me nothing more than he can give. He is honest and upfront about what that is, and what it isn’t. He gives me his time, his friendship, a warm embrace, sometimes a tender kiss, but not often. His voice on the phone still calms me, grounds me, centers me. He is still home to me, my rock, my calm, my safe harbor. That is asking a lot of him, but truly, his voice, his friendship, are enough for now. He’s my logic and my reason. There are memories of better times, happier times. There is also hope for someday, fleeting as it is. I accept only what he can give, and know better than to ask for more. Only time will tell what is in store for us. There is comfort in his friendship, there is sadness at what has been lost.

He comes to me in my dreams. I wait for him there. It is enough for now.

Welcome to the Neighborhood

Ok, guys, I have a list of blogs I visit on a daily basis. Some of the authors I know IRL and some only through blogs, I consider all of them friends.

So, today, (ok yesterday, actually) a friend IRL of mine, M, started her own blog. M and I used to work together at the accounting firm (with Big Boss..ya know, the perv?) Anyway, we have kept in contact since I’ve left.

M’s awesome, she’s tough as nails, but inside she’s got a soft side she doesn’t show many people. She’s been hurt before, wants to avoid getting hurt again at all costs. Who among us doesn’t? She keeps some people at arms length, even when she wants to be close. Can’t fault her that. But she’s good people. The people in her life, around her, create some crazy ass drama which can be very entertaining at times. When M decides she likes you, and befriends you, she’s loyal to a fault. She will defend you, she has your back, but she will also slap you upside your head when you’re being an idiot. She will be loyal to you till the end. Unless you betray her. Then you’d better hide, because she does not take betrayal lightly.

As I mentioned, she’s started her own blog on Blogger, and would like some company. So, if you have a few minutes, go over, visit her new home, drop in, say Hello, tell her I sent you, and make her feel welcome. She’s the new kid on the blog, and well, who wouldn’t like to be welcomed to the neighborhood?

Step by step...day by day..

I did lunch two days last week, with friends of mine. It was just lunch. Just friends. Yes, they were of the male persuasion. There was nothing romantic going on, nothing beyond friends.

But it was an eye opener. I left both lunches, and cried. Broke down and cried. Cried because I can’t do this. I can’t even be at lunch with a male friend because it’s just not Batman. I’m not ready to do this, I’m not sure I’ll ever be ready to do this. I don’t want to do this.

I told him (Batman) that I would never love anyone else but him. He was IT. There would be no one in my life after him. I would never love another, I would never date another, I would never sleep with another. Him or no one at all.

At the time he may have thought I was joking, and it may have sounded drastic and dramatic, but it was the truth, as I felt it, as I know it. I didn’t realize just how true it was until this past week, but now I know. There really will be no one else for me.

I knew that all along. I knew Batman was The One. I was so sure of it, that I burned every bridge I’d ever kept before. I told all the Knucklehead’s that I had met the man I was born to love. I walked away from all of them. I stopped calling them, stopped meeting them for drinks, stopped discussing the races with them. I cut all ties, burned all bridges. And never looked back, never regretted it. KNEW in my heart and soul, it was the right thing to do. Even now, in the midst of whatever this mess is we’re in, I can’t/won’t reach out to the Knucklehead’s. I don’t want them. I don’t want anyone. Except Batman.

Saturday was the worst day so far. Everything set me off. Not just tears threatening to spill, but gut wracking, soul emptying, crying. Crawl into bed and hide from the rest of the world. Breath and thought took too much effort. Nothing could distract me. Even my kids, god love them, with their hugs and kisses and attempts to understand, couldn’t help. And the guilt I felt for letting them see my grief, made everything so much worse.

One of the Knucklehead’s did call me last week, to see how I’m doing. I told him that my world had effectively fallen apart. His response? “So, your world fell apart, but you didn’t, did you? That is improvement, that is progress.” Yes, my world fell apart, but I didn’t. I may have crumbled, for a while, and at times, but I didn’t fall apart. I kept it together, I have weathered through it, and I continue on my path. Some days are harder than others, and some times take more effort than I think I can muster, but some how I manage.

I hurt. I miss him. I have a void in my life, and in my heart that he left behind. I love him still. I am waiting, and hoping, and still believing that in time, things will work out. In the end it will be OK. If it’s not ok, it’s not the end. And right now, it’s not ok, so it’s not the end.

A day at a time, a step at a time, whatever I can handle. Some days are easier than others, but I get through them all. Some days I look better at the end of the day than other days. Some days I’m still standing at the end. Some days I’m on my knees. Either way, I’m still breathing, and still hoping and still keepin’ on. The best that I can. The only way I know how, step by step.

Overheard at the office today...

"Why doesn't someone just come over here and shove a bunch of crap in this drawer so I can't find anything?
Oh wait, looks like someone already did!"

****************************************************************************

"Just keep those faxes coming in people. It's not like we have nothing else to do around here today."



I love my job...

How many of Me? How many of you?

Go check out this website: Click here

It tells you approximately how many people in the United States have the same first and last name as you.

148 people share my name

11 share Tate's

51 share Newt's

28 share Bo's

122 share Batman's

43 share Scooter's

52 share Princess's

Don't ask me why I checked on the last 3, you all know already.

How many share your name?

Girls and Guys

When you break a gal's heart, she still feels it when you run into each other 3 years later

When a gal is quiet, millions of things are running through her mind.

When a gal is not arguing, she is thinking deeply.

When a gal looks at you with eyes full of questions, she is wondering how long you will be around.

When a gal answers, "I'm fine, " after a few seconds, she is not at all fine.

When a gal stares at you, she is wondering why you are so wonderful.

When a gal lays her head on your chest, she is wishing for you to be hers forever.

When a gal says that she can't live without you, she has made up her mind that you are her future.

When a gal says, "I miss you", no one in this world can miss you more than that.

When a gal is mean to you after a breakup she wants you back, but she's scared she'll get hurt and knows you're gone forever

When a guy calls you he wants to be with you.

When a guy is quiet, he's listening to you...

When a guy is not arguing, he realizes he's wrong.

When a guy says, "I'm fine" after a few minutes, he means it.

When a guy stares at you, he wishes you would care about him and wonders if you do.

When you're laying your head on a guy's chest, he has the world.

When a guy calls you everyday, he is in love.

When a (good) guy tells you he loves you he means it.

When a guy says he can't live without you, he's with you till you're done.

When a guy says, "I miss you", he misses you more than you could have ever missed him or anything else

Our Story

Let me see if I can clear up some things. 3 months ago, I met Batman. I never really told anyone the story how we met.

I spent a weekend at the Lake this summer with some friends. A much-needed weekend away from my life. It was fun, it was relaxing. Nothing to do but swim in the pool, go out on the boat, b-b-q and drink a few beers. Nothing more serious to think about than, do I want another beer? While I’m there, they check their email, and there is an email from Plentyoffish.com, a free on-line dating website. One I’d never heard of, but since it’s completely free, why not.

I check it out when I get home, post a profile, and wait. I got a lot of hits. I made a lot of friends, chatted with a lot of people, but no one had ‘Meet in real life’ potential. Until I came across Batman’s profile. Something about his picture, something about his profile, kept drawing me back to him. So, I sent him a message, how he could find me on-line so we could chat.

Within minutes of sending that message, he starts chatting with me on line. Within the hour, we were talking on the phone. Often. A lot, hours at a time, about everything and nothing. The connection was instantaneous for both of us. It was nice, but it was somewhat scary how comfortable we felt with each other so quickly. That was August 2nd. The rest is history, as they say.

That weekend he took his kids camping at his brother’s place, but we spent the entire time on the phone. Sunday morning, at 6:00 he called me, he was up, the kids still asleep and he wanted to share a quiet early morning with me. I loved waking up with him, even if it was via phone. I distinctly remember thinking that weekend, “I love that man.” I wasn’t wrong.

Our first date was supposed to be August 9th, but he decided to surprise me and came up on the 7th instead. When we finally met face to face, it was as if I’d known him my entire life. It was so comfortable, easy, right. That weekend I went to his place and spent the entire weekend there.

When I got home, I had left him a letter that said…

I’ve been writing this letter in my head all weekend, praying you would hear what I couldn’t say to you. Time to put it on paper now, and tell you what I couldn’t say.

I fell in love this weekend, and it has nothing to do with my new camera. I fell in love with you, your kids, your parents, the entire family, but mostly you.

You asked me before, and then I wasn’t sure. I am now, more sure of this than anything else in my life. I love you.

The biggest regrets we have in life are things not done, risks not taken. I never want to regret not telling you how I feel. I want you to know, I love you. You may not be there yet, you’ll tell me when you are, but for now, know that I love you. Plain and simple, totally and completely, I love you.

I was right that day too. The very next day, while we chatted on line….

Batman: You have no idea how many times I had to catch myself from saying those words

Me: Why?

Batman: I didn't want you to think I was jumping the gun

Me: All I was waiting for was to hear you say them
Me: Feelings are never wrong

Batman: I agree
Batman: I LOVE YOU!!!! AND THE FEELINGS ARE REAL!!

I knew after that weekend, that I would marry him. He knew it too, we talked about it.

Batman: So this mean you are going to be around awhile I hope

Me: As long as you'll have me

Batman: I think we have already come to the conclusion that I feel the same about you that you feel about me.

Me: I'm in this for the long haul. I truly don't ever want to be with anyone else but you ever again

Batman: so when are we getting married then?

Me: Let's set a date

Batman: lol

Me: not the answer you were looking for?

Batman: I feel we should wait at least a few months before we jump into that. I didn't think you were coming back with that. But I do feel the same and don't want to be with anyone else. So it’s just a matter of time. You really caught me off guard on that one

Me: It really was off the cuff

Batman: I can see us spending the rest of our lives together. I do see a future and a very bright one.

I never questioned my feelings for him, NEVER. I always knew I would marry him someday. I knew he was the one for me. So, what changed? What happened? I happened.

I *never* doubted my feelings for him, but I began to question his feelings for me. I forgot men are from Mars, and women are from Venus. I forgot that men are like rubber bands, and they need to pull away every now and then in order to get close again. I forgot to trust that he was different from everyone who had come before him. I reacted instinctually, from my gut, from my past and assumed the worst. I let my demons whisper in my ears and I listened to their lies. I allowed the seeds of doubt they planted to take root and grow.

I assumed something was going on that truly wasn’t. I tried to talk to him, but because he was in that pulling away stage, he couldn’t talk to me. I forgot all that I had learned that was right, and reacted from all that I had learned that was wrong. I didn’t trust him, at the point I should have trusted him the most. I went looking for answers to questions he couldn’t answer for me. I went about finding answers, satisfying my own needs, instead of just trusting and respecting his needs. I never cheated on him. I did something behind his back, trying to find answers that I didn’t understand he couldn’t give me. I screwed up. Bigger than life. I know that now.

Lesson learned. I have apologized, repeatedly. He knows I am sorry. He knows that I love him. I know that he still loves me; he just can’t give me that love right now. But that doesn’t mean that he won’t in the future. I still believe he’s The One. I still cling to the belief we were meant to be. I know now, what I should have known all along. I can trust him, I can believe him, my past is my past and he’s not a part of that. He is my future. My feelings were real, and were right then, they are still real, and still right. I just acted wrong, because of my past, because of the ghosts that have never gone away.

Whew!

He didn't call last night. Not a big deal. Said he was going to The House to help Scooter with his science project. He doesn't lie.

He didn't call this morning on his way to work. Ok, again, not a big deal. Could have stayed at The House to help Scooter get the science project to school this morning. He said he was at The House last night. He doesn't lie.

I was worried there would be an ominous email waiting for me from him this morning. There wasn't.

Life's mysteries will be sorted out later today or even tonight.

I hate 13

Love is hard sometimes. It shouldn’t be, but sometimes it is. It’s really hard when you’re 13. Witness the drama that unfolded in my house last night….

I got home around 5:15-ish last night. Not late, by any means. When I got home, Bo was talking on his cell phone, and had been for almost an hour. I had some issues with that, (his chores weren’t done) but since one of the ‘demands’ in his father’s motion to modify was that I have no say over Bo’s phone usage, I let it slide. Let him see just how much his son would be on the phone, if left to his own devices.

He was apparently on the phone with his *new* girlfriend. Who happens to be in 9th grade (Bo’s in 7th) and has never laid eyes on my son. Her little sister is in Bo’s class. I have issues with this right off the bat. What does a 9th grader want with my son, whom she has never seen?

I did tell him he needed to get off the phone and do his chores. He hung up with her, and kid you not, hussy calls back 3 minutes later. When he doesn’t answer the phone, she hangs up and *immediately* calls right back, so I answer the phone.

Is Bo there?
Yes
Put him on the phone
Uh, I don’t think so, he can’t talk right now
When can he talk?
When I say he can.
Well tell him L called.
Oh, he knows.

In the next 90 minutes, the hussy calls my son no less than 14 times. He does not answer the phone b/c he’s eating dinner, taking a shower, doing the dishes. I tell him he can call her back after his shower. That’s when the real fun began.

He spends the next hour or so on the phone with her, listening to her chew his butt for not answering the phone when she calls, and threatening to ‘break up’ with him because of it. Oh, hell no. That hussy is not going to talk to my son like that. Who the hell does she think she is? So, I get on the phone with her.

Listen here, this is Bo’s mom, and you will not talk to my son that way. He has a life and responsibilities around this house that come before talking to you. You can leave him a message if he doesn’t answer and he’ll call you back when he can, but you will not control him like this.

After that little conversation with the psycho, she tells my son, “If your mother talks to me like that again, it’s over between us.” My son, who at this point has lost his mind, comes into my bedroom and tells me this. I simply say…’Hand me the phone.’

Instead, I call his father and get him involved. Maybe he can get through to our son, how completely insane this is. Uh, wrong. He’s pissed off that Bo’s been on the phone for over 2 hours tonight and has burned through over 120 minutes and jacked up the phone bill. (Uh, that’s what you get for telling me I can’t control his phone usage. You get outrageous phone bills. Wanna rethink that little demand you put in those papers? Yeah, I thought so.) He calls Bo, and starts to chew his ass (about the phone bill, not the psycho) and I can hear him yelling from another room. I go into Bo’s room to see what’s going on, only to find…(drum roll please…) Bo asleep with the phone on the nightstand, his father screaming his head off. Christ.

So, today, Bo will be given a different phone. One with no number pad on it, so he is limited to only calling preprogrammed phone numbers, and the phone will not accept any incoming calls from numbers not programmed in it. That solves the phone bill issue, but it does nothing to solve the girlfriend/boyfriend issue. The psycho girlfriend will be kicked to the curb today, but how do you explain to your 13 year old son that all that went on last night, was unacceptable? Poor kid, I’m telling this psycho hussy off, and he’s utterly mortified, and then apologizes to her for my behavior? Oh, wrong, wrong, wrong.

He doesn’t have to put up with that, and he sure as hell shouldn’t be begging her to not break up with him. He was all but begging her to stick around and abuse him some more. Oh, believe me, I can understand that, I can relate, I’ve been there. But it breaks my heart to see it in my son. It’s even more frustrating when his father completely misses the point of the whole situation.

I’ll let dad handle the phone bill issue. That seems to be the only problem he grasped out of the whole situation. I’ll deal with the more important issue, the emotional issue, the self esteem issue. God help us all.


ETA: His father just called, Bo has apparently used 400 minutes in 4 days. Hussy called and left a message for Bo "Hey Bo, It's over. If you want to know why, call me." His father said, don't even think about it. Christ the drama.

A Small Ray of Hope

Yesterday was Sunday. No surprise there. Around my house, that means RaceDay. NASCAR will be on, and I will be parked in front of the television watching. Been that way all season. Yesterday was no exception.

Sunday at Batman's house is not much different. Downstairs you can find football on the big screen. Upstairs, Zoom Zoom is on. B is sprawled out on his bed, watching the race, napping halfway through it.

3:00 my phone (the Batphone) rings, and it's him. I hadn't called or text messaged him at all. So I was surprised (in a really good way) that he called. I knew why he was calling... Zoom Zoom was on.

Hey B, what's up?

Nothing, got your message, thought I'd call.

I didn't send you a message today. That was yesterday, and we already talked. (Sounds like a good excuse to me)

Oh, I didn't see the date. Anyway, whatcha doing?

Watching the race. (He knows what I'm doing. He misses me! Hee hee)

At mom's?

Nope, I'm home.

Alone?

Uh, yeah, alone. (Jealous? Maybe? Please?) What's up? You ok? Sounds like something's bothering you? Kids better today?

Oh, just watching the race, thought I'd call. Yeah, kids are better today. Didn't sleep very well last night.

Oh, ok (missed me beside you, didn't ya? Yeah, I know how you feel.)

We talked for a while longer. He said he missed me. Said he would be taking the kids back to their mom's around 4:30-5:00, he would call when he left there.

I can't put into words why, but there is a small ray of hope there. We talked more last night, and really, what was said was completely unimportant. But he misses me, and we were closer last night than we have been in a while.

While I don't believe for half a second, things will turn around over night for us, I now have a little bit more hope that we might find our way out of this, eventually.

A Miracle has happened!

Yeah, not THAT miracle. Batman hasn't come to his senses just yet. This one is even BIGGER than that.

The Slug called me this morning (so much for restraining orders... sheesh) to tell me that the Sitter had rushed her husband Pop to the hospital this morning. Slug was pretty freaking unclear about details (he never was good at that, and when it comes to medical stuff, he's clueless) but said something about kidneys shutting down. It does not look very good right now. (Here's where the prayers/good thoughts are needed. Please send good vibes to Pops and The Sitter.)

So we will have to make other arrangements for the girls after school. He had the audacity to tell me I would have to take a few days off work to keep the girls. Uh, hello? Why should I miss work and not get paid, since you don't even have a job?
I start a new job tomorrow.

I guess when the judge tells him "You need to get a lawyer, like yesterday" mama done told him "You need to get a freakin' job, like 2 days ago." And wham bam, when you threaten him with court and custody, bingo, he all of a sudden finds employment.

Do you know what that means? DING DING CHA-CHING! That's right, the child support payments should start rolling in now, with every paycheck. Halleluja! Miracles never cease to amaze me.

And if a miracle of this proportion can happen, then Batman coming to his senses and working this out with me, well, that miracle should be no problem at all.

Today has been Hell,

Today has been rough, to say the least, the VERY least. It started at 5:00, wide awake, unable to sleep another minute longer. That's what time we would always start to wake up, even on weekends, even though we would linger in bed for a couple more hours, watching the news, drinking coffee. My internal alarm is now set for 5:00. Another reminder of another time.

I don't know how to get him him out of my head yet. There's no way to get him out of my heart. I don't know how to let him go, and still continue to believe we'll be together someday. That's too far away, and too painful, and right now it seem so damn impossible.

I don't know how to make the hurt go away. I don't know how to fill the void he has left in my life, in my heart. I have spent today in virtual hell. I have been home, alone today. My first weekend at home, alone, in 12 weeks. There have been times I have felt like I have run full speed right into a brick wall. The pain of being alone, away from him, takes my breath away.

Mom says "Get up, do laundry, clean the house, keep yourself busy." I can't. Breathing right now takes too much effort. I can't function today. I hurt so much. I know that it will get better, I know that this will fade, that I will go on. I just don't know how right now. I just don't want to right now. I don't want to be here, I want to be 'home' with him, where I belong, where my heart is.

Everything I have tried to tell myself in the past couple of days, is all beginning to sound like desperate attempts to fool myself into believing something that is highly unlikely. That hurts and scares me too.

I have no doubt in my mind, that I loved him, truly loved him. I still do. I knew from day 3 I loved him. I have no doubt that I truly believed I would marry him someday. It's hard to hold on to that belief and let him go at the same time. I believe he was The One for me. He was everything I ever wanted and all I ever dreamed of and so much more. I was so sure about all of this, that I told every other person in my life, I had found my Prince Charming, and I was done. I know I will never love another man, as long as I life. I know I will never sleep beside another man for the rest of my life. If I can't have Batman, I won't be with anyone else.

It's hard reconciling the two, holding on to the belief we are meant to be, and letting him go at the same time. I don't know how. I guess this is just a huge test of faith and trust, both of which I have in very short supply. Neither one are my strong suit.

I don't know how to do this. I'm not any good at it. It hurts too much. And yet, I will find a way to do it. I will find a way to go on. Baby steps for now, small, managable, moments in time. One breath at a time, even though it feels as if a ton of bricks are sitting on my chest, making every breath more effort than I can muster.

Pray, hope, faith, trust. What other choices do I have?

How do you.....

Say good-bye when you're not ready and it's not what you want?

Stop thinking about him every minute of every day?

Let go, when you believe in your heart he is The One?

Stop the pain and the ache and the emptiness in your heart where he used to be?

Learn to let go, and move on, when your mind is still hung up on what used to be, and what could have been?

Find answers the hundreds of questions that run through you mind all day long, that have no answers at all?

Stop looking for clues that this is going to work out in the end?

I have the best family! I love them, and they love me

It has been a really rough week, hell, 2 weeks. My heart has been through the wringer and my emotions have run the gamut. But I'm still standing, thanks to the love and support of my family.

I called my brother Wednesday night, right before my world fell apart. I knew it was going to, I knew the phone call from Batman that night was just perfunctionary, as we had already discussed the inevitable in emails all day. I called my brother, first to find out exactly how/when did he know that my SIL K was The One. I mean, I have thought (known) B was The One for me, almost from the beginning. But now, I was beginning to have doubts. Did I know it or was it just me hoping and reading way too much into things, (Again)? He knew within a week, even though they couldn't be together right away.

We talked, and he tried to explain the inner workings of a man's brain and his heart. What was said is just between us, but it was incredibly helpful and insightful, and explained so much to me. It gave me hope, but not false hope. He offered advise, his opinion, his love and support with no lectures. He was absolutely wonderful.

Yesterday, at work, I saw him on-line and dropped in to say thank you. Sent him a link to this blog, and he read it. We had another short, yet deep meaningful conversation then too. He gave me some things to think about, but mostly he was honest and didn't pull punches. He told me what he thought, and offered his support. Thanks Bud. I love you.

My sister popped in today, and from my previous post, you can tell, did her 'Sister Thang" with me, and pulled my head from my ass, cleared the fog that was clouding my brain, and pointed me in the direction I needed to be in to get my head straight too. She's good for that.

Then tonight, I didn't want to go home and face an empty apartment. I had just spent 2 exhausting hours at my attorney's office finishing the papers we need to file for the motion to modify. (That is another headache in and of itself, and well I don't want to think about it right now). So, I called mom and asked if I could come up and hide out at her place for a while.

Lucky for me, when I got there she was alone, and we got the chance to really talk. Even mom, in the midst of her own drama (her story to tell, not mine) was there offering support and encouragement. Telling me 'Don't give up on him. Do you love him enough to walk through hell for him? (I'm about to enter something much worse than Dante's Inferno) Do you believe in your heart, do you know beyond all doubt that he's the one? (I was pretty sure I knew that.) Do you believe it, even if he doesn't know it yet? (yeah, I know it, he doesn't get it yet, but I know). Then hold on to the hope, hold on the belief, hold on to the love. Even if he walks away, even if he dates other people for now, hold on to what you know.

Sis knew with her B that she was meant to be with him, even as he took pictures of her when she married someone else. Bud knew he was meant to be with K, even when he lived thousand of miles and several time zones, and states away.

Mom asked me Is this different than any other relationship you've had? (Yes) How? I instinctively know things about him, about us, before he does. I knew I loved him before I laid eyes on him. The first weekend I spent with him I knew I would marry him . I knew the exact moment he fell in love with me, long before he told me. I knew something was wrong, over a week before he did. I know when he's sick, I know when he's tired, I know when he has a headache. I know from the sound of his voice, exactly what is going on in his life that day. I know that I will never love another man. I know that I will never sleep beside another man as long as I live. If I am not with B, I will be alone. I have never questioned any of this. But I have questioned How do I know? Do I really know or am I just building up nothing into a whole lot of something it's not?

There has always been something different about my relationship with Batman. The dads' radar went off early (6 weeks into our relationship) that this one matters. Both of them, in a 24 hour period, asked me when I would be moving to be closer to Batman, and when we would be getting married. Everyone I have talked to (at least in my family, b/c I've only talked to them and him) has told me, if this is meant to be, it will all work out in the end. Just hold on to that. You both know that there are things you need to work out, but in the grand scheme of the rest of your life, even a year (if it takes that long) is a drop in the bucket.

So, thank you, Mom, Bud, Sis, for loving me, and supporting me. Thank you for offering you opinions and your advice. Thank you for the swift kicks in the ass when they are needed. Thank you for the tissues when they are needed. Thank you for believing in us as much as I do, and for telling me to never give up hope, to hold on to what I have. Thank you for pointing out things I didn't see with my own eyes, because I couldn't see past the pain and the hurt. Thank you for keeping me ever present in the moment instead of wondering off on a tangent of what used to be, what could have been, what I want to be. Thank you for pointing out the demons of my life that still need to be slain. I know that I will only truly be free to love Batman with all that I am, when the demons of my past all lay dead at my feet by my own hand. Thank you for not allowing me to hide from life, for not allowing me to wallow in self pity and depression this weekend. Thank you for showing me I am strong, and I can survive and do it gloriously this weekend.

Thank you for being my family. I love you all

Getting right in my head and heart

I have been held hostage this morning by my over-thinking mind, and my still raw emotions. I have caved to the depression, the hurt, and the tears. But once again, talking to my sister has cleared the fog in my head.

Sis popped up on my IM this morning, just checking in. Read my post from yesterday, and wanted to make sure I am ok.

Me: I still believe B is The One, and maybe we just need to go through this, he needs to go through this, before we can be together. Know what I'm trying to say?

Lil Sis: Sure, but I also think that YOU need to go through it, too, yes? I mean, I don't know what happened for certain, but I know for myself that when I screw up, the only way for me to fully learn a better way is to see the whole process through to the end. Maybe the lesson for you is at the very end? Or maybe you've already learned it? I mean, I don't know - it's not my place to guess. I just know that all things in life are processes - and usually the benefit of the process isn't achieved until the process is finished

Me: I learned, I could have trusted him, believed him all along, I just didn't see it b/c my past still clouded my judgment. When I asked him "If I hadn't done what I did, would this still be happening?" He answered "I don't know." So I know it wasn't just me, there were other things. I know what they were, to an extent

Lil Sis: well, it's gonna be a journey for certain.


I realized this morning, that I need to think things through and get things settled in my head and heart as well. And what Sis said rang true, made some sense. I reached down, deep inside, found the strength inside that I know I have, and pulled myself together.

I once asked Sis “How will I know when I have found The One?” and she told me, “When he is everything you’ve ever wanted, and all you’ve ever dreamed of.” I still believe that B was/is that for me. He was/is everything I ever wanted and all I ever dreamed of. I spent a long time, looking for the deal breaker, I never found it. He would constantly amaze me with all he was willing to do and give, with everything he was.

I believe now, that he’s just not ready for all our love could become, at least not yet. His divorce has not been final a full year yet. His relationship with EW (ex-wife) was 18 years long. He’s has admitted that he’s not ready to be a part of another full fledge family. He still needs time and space to find himself. I understand that, I’ve been there.

In all honesty, I am not ready to commit to all our love could be. Not yet. I may be free from my past according to the law, the courts and the state, but the reality of the situation is vastly different. The law, the courts, all decree that I am single and free to live my own life free from control, restraint, and interference from my past. That is not my reality.

The drama my past continues to create in my past, the fact that he exploits every possible angle he can find to control my life, makes me and my life just too much. There are still too many issues from my past that are unresolved, and will never be resolved as long as things continue the way they are. Those issues make my life difficult, and messy, ugly, and daunting to an outsider. It is unfair to expect an outsider to come into my life and accept all that baggage, when it’s not their battle in the first place. I truly should be completely free from my past, before I reach out and embrace what the future hints at for us.

I need time, and space, to free myself from the clutches my past still claims on my life. When I have successfully extracted my life from the tentacles of my past, when I can come to him free and clear, standing on my own, with my children, then, and only then can I expect him to accept me and my children. Then and only then can we begin to explore the true possibility of our life and love, the love that I know we are capable of having and sharing.

We both still have issues from our past that we need to work through. I have learned through all of this, that I could have trusted him all along, but I didn’t. I let my past cloud my judgment, and affect my present. I should have trusted him, trusted in us, given him what he needed with understanding and trust instead of freaking out with jealousy and insecurity. What he asked for, what he needed, or wanted wasn’t impossible for me to give. Ok, in all honesty, it *was* impossible for me to give but it shouldn’t have been impossible.

I believe that right now, it’s hard to walk away. It’s hard to admit the time is not right. It hurts to know that I know he’s out there, that I’ve have the incredible luck to already have loved him, but we’re not ready yet for all we could (will) be. I am in no way giving up hope. I am not in any way ending everything between us. I will continue to be his friend, I will continue to share as little or as much of my life with him that we can both accept. I will continue to keep the lines of communication open between us. If this love, our love, is truly meant to be, then we’ll come back together in the future, when we’re *both* ready and able to handle all that it will be.

Today would have been 3 months, last night we said goodbye*

Today would have been 3 months for us, last night we said Good-bye. For now.

Yesterday, as the solid ground I thought I had been standing on finally gave way, and I felt like I would crumble with it. I reacted with my guts, with instincts, with emotions. I forgot in the dark, all that I had learned in the light.

We talked via emails yesterday, and I felt like I was fighting for my life. I reacted with emotions. I forgot all I had learned in therapy, I forgot to step back, I forgot to set up boundaries. I forgot in the dark, all that I had learned in the light. Yesterday afternoon he stopped responding to my emails, and when he did, I stopped sending them, and finally took the step back that I needed. I stopped reacting with emotions, and started to think with logic and reason and calm.

I knew yesterday I wouldn’t be going ‘home’ to him, and I dreaded it. Yesterday morning I dreaded. Yesterday at lunch I avoided the apartment, I didn’t want to be there. At 4:30 I dreaded it. At 5:00 I left work with a heavy heart. Every breath was an effort, every step taking me closer to a place I didn’t want to be. My heart screamed to go ‘home’ but my head knew home wasn’t there any more. It had to be here. At 5:15 I walked into my empty apartment, and welcomed the quiet and the solitude. I didn’t think I would be able to do that, but I did.

I sat down with my notebook journal and wrote “I am numb and resigned. There is nothing left to feel, and nothing left to do. It’s over, and I have to accept it. I have beat myself up emotionally today, and would have worn myself out trying to change his mind long before I gave up. Begging, pleading, crying would do no good. His mind is not to be changed, and I realized that if I had tried he could very well have ended up hating me.”

I know that I can not lay the blame for this at his feet, but I refuse to shoulder the blame for it alone. We both share in that. I did what I did, and I have my reasons, none of which excuse it. I asked him last night, “I had not done what I did, would this still be happening?” and after a long silent pause, he answered honestly, “I don’t know. There has been so much going on and I was feeling so overwhelmed and stressed. I just don’t know.” I am not wholly to blame for this.

My sister told me once “If we can allow ourselves to truly be present, in the moment with ourselves and if we can trust that the universe can lead us to things when we’re ready to be led to them, then the end result is ultimate growth, empowerment, expansion, wisdom, courage, strength, and a deep and sincere understanding of our worth and our sense of self and our meaning for being on this planet.” I had spent so much time and energy focusing on what was, what could have been, what might be, what I wanted to be, that I wasn’t accepting what was. In not accepting what was, I was making myself sick, trying to control something completely out of my control. It was only when I accepted what knew was inevitable, was I able to say Good bye to him on my terms, in my own way, and gain back some degree of control over the situation.

My mother tells me I have the blood of warriors in my veins, and I come from a long line of strong women. It’s time I found my strength and join their ranks. I have made decisions regarding my future. I have made a plan, with his support, and his encouragement. I have started that journey and I will not stray. With or without him in my life, I will follow this path to the end, because it is the right thing to do.

There is a fine line between blind faith and complete denial. I’m not sure exactly what side of that line I’m on right now. I know that I love him, I know that he still loves me, I know there are issues that need to be resolved first. I have faith that we will find a way back to each other someday. We may have closed a chapter in our story, but we have not closed the book.

*I wrote a way better version of this post last night, but god damn computer screwed the file up when I saved it this morning, and now it is forever lost.

Is there a distinction between Blind Faith and Complete Denial?

I won’t blog about it all today, because there is much left unresolved. There is much to work out and talk about tonight, and still so many questions without answers. Promises made that now can’t be kept. Plans made based on those promises, and then acted on, now I’m adrift in an ocean of uncertainty.

Lost and floundering, drowning in emotions too real and too raw to even think about let alone touch. So many wants and needs that will go unanswered, leaving gaping holes in my heart and soul.

Ambiguity is a double edge sword. Offering hope when in reality there probably is none. In trying to avoid the inevitable, it makes the truth much much worse.

I have hit my brick wall, and I just want to lay down and be done. Every minute is a lifetime. Every breath takes too much energy. I want nothing more than ‘home’ and now it seems home is gone. I have nothing, I feel nothing. Tomorrow is a hell I don’t want to face. I don’t want to face anything without him.