The Balcony

I stood on the balcony, our balcony, last Thursday night, and looked out over the now familiar landscape. I was transported back in time, a few months ago, earlier this summer. I stood in this same spot, looking over the same landscape, and was struck with the realization that I was home. Even though my address was some 2 hours away, I truly lived here. This house, this family, this man, this place had become my home. I let myself drift along on the memories.

Standing there in the early morning, watching the sun come up, starting the day with B and a cup of coffee, listening, watching the world around us wake up and start the day. Watching a storm, violent, powerful roll in, feeling the wind blow and hearing it howl. Letting the power of the storm vibrate though our bodies, being powerless and mesmerized and captivated by the storm that raged around us. Standing outside at night, feeling the cool summer breeze blow around our bodies still warm from passions spent. Sitting out there one early summer morning, purging the residue of a disturbing dream, and finding the meaning hidden deep inside it. Then, when the time was right, sharing the dream and the message and lesson learned with B. It was on that balcony that the need to free myself from the tentacles of my past became abundantly clear, and where the plan started to form.

Back to present day, I stood on our balcony again, and realized it wasn’t all that long ago I had been fairly certain, I would never be back here again. And for a while, even that was true. But miracles happen, forgiveness can be given, and here I was, once again. Only it was different. The house, the town, it’s not home any more. Right now, the man isn’t mine either, not in the way he used to be. I am not his. I’m not family, I’m just a visitor, a welcome visitor, but not family. I love being there with him, but it’s not mine anymore.

We are finding our way to something new. What we shared this summer, what we felt for each other, is no more. That’s not to say we can’t find something else, we can’t make something new. There will be new memories, of that I’m sure. My home is not there. It’s not here either, it is somewhere in between yet to be determined.

I purged a lot of my past from my life this weekend. Everything up to August, up to the point I met and fell in love with Batman. Maybe the universe is telling me I need to purge that too, the residue of what was and is no more, to make way for what will be and can be and is to be. I think that takes more faith than even I can manage, and I’ve had some amazing things happen in my life recently.

You can’t go home, once you’ve left. It’s never the same again. That balcony will always be full of wonderful memories for me, it is where I first realized I needed to get away, find my own life, start over fresh. It was where the seed of strength and determination was planted. I took my first steps down the path to my new life, right there on that balcony, with Batman beside me.

I will stand there again with him someday. Maybe we’ll watch the sun rise again, maybe the breeze will blow around us, chilling us just enough that we reach for each other for warmth. Maybe there will be more moments shared there, over coffee, a sunrise, or even a sunset. I have pictures of my future on that balcony that come to me, and promise me there will be more days there. Just be patient, wait. It’s not your time, just yet, but it will be. Someday.

Christmas Tagged

I've been tagged by Junebugg at Wasted Days, Wasted Nights.

The Rules:The player of this game starts with "3 things he/she would love to get for Christmas" and also has to list "3 things he/she definitely does not want to get for Christmas". Then he/she tags 5 friends and list their names. The ones who get tagged need to write on their blogs about their Christmas wishes, as well as state this rule clearly, then tag 5 more victims. And the one who tags need to leave a comment that says "you've been Christmas tagged!" in their comments and tell them to read your blog.

Three things I would love to get for Christmas.

1. This is a no brainer. I want my second chance with Batman. I want to try again, I want him back. I love him, I know he loves me. I want a second chance so we can do it right this time.

2. Anything to do with my cameras or photography. I would love a backdrop or two, or even a new lens or two for my Nikon.

3. For my friends and family alike to find happiness, for their wishes and dreams to come true.

Three things I don't want for Christmas.

1. To find there is no chance that Batman and I will ever get our second chance.

2. For the modifications that the fathers and I have agreed upon to fall through and not be granted by the courts.

3. The Flu that seems to be going around.

Tagged: Melissa, M.S., Tennessee Becky, Maven, Susie

Steps

Small steps. That's what we're taking. Small steps back to each other, but not back to what we once had. That is gone. We will have to build new, start over, with the lessons learned from before.

Emails, phone calls, text messages, and now dates, real dates. He took me out to dinner last night. The last time we went to dinner, it was our last night 'together' as a couple. I knew that night it was going to end. Like I knew last night, we would start over.

We took the new car last night. He showed it off. Yes, it's not the Rocket, but it's nice, and it's B's car. I sat beside him, awkward, not sure what to do, what role I was expected to play. I wanted to reach over and hold his hand, or thread my arm through his, but was unsure if it would be awkward and forward and strange. He solved the problem, by reaching for mine, and holding it while we drove to town. "Thanks for coming down." he said, and gave my hand a squeeze. I smiled, and glowed inside.

We sat at the bar to eat dinner. We were the only 2 there for a minute, then an older gentleman sat down at the other end. His wife working behind the bar. We chatted with him, and the staff. Batman told them 'Thought I'd bring a good friend to dinner.', then leaned over to me and said "Is that ok?"
"Well, yeah, because it's kind of tacky to call me your piece of ass."
"Well, it's really more like I'd take my date out to dinner." he said.

He reached for my hand and held it until our dinner arrived. We ate, we laughed, we chatted with the staff. It was comfortable and familiar, easy and fun. He handed me the keys to the new car, said I could drive it home. I was reminded of the time he let me drive the Rocket for the first time. He told me then, "What's mine will eventually be yours, better get used to it. Drive it like you own it."

Last night was a mixture of the past, and the future mixing and mimicing each other. The past themes repeated in the future. Hope mixed with longing and memories. I'm not quiet ready to let go of the past, but I'm reaching for the future I see stretched out before us. I see him waiting there for me, to walk life's winding road, side by side. I know we will get there, a step at a time.

Horoscopes...again

The universe thinks you're on the right track, and it's sending you little encouragements to keep your spirits up. You're frustrated because you want a bigger sign. But just keep the faith and hold on. It's coming.

There’s my horoscope for today. The universe thinks I’m on the right track, and believe you me, there have been a plethora of encouragements keeping my spirits up and hopes alive. But yeah, I do want BIGGER signs, Sure things. I don’t want “I’ll make it worth your while.” I want, “We’ll try again.”

Hold on, keep the faith, it’s coming…..Patience is a virtue, but it’s never been one of mine. I have none, and when it comes to Batman, I have even less. I want him, and I want him now! *Stomping my feet, holding my breath*

I know, though, when we have the rest of our lives, what’s a little while longer? What’s a day, or 2, a week or 2 or even a month or 2?

I’ll tell you what it is………..Forever.

5 pounds? No problem

With these trays of goodies sitting right on the ledge of my cubicle, the 5 pounds should be well within my reach...this week alone.

5 Pounds, 5 Pounds, My Man back for 5 Pounds

I had a real, official date last night. Even according to him, it was a real, official date. He took me out to dinner. He took the kids home early b/c Princess was sick and wanted Mommy. He called me and asked if I wanted to come down. Well, he made me an offer I just couldn’t refuse.

When I got there, he took me out to dinner, at this wonderful little place that is a converted church. We were talking about a wedding of some friends that will take place next summer. I told him, “I would still love to do the bridal shoot for A, even though you and I aren’t dating and I probably won’t make the wedding.”
“Well, you know, this constitutes a date. And I’m pretty sure, you’ll make C and A’s wedding this summer.”

Hmmmm….

Lying in bed last night, we started talking about my weight. I think it had something to do with the fact that I barely ate anything at dinner. He told me, “You know, you really do need to start eating more. I’d like to see you gain about 5 pounds. At least.”
Why?
You and I both know 115 isn't a healthy weight for you.
Ok, but what happens if I don't?
I'll cut you off.
You'll end up cutting yourself off too, so that's not going to work.
I could make you wait another 3 weeks....
You'll wait 3 weeks with me. So what do I get if I gain 5 pounds?
H*** P**** (edited)
I get that now, at 115.
OK, more h*** p****.
How much more?
I'll make it all worth your while....
Uh, huh, worth my while?
Gain 5 pounds and I'll make it worth your while.....
Like long term worth my while?
I'll make it worth your while.

Ok, while I don’t know exactly what ‘worth your while’ means, but I have my suspicions. I know that gaining the extra 5 pounds should be for myself, and not for him, but anyone who knows me, really knows me, knows, I won’t gain the 5 pounds on my own.

5 pounds, 5 pounds, the love of my life, for 5 pounds. Bring on the cookies!

Fresh Starts, shedding the past, reaching for the future

Yesterday was rough, and for the first time, the tears that plagued my day weren't because of Batman. They were tears of sadness, tears of anger, tears of relief, the whole gaumet of emotions. But they are dried up and gone today. After all, it's a whole new day.

For the most part now, the fights in my life, the battles I faced, are over. It's just a matter of signing peace treaties now, and cleaning up the mess. I have finally cut my way free of the tenticles that clung to my life from my past. My life, is now, my life. The Slug and C1 can no longer control or manipulate my life. It is time to let go of the past, look to the future and start planning my new life.

I started yesterday. I started cleaning out my apartment. Throwing away dead weight, reminders of past baggage that I no longer need. I threw away 15 empty Captain Morgan bottles, left over from the young Knucklehead. I threw away an empty Mich Ultra beer bottle from the other Knucklehead. I even threw away an empty Jack Daniels bottle and a Black Label whiskey bottle from Boo. (God, I sound like a lush, and aparently, all my reminders of the men in my past was wrapped up in alcohol.) Anyway, they all went to the dumpster. Gone.

I have put all the momentos of my past in boxes, at least the important ones. The ticket from Daytona, the brochures from Hard Rock Cafe, Universal Boardwalk, Pat O'Brien's, the Mardi Gras beads. I have taken all reminders of all the men in my life and put them away. I no longer need them. I don't want to forget the memories and the things we did, or the places we went, but I don't need to cling to them, nor do I need to see them every day. They are my past, they are not a part of my future. I thought I loved them once, I was wrong. I cared about them deeply, but it wasn't love. My love, my life, is B.

I am cutting lose all the ties that have bound me to the past, achored me in pain, hurt, sadness, and have held me back from reaching for true love, and true happiness, and all that I can be. I am once again, shedding more layers of myself, saying goodbye to the person I was, and reaching towards the person I want to become. I am letting go of old hurts, past anger, pain, resentments, grudges. I am forgiving them, and myself, and I am moving on. I am not going to forget the past, or the lessons learned. I just will not allow it to hold me down, or hold me back, or control me any more.

I have a new life ahead of me. Free from the past, a new life that is mine. A chance to start fresh, and do it right. I want that more than anything. I can't wait to move to our new home, our new life, and start over. Sure it's scary and uncertain, but I know the girls and I can do it and we will love it. 6 months from now. Just 6 months.

Mixed Emotions

In the past 24 hours, Bo's father C1, and I have come to some sort of an agreement in regards to Bo's custody, and living arrangement. I wish I could say that it came about as easily as the girls' did, but that was not the case.

I still believe, (regardless of how often or how loudly he proclaims otherwise) that C1 is doing this, and being the coniving, pretentious, controlling, manipulative asshole he has always been, not because he believes it is in Bo's best interest, but because he is using this as a way to control and punish me.

He yelled, he screamed, the threatened, he blackmailed. He has absolutely no qualms with dragging our son through a very bitter, very ugly, very tramatic custody battle, just to get what he thinks is best for our son. I happen to love Bo enough to roll over and play dead, and take it up the ass just to prevent him from having to suffer that kind of trauma and drama and emotional battery the court battle would put him through.

C1 was completely unwilling to bend on any given point in the modification and repeatedly threatened me with "If you think this is bad and unreasonable, you should see what I could have and should have asked for. I would have stripped you of every single right in regards to my son. You would have had nothing. I'm throwing you a bone by allowing you to continue to see him and have visitation."

Excuse the fuck out of me? Your son? I was there at the hospital when that child took his first breath and yeah, I don't remember it being your belly that was laying sliced open on that operating table. I don't remember you being the one to carry that baby around for 10 months. And I sure as hell don't remember you changing all that many diapers or feeding him all that many meals. So, don't go down that road, asshole, he's not just your son. I brought him into this world. Fuck you.

And really, you're doing me a huge ass favor by allowing me to continue to see him? Let me tell you, unless you can prove that I am completely unfit (and there is no fucking way in Hell you can) you can't keep me from seeing him.

Let me tell you want I have allowed you to do. I have allowed you to brainwash him so that he can no longer think for himself. He follows your lead, and does exactly what he thinks you want him to do. I have allowed you to teach him it is ok to sit around on your fat lazy ass all day doing nothing more productive than playing worthless mind numbing video games. (and believe me I remember the days of our marriage when it was just too much fucking trouble for you to turn the video games off, get up off your lazy ass, and take a shower, for days on end!!! You were a filthy nasty pig. And now, Bo seems to think it's ok to go DAYS without a shower or brushing his teeth or his hair. UGH!) And now it seems I have allowed you one more time to bend me over and fuck me (and it's still all about you, and it still sucks for me, but it's nice to know nothing has changed since we were married) and you get your way. The only (and I stress ONLY) reason this is going through without a fight, is because I believe Bo is in such a bad place emotionally and mentally I don't want to cause more damage to him, by dragging him through a bitter, ugly nasty court battle. But believe me, If it were just you and me, I would fight you tooth and nail on every single point, to the fucking letter, and I would win, I don't give a flying fuck how long it would take.

So, where does the mixed emotions come into play? Yeah, well, there is guilt that I didn't fight harder for my son. That I in effect just rolled over and agreed to give sole legal custody of him to his father. There is also guilt in the realization that in doing that I feel a sense of relief that things at my house will be less stressful, that everyone involved will be happier. There is also relief that even though I didn't get exactly what I wanted, this albatross that has been hanging around my neck for the past month has finally been cut free and I no longer have to carry the weight of this issue around with me anymore.

I just found that when face to face with this battle, it was going to bigger, uglier, nastier and longer than I was willing to put my son through, and therefore, I chose not to pick up the sword. A part of me feels defeated, a part of me feels victorious, b/c I loved my son enough to set aside my own wants and needs and did what I thought was best for him, and that was to avoid the emotional mess a court battle would have created for him.

And so, now, it is finished, except for the technical things, like getting a judge to rule on both modifications. Once that has been done, it wil finally be completely over. But for now the fight is over and done. It's just a matter of signing the peace agreement, cleaning up the mess, and going hom.

Christmas Specials

How many of these can you name?

1. "Roast Beast is a feast I can't stand in the least"
2. "Nobody wants a CHARLIE in the Box"
3. "Happy Birthday!"
4. "I am a bank robber! I have come to rob your bank!"
5. "That's TWO! TWO worried Frogs!"
6. "It came without packages, boxes or bags."
7. "Don't forget the chocolate pot roast with smishmashio... With smiminish... With yogurt."
8. "It's not a bad little tree. All it needs is a little love!"
9. "Fog's as thick as peanut butter!"
10. "Santa doesn't leave presents under the bodhi tree!"--"Do you think we can bribe her back with Christmas?"-- "You can save more souls with roller skates and Easy Bake Ovens than you can with this 2000 page sleeping pill!"
11. "We evil magicians have to make a living too!"
12. "I heard there is no Christmas. In the silly Middle East. No trees, no snow, no Santa Claus. They have different religious beliefs..."
13. "Me I want a Hula Hoop!"
14. "Every Christmas it's all the same! I always end up playing a shepherd."
15. "Haven't I ever told you anything about Bumbles? BUMBLES Bounce!"
16. "Christmas. It's not the getting. It's not giving. It's the loving. There. I said it. Now get outta here!"

I have the answers, so don't worry, but this really isn't that hard....

For Now

Today my mind is full of him, and memories of the time we shared last night. If my feet have touched the ground today, I don’t know it, my head has been in the clouds.

I remember the feel of him, the taste of him. The energy that sizzled between us last night, trying to keep it in check until we could ‘gracefully’ be excused to run upstairs to his room. Trying to walk calmly up those stairs like adults without a care in the world, when inside we were dying from anticipation like kids on Christmas morning.

Regardless of what label we use to define our relationship, there is no denying the connection and chemistry we share. I adore him. Not the idea of him, not the hope of him, the reality of him. The way his voice in my ear, over the phone, can still touch my very core, and light a burning fire in me. The way I ache to hear his voice, feel his touch, taste his lips, his body. I love the feel of his hands on my body. I love the way he knows exactly where and how to touch. I love that he knows me so well, he knows exactly what I need before I do. He anticipates my needs, my wants, my desires and gives them without hesitation. I love seeing his pleasure at watching me enjoy him. I love that we feed off of each other. I love giving myself to him, I love the way he takes me.

Laying on the bed last night, watching television, he laid down behind me, so comfortable and familiar. Home again. But like they say, you can’t really ever go home again, and this was no exception. It was different, but still familiar and comfortable. His arms reached around me and pulled me close. My body responded to his touch with thought, without hesitation. ‘It’s really good to see you again’ he said to me. “Yeah, I’ve missed you too.” I thought. I reached for him, he kissed me, I felt like I was sinking and floating at the same time. His mouth on mine, his lips soft and tender at first, our bodies responded and took over, thoughts ceased. All that mattered was being with him.

I lay beside him last night, listening to him breathe as he slept. I reached out and touched him, and even in his sleep, he snuggled in closer to me. I wrapped my arms around him and held him close to me, breathing in the scent of him. I almost lost this. Not just the man who is both friend and lover to me, but all that he gives to me, just because he is.

I don’t know what tomorrow brings for us. I am sure there will be more nights like last night, at least I hope there will. It is enough for now.

Just a note

Ok, I think I made it 'round to everyone in the past day or 2 and left a comment or more on your blogs. Again, if you can't leave a comment here, I'm sorry. I hope Blogger gets it's shit together soon.

Tonight I am going 'home' again for the night. I'm going to spend the night at Batman's house. He's getting his Christmas present tonight, and well, I'm getting a little something too. *grinning* *Wink wink*. Christmas is a time for miracles, and well, I seem to be getting them in abundance this year. Thank Jiminy because I'm broke and I'm getting nothing else for Christmas. This one, I'll take, any day, every day, as often as I can.

Have a good night everyone, I'll be here in the morning.

Hallmark Sucks

I went to Halmark today at lunch, trying to find a Christmas Card to put with B's gift (he's getting it tonight BTW). You know, Hallmark has a card for almost every single occassion, reason, person, with one glaring exception.

They don't have a card that says "I fell in love with you 4 months ago, and I believe that we are meant to be together till death us do part. Except that I let my demons from my past cloud my judgement and feed my insecurities and I made a HUGE mistake. I thought I had lost you forever, but I haven't lost you completely. I'm glad we're friends and who knows what will happen someday down the road."

They have wonderful romantic, and sappy, and sweet and disgusting cards for husbands, and for lovers. They have funny, platonic, stupid cards for friends. What they don't have is a card somewhere in the middle. They don't make a card for me to give him. The one where I love him still and believe we'll work this out somehow, even though he's not so sure right now.

They really need to work on that.

An apology of sorts

To all my readers out there who have been unable to leave comments on my blog since I have switched over to Blooger Beta, please let me take a moment to say

I am truly sorry.

I didn't realize that making the switch would cause so many people difficulties and problems. I was beginning to wonder why the love had stopped, because I was getting fewer and fewer comments. I realize now that I still have visitors, I just have a stupid blog format that won't allow them to share the love.

How was I to know that making a switch that was more user friendly for me (b/c I use gmail as my email address) would be such a pain in the ass for all my friends? I know it sounds selfish, and for that I am sorry. The decision to switch truly wasn't a selfish one.

I hope blogger gets this mess fixed soon! I miss my peeps!

Cookie Day!!!!

Every year, my mother, my sister and I and all of our kids get together to have a Cookie day. We spend as much of the day as we can possibly stand making as many different kinds of Christmas cookies as possible. This is the day the rules get thrown out the window. Want a cookie for breakfast? Fine, have 2. Whatever the kids want, they get. They help make the cookies, measuring, mixing, shaping, decorating, tasting the dough, watching the timer, staying out of the way. We not only make cookies, we make memories they will treasure.

Got all the tools of the trade out on the counter, waiting to measure, to stir, to shape, to bake, to decorate, and to start all over again.



Messes will be the norm, make a batch of cookies, make a mess, bake the cookies, clean up the mess, and start all over again, on the next batch of cookies.

Sugar, flour, eggs, butter, peanut butter, walnuts, chocolate chips, Snickers™ candy bars, everything we need to make enough cookies to make even Santa sick.

The Chefs:

Take the time to teach Bo how to read a recipe, how to measure flour, sugar. Spend time making cookies, and memories.

With every spoon of flour added, is also a dash, a pinch a sprinkle of love.



Apparently there was just enough ‘love’ added to that dough to make the three of them work together to shape the cookies.

Chocolate Crinkles

Chocolate chip/toffee cookies

Lined up like soldiers, marching off to be baked.

Sugar cookies, decorated with holiday sprinkles, waiting to bring smiles to the little ones waiting for mom to say “Cookies are done!”

At the end of the day, we have more cookies than we can possibly eat, but it's the holidays. The mom's are exhausted, the kids are bouncing on sugar highs. The messes are cleaned up, the dishes all washed, the flour, the sugar, the eggs and butter all put away. There will be a wide assortment of cookies for days to come. There will be memories to last a lifetime.

I got part of my Christmas

Batman and I have been exchanging emails this afternoon, talking about when we can get together, and who has kids when, and schedules (yes, I know, terribly romantic, but hey, we're both single parents, we have to juggle).

I mentioned to him, "It's a fairly sure bet I won't be getting the earrings I wanted from you for Christmas this year, huh?" (Notice, I said this year? That leaves it open to the possibility I'll get them next year. Yeah, right) So, I have something I would like from you, that won't kill you, won't break the bank and it would mean so much to me.

This past summer, we took a photography road trip. I had this need to shoot some pictures, and asked him to take me somewhere so that I could. On the road trip, he shared with me the perfect place he wanted to take me someday to shoot pictures. We never made it there. Cold weather, kids, life got in the way. So I told him, "You promised me that you would take me to St. Charles some day, so that I could take pictures. I still want to have that day with you, just wandering around, taking pictures, hanging out. I know it will have to wait till spring, and that's ok, I can wait. But I want that day with you, and I want those pictures, but I want them with you."
"Deal, I promise."
"Oh, and if you felt the need to throw in dinner, and maybe a whole night filled with some incredible.." (Well, you get the idea, I won't get graphic or gross), "then who am I to say no to that?"
"You may need to twist my arm, but I think we can arrange that."

So, I'm not getting my earrings this year for Christmas, but I am getting something that will mean a whole lot more to me. I am getting a day with him, full of memories, a day to share my passion with him (a passion that he fully understands). I'm getting pictures, a day, memories, time. I'm getting my heart and soul fed. I'm getting B. (at least for a little while)

I can't wait till Spring.

Dear Santa, part duex

Dear Santa,

All I want for Christmas this year, is a second chance with him. I promise to be very, very good.

Love,
Me

Today, I have counted out brochures into bundles of 100. I have shredded confidential, out of date papers, I have folded newsletters, stuffed envelopes, and slapped mailing labels on them.

My vast knowledge is going vastly under used.

That is all.

Christmas Slide Show

News and Tidbits

I am sorry about the silence and lack of posts today, I started a new job today, and it kept me pretty busy. (That and I wasn't even able to get on-line till almost noon!)

So, tomorrow will be a better day.

I do need to make a correction. The 2nd Annual Blog Cookie Exchange will still be held on the 13th, but as Maven pointed out to me, that is Wednesday this week and not Friday! So, I'm hoping all of you checked your calendars and realized I was having a total and complete blonde moment. I will be participating, with lots of pictures from our very own, real life cookie day at my mother's house this weekend.

I promise to make it 'round to all my friends' places this week and drop in to Say Hey to everyone. I have been pretty negligent in that area as of late, and I'm sorry.

And for those of you who chat with me on Yahoo, (and you know who you are) I don't have access to that from here, so if you email me, I'll give you some new contact information!

Holiday Pictures

These are a few of the pictures taken this weekend that WON'T be going out in the Christmas cards this year.

Sorry, this is a crappy post. There will be a better post later... I promise

More Christmas Miracles

When I went to the lawyer's office the other day to draw up the final papers for our modification, I was hit with some serious filing fees that needed to be paid. I had the money to pay them, but I had to rob Santa to do it. A sizable portion of the $$ I had set aside to provide Christmas for my kids, well, went to the lawyer. So, I was struggling with how to pay for Ho Ho's visit this year. I mean after all you can't tell a 7 year old that you had to steal from Santa in order to take her father out of her life. That just really ruins the whole holiday.

So, I had been stressing about it, a little, but not too much. I figured, so far everything has worked out for me, this would too. Even if it meant I would get the money on Christmas Eve and I would do my shopping then, at least it would be done.

Today, we went to my mother's to make Christmas cookies (yes, pictures will follow....tomorrow) and my father called. He needed to talk to the kids about what they wanted for Christmas this year, as he and his wife were on their way to go shopping. But he stopped to ask me first, "So, we were wondering, is there something special you would like for Christmas this year, or would you just like for us to send you some money to help pay for the kids Christmas presents this year? And would you like that in a check or on a gift card?" All I could do was cry. There it was, the answer to my prayers, the solution to my problem.

And there, my friends, is yet another miracle for me this year. Apparently, the faith the size of a mustard seed is still enough to move mountains. I, of course, jumped on the gift card so that I could shop for my babies, and there will be presents under the tree this year for them.

We interrupt this blog for the following announcement

The kids will be home this weekend, and we will be making Christmas cookies, and Christmas cards and doing all that fun stuff we do on our weekends together (laundry, library, cleaning our rooms, homework, fighting, you know, the usual) so the blog posts will be sparce this weekend. I have left several new posts in the past few days for your reading enjoyment.

Please feel free to leave comments, send emails, say Hello, enjoy the celebration. I will check in periodically this weekend, and post pictures of the cookie adventure. I'll be around, just not all day, every day.

We now return you to your regularly scheduled blogging.

The Art of Seduction

In a IM conversation with a friend of mine yesterday about my relationship with B, he suggested I read The Art of Seduction. So, I went to a bookstore here in town, to see if they had a copy.

OMG! The back cover alone lists the following steps to take in the art of seduction.

• Choose the right victim
• Create a false sense of security-approach indirectly
• Send mixed signals
• Appear to be an object of desire
• Create a need – stir anxiety and discontent
• Master the art of insinuation
• Enter their spirit
• Create temptation
• Keep them in suspense
• Use the demonic power of words to sow confusion
• Pay attention to detail
• Poeticize your presence
• Disarm through strategic weakness and vulnerability
• Confuse desire and reality, create the perfect illusion
• Isolate the victim
• Prove yourself
• Effect a regression
• Stir up the transgressive and taboo
• Use spiritual lures
• Mix pleasure with pain
• Give them space to fall – the pursuer is pursued
• Use physical lures
• Master the art of the Bold Move
• Beware the after-effects

I don't want a victim, I don't want B back under false pretenses or lies, or games, or strategic weakness or illusions (perfect or not). I want B back, because we both realize we love each other and want to try again. This just sounds cruel, and deceitful, and wrong.

Christmas Wishes

This summer, B and I were watching tennis. We were watching Maria Sharapova play, and I, of course being the girl that I am, noticed her earrings. Threader earrings with either diamonds or pearls at the end. I fell in love. So, of course, I mentioned to B, I would love a pair of them. "Well, maybe if you're good, Santa will bring them this Christmas."

That afternoon, we went to his favorite jewlry store on-line, and I found a pair I loved. (yes, see above) I bookmarked them, I showed him, I told him they were even on sale.

Yeah, I don't think I'll be getting them for Christmas this year. But a girl can dream.....

The Details

Ok, it has been a whirlwind of emotions. I have exactly what it is that I wanted in regards to the girls. And it happened without the fight I expected. Wow. Who can really wrap their heads around that?

We met, wrote up the agreed upon parenting plan, and he signed off on it. My attorney will file the papers with the court on Monday; we will get a court date. We will have to appear before a judge and testify that we agree to everything set forth in the parenting plan.

So, what did we agree to?

• The parties agree that mother shall be allowed to relocate the residence of the minor children to Lincoln County after the end of the 2006-2007 school year.


• Mother shall have sole legal custody of the minor children. Mother will make all decisions regarding the children with the exception that mother shall include father in the decision making authority with respect to any life threatening issues that may arise regarding the children.


• Mother and father will have joint physical custody of the minor children. Mother’s residence address will be the designated children’s address for mailing and educational purposes. The children will reside with the mother, with temporary custody/visitation with father as follows: Every other weekend beginning at 7:00 PM on Friday, through 7:00 PM on Sunday.

There are of course the normal provisions for child support, and tax exemption deduction yada, yada, yada. But none of that has changed significantly. The above points were the big ones, and the ones that I wanted more than anything.

It’s done, almost. The end is in sight. He’s agreed, and the papers will be filed. The girls will be mine.

So, what at first seemed so daunting and impossible and overwhelming boiled down to 2 hours in my lawyer’s office today. B once asked me, “Every time you’ve been to court with him, have you not gotten exactly what you wanted?” Every time I’ve been to court with him, I have walked out of there with exactly what I wanted. This was to be no different. I just didn’t believe it would be this simple. Although I really shouldn’t be at all surprised. Once the plan was made, every single step I took seemed to fall effortlessly into place. Everything worked out, every thing lined up; every thing fell into place just as it should.

I know, as well as I know B is my soul mate, this was the right thing to do, it was meant to be. Every obstacle I saw looming on the horizon seemed to virtually vanish when I came face to face with it.

• I got the restraining order, hands down, no problem


• I needed $$ to hire an attorney, and fast.


• Mom and dad gifted the van over to me, and I used it as collateral on a loan from the bank.


• Needed a lawyer, but every lawyer I talked to said it was highly unlikely we would win, and they wanted a huge retainer.


• Until I found this attorney. Her retainer was virtually half of everyone else’s and she offered hope that we could win this battle, but it would be hard. The good news was, she was willing to fight. She believed in what I was doing.


• My lease on my apartment ran out. Time to renew, but we had no idea how long this battle would take and how long I would be here, if I could even move.


• I was given the option to sign a month to month lease, so every month; we renew it for another month. That way, when it comes time to move, I’m out, free and clear.

Every step I needed to take on this journey, a higher power cleared the path. And now, what loomed before me a marathon, turned out to be short sprint to the finish line. My biggest fear, my biggest concern, is over. There is great relief.

Now, on to the next plan. And that my friends, is, in the next 6 months, I have to find a job that will support us all, and I have to find an apartment I can afford on the salary I’ll be making at the new job I’ll be getting. Then I need to start packing up, and planning on moving. But believe me, I’ve moved often enough in my life, this is the easy part of the plan.

Now, I need to figure out Christmas (I had to spend a big portion of the kids Christmas funds on filing fees I didn’t know about….) but somehow that seems manageable. Look what I’ve been through in the past month, and it worked out just fine in the end.

The Party will be here tomorrow.

I got everything I wanted today! I am going to go home and enjoy the sweet taste of victory. I will be here tomorrow to carry on with the party.

So, somebody get some damn margarittas, and some chips and salsa and let's party!

It is finished, and I am free

We sat down today, in my attorney's office, and drew up a new joint parenting plan. We sat there today, on the battle field, and shook hands and came to an agreement. The dragon that had loomed so large and forboding on the horizon of my life for so long, stood before me today, with an olive branch of peace, wanting to find a resolution.

We drew up the new parenting plan today, granting me full legal custody of the girls. I will now be allowed to make all decisions in regards to them, without having to run anything by him at all. I will be allowed to relocate at the end of the school year, and enroll them in school, daycare, and any other activities they so desire.

He gracefully bowed out of their lives and mine. Not completely, but in all things that matter. He has relinquished all responsibility for the girls. They are now mine. He has visitation and he still pays child support, but we are free now to live our lives where I want to. He no longer has power over me.

10 years, 2 children, numerous second chances, 5 restraining orders, and it all boils down to 2 hours in my lawyer's office. I was given everything I wanted today. I was given my life back. I am free now. Free of him.

There will never be anther phone call telling me to get my ass home because I don't need to be where ever it is I am. There will never again, be a fight because the girls want to join Girl Scouts or choir. There will never again, be any dispute about the girls. Because today, they are mine.

I am free now. I have finally freed myself from the tenticles of my past. He no longer has power or control over my life. There will be no more drama, no more threats, no more anything. I am free.

B knows. I called him, I told him. He said "It's over. Not the way we envisioned it, but better. It's over. I'm really proud of you for doing this. I'm glad you did this, and saw it through, and got what you wanted."

I got what I wanted, in part. Now that I have my life back and I have my girls, all I want now, is another chance with B. And if this miracle can happen, then there is hope for that one too.

A Letter to The Slug

I gave you 10 years of my life, 2 daughters and more second chances than any one person deserves.  I gave up my friends, I gave up my self worth, my self esteem, I gave away my power to you.  None of it mattered. It was never enough.  In return, you gave me insecurities, demons that still haunt me, and a life that is too messy for anyone else to get involved with.

You have taken from me, my happiness, my sense of security, you have effected life in ways too numerous to count.  You have taken my one chance of happiness and true love away from me.  Because you felt the need to prove to me and to him, that you could still call the shot, you could still make me jump, and you still controlled me, we are here today.

You made my life miserable for so long, that I no longer realized you were doing it.  I became so accustomed to your power and control and influence in my life, I no longer saw how devastating it was. When Batman finally pointed it out to me, and I finally saw my life, and your power, through his eyes, I knew things had to change.

Batman, (or anyone for that matter) wouldn’t, no, couldn’t be a part of my life with you still influencing it too.  You caused too much drama and stress and it was more than anyone should have to contend with.  

You’re need to always be right and always be in control, in effect destroyed my chance at happiness and cost me the love of my life. I am praying to whoever is out there listening to day, that when you sign the papers today, and in effect give me the life I should have been granted 2 years ago, you will also be giving me another chance to make things right with Batman.

Now that this issue is resolved, and we’ve reached the agreement and outcome I wanted, and you have agreed to bow out of my life, now, I can go to him and offer him a life free of drama, and free of stress and free of you.  

I have found a way to untangle myself and my children from the tentacles you had buried deep in my life.  I have finally claimed my entire life as my own.  After today, you will no longer have any power in my life or our daughters’ lives.  Finally.  I will be free.

And I will wait patiently for Batman to see that, and together I hope that we can find a way back to each other, and I pray we get a second chance at the love and happiness I know we were meant to have.

Clarity

Have you all seen the new Energizer Battery commercial, when the spaceship can’t take off due to a supposed dead battery?  The aliens connect jumper cables to the bunny’s ears, and viola, take off!

Ever notice at the bottom it says “Dramatization” ?

Uh, yeah, thanks for clearing that up for me.

Where's the logic?

80 degrees is always 80 degrees.  Same with 32, same with 45, same with 2 or 14, right?  Those are finite, measurable things that can not be changed.  They are facts, true and uncontestable.

So, why is it that yesterday, when the temperature was 45 degrees outside, I was walking around without a coat on and was warm and comfortable?  Why is it that 45 degrees feels almost balmy after a high of 2 degrees, and almost artic after a high of 80 degrees?  It’s the same damn temperature!

2nd Annual Blog Cookie Exchange

Ok, guys!  I found this link today on Maven’s blog, and thought I would join in as well, and invite all my friends to join me!  Sounds like a great way to meet new people and share some holiday joy and traditions.

It is the 2nd Annual Blog Cookie Exchange Posting Day!  This is better than a cookie exchange IRL because a) you don’t have to actually bake any cookies (No calories!) and b) you don’t have to clean your house, or make a baking mess, c) you can do it all in your pj’s if you want to.  Nobody’s gonna care!  

So, on December 13th, (yes, next Friday) post your
Favorite holiday recipes
Special Holiday Traditions
Favorite gift to give
What you wear when you don your gay apparel.
Or anything else you’d like to share about your holidays.

Once you post your contribution to the Cookie Exchange, go here and leave a comment with your URL, and everyone will come to your party as well.  What a great way to meet a whole bunch of new people, share some holiday traditions, stories, memories, laughs, and just have a great time.  You won’t gain any weight, you won’t need a designated driver, and you don’t have to dress for the occasion.

Hope you all will join me!  (Now, I just have to make sure I remember to do this!)

Why Toys are better than men

I got a phone call last night that inspired this list. There is a ‘Knucklehead’ out there who I am sure, can guess who instigated the phone call, and this list, and then was too ‘shy’ to post it to their blog. Lucky for you all, I’m not that shy at all…..

Why ‘Toys’ are better than Men…..

• Toys always know exactly what to do, what buttons to push and they do it right every single time.


• There are never any surprises, you always know exactly what you’re going to get.


• They don’t have any hang ups, anything goes.


• They never ask ‘Was it good for you?’


• You can hide them so they will never embarrass you in front of your parents


• They are always there when you want them


• They never have a headache.


• They don’t care if the game is on or not.


• They don’t burp or fart or emit other bodily functions


• They don’t take all the covers


• They don’t make you sleep in the wet spot


• They are always ready and willing and able, no matter how often.


• They don’t need any time to recuperate


• They don’t quit until you get your cookies


• They never get tired


• They never stop in the middle and yell. My turn!


• They don’t care if you bring another man home


• They don’t expect you to reciprocate


• They understand it’s all about you


• Batteries are cheaper than dinner and drinks.

I will admit that this list was inspired by someone who stood at Wal-Mart last night buying a some-assembly-required GI Joe SUV that required 9 batteries….or so she said.

Deep breath,

I had the following conversation with Batman this afternoon.

B: you there
beckyhd35: Hi, yeah, I am. what's up?
B: have some bad news
beckyhd35: ok, spill
B: I have a friends dad that is dying and wants me to be there thursday and friday
B: they just put him in ICU today and he isn't going to make the night
beckyhd35: ok
beckyhd35: so you won't be here tomorrow night
B: I will not I hope you understand. I was requested by the family to be there so what are you going to do
beckyhd35: I do. It's fine. Now, you're not just bailing b/c you don't want to do this right?
B: nope, I wil be at the hosiptal or my friends house thursday and friday
beckyhd35: next week?
B: yea next week
B: I just found out about this early today just been so damn busy with just me here haven't had the time to tell you until now
beckyhd35: It's ok...

So, our 'date' got cancelled, well, postponed. For a week. I just keep telling myself, deep breaths, he said he'd see me next week. He just told me he'd call tonight, so, it's just being put off a week. Deep breaths. Don't freak out, don't jump to conclusions. Accept this with grace, and don't push...and maybe the pay off will be so much better than I could hope.

Deep breath...deep breath.

Holiday Madness

If you want a great Christmas decorating contest story, you have to go check out Beauty and the Beer.  She is in AZ, and it just cracks me the hell up to read about her adventures in decorating her yard.  All this for a $50 gift certificate.

So if you need some help getting into the holiday spirit, go check out Beauty’s yard. You will laugh, you will cry, you will shake you head, and completely understand.

Happy Holidays!

Wrong, in every sense of the word

This is Sophia Hyatt, (whoever she is) and frankly, nobody is talking about her, really. It's all that lace she has glued to her body, in a sad sad attempt to make a dress (I think). This is just wrong in every sense of theword. Thank God Britney wasn't wearing it.. there would be some very strategic placed material missing, and that's more Britney than the world needs. 

Careful what you wish for....

Tomorrow I have an appointment to meet with The Slug and my lawyer to draw up the final papers for the modification, with all the agreed upon points in there. She will take the papers and file them with the court and we'll see where it goes from there.

But now that we have reached an agreement, and this is all going to be over soon, and we've both agreed that we don't want to fight anymore, he now seems to think we're going to be best friends. And that is almost as bad as when we were fighting. He now finds a reason to call me every day, sometimes it's about the girls, today it was because he heard there was a traffic jam on the highway and wanted to know if I was sitting in traffic. Christ. I don't want to be his best friend. I will be nice to him, I will be civil to him all for the sake of the girls, but Damnit I will not be his best friend. I will not share every asspect of my life with him. Just the girls. I divorced him, I'm moving AWAY from him. He just doesn't understand boundaries. ARG! But, don't want to piss him off just yet, not until the papers are signed...

My life seems to be a rollercoaster of emotions. Up and down, with the unexpected conclusion of the modification. The up and down of where things stand with B. We're talking again, and I can't begin to tell you how awesome I think that is. He's coming up here tomorrow night, after work, and that's kind of cool too. I just have to remember things have changed, and we will never get back what we had. But there's nothing that says we can't have something better than before. That's jumping the gun. Just relax, ride this out, and let the universe lead us down the path it has laid out before us.

I think I'm just tired of thinking about everything, over thinking every thing. That, and I'm bored to tears today.

Dear Santa

Dear Santa,

I know, it’s been a long time since I wrote you a letter. I have been busy, and I’m sorry. I’ll try to do better in the future.  I know that this is an incredibly busy time of year for you, so I won’t waste time with small talk. I’ll get right down to business.

For Christmas this year, I would like:

Batman (the LeMay Ferry kind, not the superhero kind)

Tickets to someplace warm.  The Bahamas for the Super Bowl would be ok, or Daytona for the 500 would be great too.

A great job with great pay and benefits, about 2 hours down I-70 from here.  I don’t need it right away; 6 months from now would be just fine.

A great apartment in that same general area too.  If I’m gonna work there, I had better live there.

Johnny Depp and/or Orlando Bloom.  If they are unavailable, (and rumor has it they are) then the new Pirates movie will be fine.

For Tennessee Becky, please bring her a homework GI, who will stand guard over her son and help the whole homework process along quickly and easily.  Also, if you could send someone her way to just ease the loneliness.  He doesn’t have to be a knight in shining armor, as she doesn’t seem to be the kind who needs to be rescued, but she could use a special friend, one who’s available to her. Just make him nice, and easy to talk to, fun to laugh with, and great with the kids.  Ease some of the emptiness and loneliness she feels.

For Syd, well, I’m not sure you’d be allowed into Syd’s place to leave her anything, and I’m pretty sure, she’s more than capable of getting whatever it is she wants.  Maybe if you left her some beer, or whiskey, or maybe a new gun, it would all be good.  Of course, if you get the wrong brands, well there could be trouble.  But I figure, since you’re smart enough to know who’s naughty and who’s nice, you know what to bring Syd.

Junebugg would surly love some snow so she can make her own snow-cream.  But PLEASE don’t dump a whole load of snow on her hometown.  Just leave her a nice bucket of it in her freezer.  I’m sure you can bring some of that magical super sweet North Pole snow with you.  That should make for some extra special snow-cream for Junebugg.

Oh, and could you please, please, please bring Britney some damn underware?  It seems that in her hurry to leave K-Fed (soon to be known as Fed-Ex) she forgot to take her panties with her.  

Please help Katie Holmes Cruise remember where she put her backbone and her brain.  There was once a time she was capable of thinking for herself, and standing up for herself.  Now, she just slouches and let’s that half-wit pseudo actor she’s now married to lead that dog and pony show.

I would ask you to bring my sister something, but it seems that she has already gotten her Christmas wish.  Now if I could just figure out a way to get her Mr. Richie (the Kid kind, not the Lionel kind) under my mother’s Christmas tree without crushing all the other presents and without offending her husband.  Maybe you could help me with that.

I think that just about covers it.  I am sure you will have your fill of milk and cookies on Christmas Eve.  I’m sure I can leave you some chips/salsa and a Margarita.  Thanks Santa.

Love,
Becky

And the hits just keep on comin'

In a good way, though, in a very good way.

The Slug and I will go in Thursday and meet with my lawyer to draw up the final papers for the modification. It's not over yet, but an agreement has been reached. My attorney will have to file them with the court and we'll go from there.

B called yesterday, he was getting the windows on the Lincoln tinted. We talked about Has the Slug changed his mind (no) have I talked to my lawyer (Yes) and we flirted...a lot. It was fun, it was nice. And then, we made a date to get together later this week, either Wednesday or Thursday (probably Thursday).

A week ago, he wasn't talking to me at all, this week, we'll get together and hang out for a while. We are somehow connected, I still believe that. I know it, he knows it, and we just can't walk away from each other.

I have a date!

Monday

After a weekend full of surprise, and relief, (and still a whole lot of snow) I am face to face with Monday, and well, I feel Blah, blah blah.

Sometimes I think way too much (ok, a lot of the time, I think way too much) and that happens to be the case now. I am on the verge of getting what I want. The Slug continues to agree to allow me to have the life I want, free from his power and control and influence. He continues to agree to allow me legal custody of the girls, and the freedom to move this summer without interference from him. He just wants to be able to see his daughters, and I have no problem with that.

So, with that major battle out of the way, I should be happy and relieved. The sad reality is, whenever I think about it, I break down and cry. This was our plan, our hope. Batman and I launched this together. Based on things that happened this summer, B told me "You have to get away from him, from there, or you will never be free to live your life." He offered encouragement, and support. So, I started down that path, towards the goal we had decided on, the goal we both wanted.

I knew the biggest part of this was going to be on me. After all it was my fight, my battle, I had to fight it alone. And when he bowed out, I stayed the course, I continued to follow through, I never backed off, I never wavered, I stuck with the plan.

Now, it seems that the battle is over, before it really began, and well, the victory is mine, in a way. It just seems so hollow, so meaningless, so unimportant because it should have been ours to share and I can't share it with him. I should be so happy about this. My life is mine, and I am on the verge of freedom, everything I've wanted for over 2 years now. So, why does the very thought of this make me cry? Why does it hurt so much?

I called him Saturday to tell him the good news. He told me "I'm really glad for you. This is really good news, as long as he doesn't change his mind."
"I don't think he will change his mind. He wants this all to go away, just like I want him to go away."
"Well, I hope it all works out for you. So, where do you think you're going to move to?"
The only answer I could come up with was "I've got 6 months to figure that out."

The plan was for me to move closer to St. Louis, and closer to him. Not move in with him, but move closer. So, was he asking because he wanted to see if I was still moving there, b/c that's what he wants or was he asking hoping he could maybe change my mind about moving there?

Universal time. It all has to work out in the end, on Universal time, not my time, not his. If it's not ok, it's not the end, Will it ever be ok?

The universe is leading me down a path and I can't see in front of me. I am walking blind, following a path I don't know where it leads. I know that doesn't seem to take me where I want it to, but it's not for me to decide. It has to be MY PATH, not his, but mine.

I miss him today, a lot. I feel empty inside today. I want to call him, I want to talk to him, but I don't know if he will be there for me, and I am afraid to find out he wouldn't. I think that would hurt more than I can handle right now.

Snow Ice Cream

Junebugg, who is a new friend here, has the common sense to live somewhere far away from this Winter Wonder Land I happen to live in. (And by wonder land, I mean, we wonder will we ever get out? And why did we think we really wanted snow?) So, she has made the request twice now, that she be allowed to live vicariously through me. So, Junebugg, because you asked, and because my girls have never had the pleasure, I made snow ice cream for them, and for you. (We have more than enough snow….I should send you some!)

So, since we haven’t had a significant snow since I first moved out of my parent’s home, I have never made snow ice cream, so I first had to find the recipe. (That was a challenge) and then, I had to say a prayer to the kitchen gods, Please let me and the neighbors upstairs have all the ingredients between us so that I don’t have to try and get out to a store and back home again. Turns out the recipe was the bigger challenge.

2 cups milk
2 eggs
1 ½ cup sugar
½ tsp. salt
3 tsp. vanilla
Snow till thick

Beat it all together and add snow until you can’t stir any more.

So, I found a couple of 1 gallon ice cream buckets, give 1 to each of the girls with a large plastic spoon, bundled them up, and sent them outside to fill the buckets with CLEAN fresh, white snow. Snow with no tracks in it, snow from the top…don’t go digging deep for snow, remember, what you put in your bucket, you have to eat. So before you put it in the bucket, ask yourself, would I put this in my mouth? If the answer is NO, don’t put it in the bucket. (yes, I realize I was probably going to have more snow than I needed, but it got them both out from under my feet and gave them an excuse to go outside again)

I got the other stuff together, and started mixing it. Where the hell are they? It’s just snow. Stick my head outside, they’re arguing ‘That’s my snow! Don’t step there, that’s what I was going to put in my bucket.! You’re stepping in my snow!” jumpingelmoeatingcheesecake, Girls! Just get some snow, and let’s go!

Two very cold, snow covered girls come traipsing into my kitchen, (apparently there was some pushing and shoving and falling in the snow on their excursion) dropping snow, hats, gloves, coats, boots and stripping off wet jeans and soggy socks as they go. (at this point Baskin Robbins would have been less hassle, but I’m doing this for the girls and for Junebugg…so I continue).

I of course immediately realize my mistake in thinking I could only make 1 batch of snow ice cream. Tate and Newt both want to make their own, after all they had worked so hard on getting their own snow. I get out a second bowl, and divide the milk/egg/sugar mixture and pray it’s even and tell them, go at it girls, add snow to this until you can’t stir any more. Then let me know, I’ll add some more for you.
Oh, I know it sounds like fun, and it sounds like quite the adventure, and believe me it was an adventure. I had snow everywhere. On the table, the counters, the floor, I was stepping puddles of melted snow, slipping and sliding on the wet linoleum, tripping over the coats, hats, gloves, boots and jeans left all over my kitchen floor.

But in the end, we had 2 glorious bowls of wonderful vanilla snow ice cream. It was fun to watch the girls add the snow and mix it all together, and add more snow, compare it to each others and become ‘experts’ on snow ice cream. “Oh Newt, I think you need to add more snow to yours. It’s still melty.” “Uh, Tate, take care of your own snow ice cream, I’ll make my own. Hey Mom! Is this good enough?” “Hey Mom can we add chocolate syrup to this?”

We got it mixed up to their own specifications, and I just gave them a spoon and let them eat it out of their own bowls. They made it, it should be all theirs. Baskin Robbins it ain’t, and I’m not a huge fan of home made ice cream (snow or no snow) but this wasn’t half bad, because it will be something my girls will remember all of their lives. Their first real significant snowfall, and their first snow ice cream. It was cold, it was wonderful, it was creamy, and it was sweet. Made all the sweeter by the memories we will have of this day for a long time to come.

Junebugg… I saved a bowl just for you!

Tune in next weekend when we put up the tree, and make Christmas cookies at Grandma’s with Lil Sis, Duck and Stealth.

Christmas Miracles

First of all, let me say, the winter storm hit with a vengence. My children finally have a snowfall worthy of playing it. It is too damn bitter cold to play outside, but we have a real snowfall!

I was able to get out yesterday afternoon, but travel was trecherous at best, so we did just the necessities, and went home. Getting out was easy (it's downhill) getting back into our parking lot proved impossible. So we parked on the street and hoofed it up the hill. (and yes Syd, I did make it out today, and I am sitting at McD's again, posting this, catching up on emails, visiting blogs, and just keeping my sanity)

The girls had to stay with me last night, even though it was their night to be with their father. His county road was snow covered and he couldn't get out. He didn't put up a fuss, he was nice, polite even.

So, I figured while I had him on the phone, (and he was being so accomodating and nice) I would ask him about switching 1 night of Christmas holiday schedule so that kids could have Christmas with my father. He readily agreed, without an arguement, with out a cross word, without calling me any names, and without making any demands.

So, today, he called to let me know he could get out, could he come by and pick up the girls. Normally I wouldn't let him near my apartment, but since my vehicle was 'plowed in' (they plowed the snow up around it, and I couldn't get out...yet again) I had no real choice.

He came by to get the girls, he told me, not only where he is employed now, he also told me that as long as I don't garnish his wages, he will start paying me at least $100 every Friday. I agreed to not garnish his wages as long as he continued to pay me. If he misses a week, he will leave me with no choice but to go after his paycheck. Then he asked me about this motion to modify. He said "I understand you want to move closer to St Louis, and I understand why. If you agree to not take the girls completely away from me, then I won't stand in your way. If you will allow me to still see them every other weekend, and if you promise to wait until after school is out, I won't stand in your way."

I was stunned. Shocked. I cried. Everything I've wanted, the fight I was gearing up to fight to get my life back, to have a new life, a fresh start, was being offered to me, without the fight. It's virturally over, before it even starts. We will, of course, have to sit down and have the legal papers drawn up and have a judge sign off on them. But for now, the fight that I thought was going to drag on for 8 months or more, and was going to involve a lawyer for the girls and a psychologist, is now, virtually over.

I am still in shock, so this post really does not do this news any justice. I still can't seem to wrap my head around it. I promise, as soon as I can, I will process this, and write more about it. But for now, this dragon, while hasn't been slain, at least has been tamed, and is no longer a threat to me. It's no longer an issue.

It is the Christmas season, and I now believe in Christmas miracles.

Snow Hell

 

Snow Angels

 

The Winter Storm

The Winter Storm they were predicting Thursday night, hit with a vengeance. It started with sleet, ice and freezing rain, and around 9:00 turned to snow.  And it snowed, and snowed, and snowed.

I woke up at 2:45 Friday morning, and was greeted with thunder and lightening while it snowed.  The only other time I have seen that phenomenon was in ’82, and I woke up to 3 feet of ‘flurries’ on my front porch.  We had snow banks that were over 10 feet tall, and had snow on the ground for 3 months.  Kid you not.

The kids woke up to 14” of fresh fallen snow on the ground.  I woke to hear that I-70 and Hwy 63 were closed. CLOSED.  MoDot had pulled their trucks off the roads and hadn’t cleared anything.  It was snowing too fast (2-3 inches per hour in what they call Thunder Snow) and it was drifting too much they couldn’t keep up or get ahead.  By 5:30AM they were getting back out on the roads.  

I have 12-14 inches on our parking lot, and while my road has been cleared, I can’t get to it.  And it’s COLD.  Temperature right now is 16 degrees with a wind chill of 2.  So, while we finally have a snowfall worthy of playing in, it’s too cold to send the kids out in it.

I am stuck at home today, without internet access and that sucks.  I will venture out tonight or tomorrow and find internet access to check emails and post this to the blog.

I have taken pictures of the new fallen snow, and will get some later of the girls outside in it.   The girls and I are going to sit down and play a game of Monopoly right now, for something better to do.

Snowed in, with the only access to the outside world being television (No cable) radio and my cell phone.  It could be worse…we could be without power too.  At least we have each other. And Monopoly.

Tonight's decathalon

As of right now (2:15 PM CST) the sleet, rain, ice is just started to fall again. It had actually subsided for a few hours earlier, but round 2 (or is it 3) is just getting started. We are watching the weather radar like hawks, and everyone who has reason to be out on the roads is calling with weather/travel updates.

Tonight I will gather the girls, and go home and make a huge pot of chili for dinner. Nothing goes better with snow/ice than hot chili. It will fill the house with comfort food aroma and I will grab blankets and snuggle up on the couch with the girls while dinner simmers.

The girls of course will bitch and moan and whine and complain and gag "I hate chili!" the entire time.

I will be the mean mother that I am, and tell them they can not have peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. No you can not have mac 'n' cheese. No, you're not eating just yogurt for dinner either. Yes, you do have to eat all of it, red beans included.

Of course, when the chili is done simmering, and the bowls have been filled and dished out, the girls will sit down with one final hurrah of complaint "Do I have to eat it all? I hate chili!" and promptly sit there and eat 3 bowls each.

Brats!

Cast of Characters

I have a new audience, actually, I have a growing audience. So, as a courtesy to my new readers, I’ll post this cast of characters so that everyone can be on the same page and know who exactly I’m talking about.

We’ll start at home. Obviously, there’s me. I’m the mom of 3 kids, the sister to a brother and a sister, the daughter of my mom and my dad. I have step parents as well, who are, by all accounts, pretty cool. I have more drama in my life than TNT and less humor than TBS. But it’s my goal in life to find the humor in the drama, and ignore the drama in the humor.

My 3 kids:

First there is Bo. He’s 13. Like his father (Don’t laugh, he was cute in high school when I met him. The years have NOT been kind) before him, he believes that every girl in the world is crazy over him. They may well be crazy for Bo, they weren’t however for his father. I try to keep him as grounded as possible, without bruising his fragile ego. It’s a fine line I walk. He is into sports, but sometimes I wonder if he isn’t playing sports to appease his father’s need to live vicariously through his son. My sister (I’ll introduce her later) swears Bo will grow up to become a hairdresser, and that would be just rewards for his father. I agree. Bo is a good kid, who’s had a hard life, but there’s hope for him.

Then there is Tate. She’s 9. She may look just like her father, she is growing up to be just like me, (God help her). She has finally discovered the joy of reading and now has her nose stuck in a book all the time. She feels things deeply, when she loves it’s with her whole heart, when she cries she empties her soul, when she smiles she lights up a room, and when she laughs it’s the sweetest sound. This child will save the world, one broken heart at a time.

Last, is Newt who is 7 going on 30. She was a surprise (not an accident) and has been a great source of pride, joy and angst. She is spunky, funny, brave, independent, sensitive, cute, irritating and everything I want to be when I grow up. She does her own thing, doesn’t care what anyone else thinks. She learned early on that if she didn’t keep up Bo and Tate would leave her behind, and so now, she is often the leader. She is my informer, making sure I know every last detail of everyone else’s business. She plays by her own set of rules, and if you don’t like it you don’t have to play.

I have a sister and you can read about her on her blog. I will tell you this, when asked, she will give you her honest opinion. She will tell you what she sees, what she feels and what she thinks without sparing any feelings. She’s honest to a fault. She expects that in those around her. She offers support and encouragement, but is also there to kick my ass when I need it. I don’t always agree with her, but I always respect her. She is my true north, and I’ve said that more than once. I love her. Sis is married to a wonderful man, and they have two amazing boys, Stealth and Duck

I have a brother too. Growing up, we used to be close, but then I went to college, and then got married, and left him behind with Sis. They got close then. Now that we’re all adults, we’ll it seems to have evened out. Although here lately, he’s been a great source of support that I didn’t know about, until I reached out to him one night for answers to questions he really couldn’t answer, but he tried anyway. I found out just how deeply he loves me and how much he cares about me, and I treasure that.

I have 2 ex husbands, who happen to have the same first name (yes, kept things simple in bed. Shut up. I never called out the wrong name. I never called out any name, but that’s another post entirely). To keep them separate I called them C1 and C2 but Batman (who you will meet in a minute) dubbed C2 The Slug, and that name was so fitting, it stuck. C1 is Bo’s father, and The Slug was the sperm donor for both girls. (hard to call him a father, when he’s not much of a parent….again, another post entirely). I hate to mention her, b/c she is such a waste of a human being, but The Slug has a live-in bitch I lovingly call The Heifer. My personal opinion on this waste of space is that she is nothing to me or the girls, she is just the warm body their sperm donor is currently fucking. And now I really have wasted too much time on them both in this paragraph.

Only because he's a recurring nightmare in my life, I will mention X-BIL. He is The Slug's Twin brother. At one time I would have believed him to be the sane, normal, decent one of the two (yeah, I married the reject). but my opinion of him has changed, or let's just say I see him in a different light now. X-BIL is married to X-SIL and they have two daughters, TD and Hot Stuff.

Then there is Batman. He is the love of my life, but at the wrong time. We had a wonderful glorious 3 months together and the past month has been rocky, turbulent, and hellish at best, but we are getting through it. He’s a wonderful man, and I consider myself lucky to know him and to have loved, and been loved by him. Our story is far from over, so stay tuned. Batman is the father of Scooter and Princess. I love them like they were my own, and miss them very much, but someday…….

I have lots of friends, some IRL and some here on the internet. Most of them are listed on my sidebar, go check out their blogs. Say Hey.

I can’t think of anyone else I need to introduce at this time. All the other cast of characters in my life, are either scattered through the archives of this blog, or I will introduce them as I meet them.

Hope this helps!

Mother Nature at her finest

Today's Forecast: *WINTER STORM WARNING IN EFFECT UNTIL 9AM FRIDAY* Periods of freezing rain and sleet southeast of Jefferson City. Otherwise patchy freezing drizzle with falling temperatures into the low 20s. Strong north wind at 10-20 mph gusting to 30 at times. Snow developing during the mid afternoon hours. Snow may be heavy and blowing at times. Snow is likely through the evening hours. Snow will be blowing and heavy at times. Expect 6 inches to 12 inches by morning with some areas picking up as much as 18 inches.

Yup, that's the weather today. It started last night, with rain. Not a nice gentle rain, not even a rain storm. Nope, this was a gusher or a gully washer. Noah was building his ark last night folks. They say that for every inch of rain that falls, that is the equivelent of 12 inches of snow. If that's true, we could have had 6 feet of snow by now. Thank god the temps were warm enough it was just rain last night.

Sometime while I slept, the bottom fell out of the temperture, and we have ice. As of 8:00 this morning, the roads were still just warm enough they weren't bad, but you could tell they were hovering at 32/33 degrees, it was getting dicey out there. The rain had slowed down considerably, but it was no longer rain, it was sleet. They are calling for snow to start falling late this afternoon, early evening and not let up until sometime tomorrow. The numbers I've heard so far are anywhere from 9 to 14 inches, but who knows what we'll actually get when it's all said and done.

I braved the roads this morning, to get to work, (need the $$) and will gather the girls tonight and go home. The kitchen is stocked, the house is warm, and we have books, movies and games to entertain us. We're good.

I just mentioned yesterday that my kids have never experienced a snowfall like I used to play in. They've never had a 2-3 foot snowfall. 2 or 3 inches? Yes, 2 or 3 feet? Never. Me and my big mouth.

It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas...inside and out. Bring it on Mother Nature. I'm ready.