Changes

My Horoscope for today “It's time to put your feet back on the ground! You've been doing tons of great work with your spirit, but now it's time to put those lessons to good use here on earth. Look for creative ways to use this newfound wisdom”

I have been doing a lot of work, internal, emotional work, some might even say spiritual work. I have walked a long and winding road these past couple of months. It has not been easy. There have been a lot of tears. I have done a lot of soul searching. I have learned some very hard lessons. I have learned that what you see isn’t always what it seems. I have learned to trust what I know, and hold on to the faith. I know that he had to leave, had to take a step (A huge step) back. I had to learn that I could do all of this on my own, without relying on him, depending on him. I had to learn to stand on my own two feet, fight my own fights, without him, even in my corner. It would have been too easy to depend, rely and lean on him.

So, it’s time to take all that I’ve learned, (to trust, to believe) and put them to good use.

There is something bright looming on the horizon of my life. I don’t know exactly what it is, but there are more changes coming my way. Positive changes.

Freedom

Freedom.

What a deliciously sweet word.

I went to the courthouse today, and on my way, I was remembering back to the last time I had been to this courthouse with The Slug. It would have been August 2004, when our divorce was granted. Funny, try as I might, I couldn’t remember that day, at all. I could remember the day I appeared before the judge in my divorce from C1, but my memory could not recall the day of my divorce from The Slug.

I take that back. I remember walking out of the courthouse afterwards. I remember the drive back to work, and the phone calls I made to all of my family and friends. I could not remember appearing before the judge. I could not remember sitting in that courtroom. It was if my mind had blocked it out, completely. Strange.

I got to the courthouse, his truck was there. I reminded myself, I have nothing to fear here, I have a lawyer, we have an agreement, nothing will change. This is just a formality. Still, I wondered, I questioned, I worried. Up the stairs to the courtroom, and then it hit me. All of the memories of that day. Sitting in that courtroom waiting for our case to be called. Being sworn in by the judge, taking the stand and testifying to all that we had agreed upon. Today would be much the same.

He sat waiting outside the courtroom, we chatted, mostly about the girls. The unspoken giant elephant in the room was the reason we were there. He was subdued, thoughtful, withdrawn, polite, sincere and contrite. All those things I know he is very capable of being for a short time. All those things he can pretend to be, to pull at the heart strings, and stir up the guilt.

I could see the guy I could be friends with. And now I have to find a way to be friends with him, to set aside the anger and pain, and do what’s best for the girls, always. He looked defeated, deflated. I almost felt sorry for him.

I had to remind myself of the hell he had made my life in the past. That no matter how defeated he looked today, there is a monster lurking underneath, and he can turn on my in a moment. I had to remember that I had to do this today, to be free, to move, to start a fresh new life. To be able to live a life I am unable to live here.

We walked in, we appeared before the judge, we testified that we agreed that the parenting plan we submitted was in the best interest of the girls. I testified that I would like the court to grant me permission to relocate to Lincoln County after the girls finish school. He testified that he would not contest it. It was straightforward, no surprises. Went off without a hitch. Except the hitch in my heart, seeing what this was doing to him. It was hurting him, more than he would let on. It’s hard to celebrate a victory at the painful expense of someone else. (The guilt he was inducing in me was powerful indeed.)

I knew I would walk out of that courtroom today, and look and feel unchanged. I also know that I am profoundly changed, I am just unaware of the changes right now. I know that the realization of all that has happened will hit in a day or two. But for now, this demon has been slain, and I am victorious. I am free. My life is now my life. The girls are now mine.

Freedom.

What a glorious sweet word.

Purging (of the personal kind)

Ok dear readers, today was apparently a day to purge. Much like I purged the baggage of my past from my apartment this past weekend, apparently today was the day to purge all the baggage from my head and heart. Lots to read today.

I believe in Love

Made a promise to myself
Locked it way deep down inside
Told my heart we’d wait it out
Swore we’d never compromise
Oh I’d rather be alone
Like I am tonight
Than settle for the kind of love
That fades before the morning light

Silence stared me in the face
And I finally heard it’s voice
It seemed to softly say
That in love you have no choice
Today I got the answer
And there’s a world of truth behind it
Love is out there waiting somewhere
You just have to go and find it.

I believe in love, I believe in love
Love that’s real, love that’s strong
Love that lives on and onYes, I believe in love

(Dixie Chicks)

It's my time now

Once again, I am standing on the precipice much like I have before. I am once again, looking at a life altering experience. I know that soon, very soon, my life as I have known it will be gone and altered, profoundly changed yet again. This time, it will be a positive change. I’m not entirely sure that it wasn’t positive last time. Even though it didn’t feel like it at the time.

I stood on the precipice before, and felt the world beneath my feet crumble. My world fell apart. I, however, didn’t. I found strength in me I didn’t know I had. I learned I could stand on my own two feet. I could take control of my life, and I could go on. Even when it hurt, even when I didn’t want to, even when every breath I took was almost more effort than I could muster; I found I could go on. Just about the time I thought I couldn’t go on any more, I found that I could. I know that that strength will serve me well when we move. I know now, that I can face anything life throws at me and I will survive.

Tomorrow, my life will change again. I will walk out of that courtroom tomorrow and I will still be the same person I am now, the sun will still rise in the east and set in the west. Monday will still follow Sunday, and the Earth will still revolve around the sun. I know that I will walk out of that courtroom unchanged on the outside, but profoundly changed inside. I will have faced my biggest fear, my fiercest demon, and I will have won. He will lay slain at my feet. The victory of that will not ring hollow. It will be even more profound because I did it alone. My knight in shinning Armour will not have needed to step in and help me. I faced this evil on my own, and I will have won.

I am standing on the precipice of a new exciting life, a freedom I have wished for, dreamed of, but never fully believed I’d ever have. And yet, it is there, waiting for me, tomorrow. I will come into my own tomorrow. My babies will be mine. I can now be the positive strong courageous female role model I’ve always wanted for my girls. I will have done this, fought this fight, minor though it turned out to be, completely on my own. I have faced every obstacle that was in my way, and found a way to deal with it. One step at a time, steady did it.

I am standing on the precipice much like I have before. My world changed then, much as it will change tomorrow. I know now, that I had to go through what I went through then, to get to where I am now. I know now, that he had to go away, so that I could face this demon on my own, by myself, and fight it and win, alone. He would have fought the fight for me, but the victory would have been a hollow victory to me. This way, it is mine, and it is more meaningful, more profound. I have learned much in this journey. I could not, would not have come this far, gained this much, learned all that I have needed to learn, had I not done this alone.

I am saying good-bye to my past. I am saying good-bye to the woman I used to be. I have embraced her and told her she did all that she was capable of doing; she did the best she could. But her time has come and gone. It is my time now.

Waiting, and waiting, and waiting some more

Ok, can I just say that I am so beyond ready for NASCAR and Baseball to start again? I am tired of football, and I just can't watch basketball.

Yeah, I know, the red of my neck is showing today. I'm sorry.

My horoscope for today

It’s a myth that lightning doesn’t strike twice in the same place. Actually, lightning strikes twice all the time. You’ll experience multiple bolts from the blue in the form of inspirations that take you to the next level.
The dark days of the past are not going to come back to haunt you, so why are you afraid to start down a new path? There is a fresh idea coming into your life, and it will be burning brightly, illuminating the way forward – and showing you that you have nothing to fear. This is a time to trust other people, because they honestly do want the best for you. Your instincts have never let you down before, and they certainly aren’t going to today.

That’s my horoscope for today. I could write a really lengthy post about it, but hell, I’ve been a blabbermouth all day today, so I’ll keep it short and sweet.

The dark days of the past are not going to come back and haunt me. Tomorrow I will be free from him. I will be starting down a new path, full of hope, and promise.

There will be new fresh ideas coming into my life, showing me the way to go, leading me down the path the universe has laid out before me.

Trust other people because they want what’s best for me. I have put my faith and trust in several other people along this journey, and they have led me where I need to be.

My instincts have never let me down before, and they certainly aren’t going to today. I had a long conversation with Batman last night, about the future, both the immediate near future, and the distant future. The whole conversation had a very hopeful promising feel to it. I am sure of several things, if only in my heart and soul. But my instincts have always been dead on when it comes to B, and I have no reason to think otherwise of them now.

If this is a dream, let me never wake. If I am awake, then let my dreams be as true as this.

Home Again

Home.

That is home, well, sort of.

That's Batman's home.

That is the balcony I stood on this summer and realized I was home.

This was my safe haven this summer. When my life was crazy and out of control, it was here that I could relax, and breathe. I could let go of the insanity, and I could just be. It was here that I would come to recharge my batteries, to heal my heart and soul. It was here that I was reborn. It was here that I found my true worth, my true strength, my true love. It was on this balcony that I finally saw my life for what it was, a train wreck. It was here that I finally truly saw that no matter what the courts said, my life still wasn't mine to live how I wanted. I wasn't free. It was here, that I discovered I needed to free myself and my girls from the tenticles of the past. It was here that I found the strength and courage to fight to free myself and my girls from the force of evil that is their father. It was here that I began to finally claim the whole of my life as my own.

It hasn't been home to me for a while, but it will be home again. I can feel it in my heart and soul. Things in my life are coming around full circle. I will stand on that balcony again, with a cup of coffee, and watch the sun come up to start a new day in my life. MY LIFE. Mine.

Home. More than a building, it is the family inside, the love, the acceptance. The people in this house, are home to me, they are family. They are my support and encouragement. There is love and laughter in abundance in this house. There is happiness and joy and acceptance. I was/am only truly alive and completely happy when I was there. I will be again.

I know in my heart of hearts, in my deepest soul, I will go home again. Soon. I will have traveled the path set before me, and I will have faced the demons that were haunting me. They will soon lay dead at my feet. I will step over them, and start my journey home.

Soon. I will be going home.

24 hours

Tomorrow, at 9:00AM local time, is my court date for the girls modification.
Tomorrow.
My freedom is within reach.
Tomorrow.

What a bundle of emotions that stirs up. Hard to believe I will have it all tomorrow. 24 hours from right now.

If you look back through the archives of this blog, you can see the hell The Slug put me through since our divorce. When I went to my lawyer for our first meeting, I had gone back through all of my notebook journals and wrote out everything that he had done to make my life hell, and why I thought it was in the girls' best interest for me to have sole custody of them. It was 6 pages typed, single spaced. And that was just the past year. I could have gone back and listed everything he had done since the divorce, or even further and listed all he'd done while we were married too. And I would have, if it had become necessary. I just thought that 5 restraining orders in 2 years, and the fact that he couldn't keep a job or pay child support on time spoke for themselves.

The sad thing about the whole situation was my acceptance of it. He had stripped me of my self esteem (not that I had that much when we met) and my worth. He was abusive, mentally, emotionally, physically. And I stayed. Even after I left (ok, after I was thrown out) he stalked me, he harrassed me, he threatened me. His behavior cost me several jobs, and several relationships (although I think he may have been doing me a favor then). I just came to accept that he was always going to be a pain in the ass, and was always going to be a problem I would have to deal with. I would just have to accept it. I didn't realize how damaging his behavior was to my health, and my life. I just accepted it as a fact of my life.

Until this summer. Batman's Aunt passed away in October. He asked me to attend the visitation and funeral with him. (I was family, almost, at that point). I had asked The Slug if he could keep the girls for me one more night, so that I could attend both. He grudgingly agreed, so I went.

The day of the funeral, at 2:30, I get a voice mail message from The Slug saying "I'm not picking up the girls tonight. So you better get your ass home and get them. You don't need to be down there with your boyfriend any longer. You need to get your ass home to your kids." To make a long story, short, he said if I didn't get home he would have me charged with abandonment. Whether he could or not doesn't matter. I couldn't risk it, I couldn't risk the girls. I left. Made arrangements for the girls to be picked up, and I would get them as soon as I got into town. Apparently The Slug didn't want anyone picking up the girls but me (as if he had a choice) so he found them, and took them.

I had to get the police involved to get them back. Obviously he could have taken them that night (he did) and he just showed his ass to prove to me, to B, and to himself that he could still make me jump through hoops. He proved he could still control me, he could still call the shots in my life. He still had too much power.

Batman couldn't deal with the drama. It was too much. I was headed for another break down. If I let things continue I would be in the hospital again. The girls were being used as pawns. It was ugly. Batman said "You need to change this. You need to get away from him. You need to get him out of your life, and the girls' life. This is not healthy for any of you."

He was right. I couldn't make a life with anyone as long as The Slug had this kind of power over my life. I wasn't free to give myself to anyone else. I wasn't free to share my life with someone, because I didn't have my life. The Slug still controlled my life. I wasn't free of my past, no matter what the court papers said, the reality of my life was vastly different.

Tomorrow, at 9:00, the judge will rule on our modification. I will be granted sole custody of the girls. I will be granted the freedom to move, to relocate, away from The Slug, closer to Batman, as soon as the girls are out of school. I will have been given the greatest gift, I will have my life, and my girls' life. We will be free. No longer will he control me, no longer will he haunt me, no longer will he threaten me. No longer will he defy me, no longer will I have to fight with him over the simplest decisions. I will be free. I will be my own person. I will own my life. The girls will be mine.

Tomorrow. What a beautiful day.

Freedom. What a wonderful word.

Mine.
Tomorrow.

Golden Brown

Can I just say that I feel so much better about myself when I'm tan? I know the dangers and the risks, but damn I feel so much better when I'm tan.

I hadn't been tanning in a long time (since B and I broke up) and I had lost that golden glow. I was looking pale. Hell, I was beyond pale, past pasty, I was damn near glow in the dark white. So, I bit the bullet ( and not that Slug is paying Child Support again) and bought a tanning package.

There's a place right up the road here, that had a special, 10 visits for $20 (hell of a deal, really) and buy 10 get 3 free (Yay me! 13 for $20). So sign me up! I went to tan this weekend, and Hello, it's FREE Saturday and Sunday because of the holiday! SCORE!!!! 5 free visits!

So, I'm a nice golden brown again, got a beatuiful golden glow. The extra 5 pounds I put back on for B look good when they are tan. I love, love, love tanning. I feel so much better about me.

The Saga continues

I came into work this morning to find yet another email waiting from CW.

Boy, I am sorry for just giving you a hard time, and ribbing you for the camera thing. Didn’t know you would take it this way. I was truly thinking we would just be out for grins and giggles and to enjoy the adventures of what has taken place in our lives.
Never meant any dis-respect and understood about the boundaries as it sounds like you have put some stability in your life that is a good thing.
Again sorry that my “bone head” ribbing was taken incorrectly, I will adhere to your wishes and hope that you have a wonderful life.

Now tell me, this email was sent with the intention of making me feel guilty and hopefully to make me change my mind. And that pissed me off even further, but to me it was just more proof that he still didn't get it and still didn't respect my boundaries. So, I replied with:

I said no, and no always means no. There is no joke about it. The fact that you kept on pushing the issue made me think and feel like you didn't respect my NO and I'm sorry, but I respect myself too much to play games.
I defined the boundaries, and yet you kept hinting around at the possibility of more than just a drink. The only way to make sure my boundaries were clear was to avoid a situation that could have gotten out of control. I don't need to put myself in questionable situations, and your comments made the whole thing questionable.

There will be no further communication between us, as I have made sure that all further emails from him will be deleted upon receipt and I will never see them in my inbox. I defined my boundaries, and now I have stood behind them. Very powerful indeed.

Boundaries

I got an interesting email a couple of weeks ago. It was sent to my hotmail address, which I don’t check very often. It was from the District manager for the car dealer ship I used to work for over a year ago.

Just a little back ground here. CW is the DPSM (District parts/service manager) for our store. My boss’s boss’s boss in effect. There was some chemistry there, we worked well enough together, we laughed, we joked. And my boss encouraged it. It kept CW off his back.

So, one night, after work, we went to a local Mexican joint and grabbed a couple of margaritas and shot the shit. No big deal, really. Then I had to get the girls. So I went home. The next night we met at another hole in the wall, and had a couple of drinks, then decided we’d go to a martini bar since I had never gone. He drove. (Should have known better).

The martini bar was kickin. Totally loved that place, and 2 cosmopolitans later I was in no shape to drive home. So, back to his hotel, and I’ll spare you all (and myself) the details. This was not normal, or typical behavior on my part. But it was hard to deny the chemistry that was between us.

Over the next few months we talked on the phone, exchanged emails, but never saw each other away from the dealership. I began to think about my behavior that night, coupled with some other self discovery I was going through, and some growing up I was doing. I began to realize that that night was a mistake. I was looking for something he could never give me. I had to find it within myself. He kept hoping I was wrong. I realized it was sex, he kept hoping I would think it was love. It wasn’t. I sent him an email to that effect, and asked him to forget about that night, as I would be trying desperately to forget about it as well. After that, contact was fleeting, and when I left the dealership, it stopped altogether.

Until 2 weeks ago. I got an email from him, he was in town, staying at the same hotel, had been by the Mexican joint, and ‘had flashback memories’ and had then gone by the martini bar, and of course brought up more memories, and then decided he’d stay in the same hotel. Oy.

He mentioned that maybe the next time he was in town we could get together for a drink, just to catch up. I agreed to one drink, no more. And it would be here in my town and I would not be getting into his car at any point during the night. I told him all about Batman, and how I had made a promise to myself, and to Tate, that B would be it for me. No one else, if not him, then no one. Period.

He seemed to be agreeable. Then I told him about my photography, and that’s when I found out his true motive. He jokingly asked if he could get me in front of the camera and take some pictures of me, just for himself. His exact phrase was “I will request my own personal stash of BH photos, not many…if I get the chance.” I refused. I don’t want him to have pictures of me to do lord knows what with. I refused several more times, telling him there would be zero pictures taken that night, and he kept pushing and ignoring it.

Finally I sent him this email today. “You know, some things just never change. I set down some boundaries, and you have continued through these emails to ignore them and try and steamroll right over them. I made it clear, there will be no pictures taken. Period. And yet, you seem to think it's funny to ignore that.

We shared two night of drinks and one night of drunken sex. I try to forget that night. I was looking for something that I thought you could give me. I was wrong. I had to find it for myself, within myself. And I have. I have the love and acceptance of myself now. And Respect. It seems to me that you don't respect me, or my wishes, or the boundaries I have defined.

That being said, please don't call me this week, as I won't be meeting you for margarittas, or anything else, this week, or ever again. Please forget what happened between us one drunken night so long ago. I have long forgotten it. And don't want to remember it ever again. “

I hope he gets the message. We shall see. But it felt good to stand up for myself, to define and defend my boundaries. I made them clear, and he refused to respect them. There is power in taking a stand and knowing I don’t have to put up with his BS or the fact that he doesn’t respect me, my wishes or my boundaries.

An apology to my readers

I apologize up front right now to all my readers, I will probably blather on about Batman more then usual in the next few days. I will try really hard not to, and will try really hard to find other things, more important things, or funnier things to write about. Please bear with me, and if it gets to nausiating here, I'm sorry and I will certainly understand your need to go puke some where.



I just found out that we're off that Monday Jan 15, for Martin Luther King Jr.'s Birthday. So, do you know what that means? Yup! I don't have to leave at 5:00 Monday morning to get back here in time for work. I can hang out with him, even if that means at his work, until 3:00 in the afternoon! How awesome is that?

Waiting,

Is it possible to make 2 the new 12?

Yeah, I didn't think so.

I thought, when I asked him for the entire weekend, that 10 days wouldn't be that big a deal, that I could get through it, knowing what I was getting at the end. 10 days would be a reasonable time to wait to go Home again, to get an entire weekend. I thought, I can make it through, just think of the pay off, think of what's waiting.

Yeah, that just makes the next 10 days seem like an eternity.

10 more days,
Just 10 more days.

Books

Ha! Ha! My friend TA from work, cleaned out her desk and file cabinets today. You know the usual, New year, out with the old, make room for the new. Hide away the Christmas decorations for yet another year. (she just put them up 2 weeks ago, a little late, but hey, they got up).

Anyway, in her quest to clean out stuff, she came across some books she had but was never going to find the time to read. She offered them to me, and me being the bookworm that I am, hell yeah, I jumped all over those babies. I have Janet Dailey, Judy Blume, Nicholas Sparks, Mary Higgins Clark, along with a few I've never heard of. Can't wait to get into them.

Guess how many books she found?

Yup.

10.

A book for every night between now and going home.

I'm just asking

Is it too early to start packing my suitcase?

T minus 10 and Counting

So, I didn't get my smooch (over the phone or otherwise) at the stroke of midnight on New Year's Eve. That's ok. I think I got something a little bit better.

Batman and I did talk on the phone that evening, several times actually. I had sent him a text message earlier that morning, the scale had told me I had reached the magicall number of 120. I looked in the mirror, and noticed my stomach wasn't as concave as it used to be, the hip bones weren't protruding as distinctly as they had been. In fact, I was looking a lot less Nicole Richie than I had been in the past weeks.

I told him, "Look, I've carried out my end of the deal, kept up my end of the bargin. Now it's time for you to ante up. Make this worth my while, or it all comes off again."
Oh it will so be worth your while. But you can't get it this week.
Yeah, because you have the kids. Look, mine go back to school on Wednesday, don't yours?
Nope, I have them all week and weekend. They go home Sunday.
So, what you're saying to me is, the earliest I will get to see you is Wednesday, January 10th?
Uh, yeah, looks that way.
Well, Hell. But hey.......I would be willing to wait an extra 2 days, and come down on Friday the 12th, if you would give me the entire weekend. If you would let me spend the entire weekend, Friday/Saturday/Sunday night there, just like I used to.
Well, I think I can manage that.
So, I get the entire weekend, if I wait until the 12th?
Yeah, we can swing that.

In 10 days, (Hence the perfect blog title) I will leave work at 5:00 and with my bags already packed, I will head out of here, and go home again. Home. I haven't been home since October. Yes, I've spent the night there occassionally, but I haven't spent a weekend. I'm going home again.

And yes, I will find out exactly what was 'worth my while' that weekend too. You all know what I want.

We are making our way back to each other. It just seems to me that the universe has chosen to put us on the long and winding scenic route back together. And damn it I want to be on the Autobahn. Enough with the wandering around shit, let's get this show on the road, let's get back together so we can get on with our happily ever after.

Yeah, patience hasn't been one of my strongest virtures.

Happy New Year! It's gonna be my year!

Welcome 2007!!!

This weekend has been so empowering for me, utterly beyond words. Saturday I woke with this need to have the holidays over and out of my house. I was done with Christmas this year. I had survived it with my kids, without Batman, and I was done with it. Friday night was my last Christmas celebration, the decorations disappeared from sight by 7:00AM Saturday morning. Time to move forward.

I spent part of Saturday cleaning my apartment, the living room, the kitchen. Basically just surface cleaning though. Not anything serious. Sunday, I did a a whole lot of nothing more than read an entire book. New Year's Eve, no date. He was with his kids. We talked on the phone around 9:45-ish, we were both calling it a night.

This morning, I woke to a new day, a new week, a new month, and a new year. By 6:00 AM I was in the girls' bedroom, stripping their beds, and throwing all the clothes that were on the floor, their beds their dressers, out into my living room. I spent 2 hours picking up toys, going through toy boxes, closets, dressers, throwing away things they no longer played with, wore or used. Purging. It felt wonderful. (Until I saw the 3 foot tall pile of laundry in my living room waiting for me).

I hit the kitchen next, throwing away old, getting rid of things I no longer need or use. Same with the living room. Papers, emails, pictures of old 'loves', reminders of my past, of the desperation to make something out of nothing. No point in holding on to reminders of things gone wrong. I've learned the lessons, I don't need to keepsakes, or the touchstones. I don't need the bagage.

It's now after 2:00 and I worked non-stop for 8 hours this morning. Throwing out old dead weight. I have taken 14 20-gallon trashbags to the dumpsters down the hill. I am sure the neighborhood thinks I'm a freak, or that I've chopped up a body and am disposing of it in seperate garbage bags.

With every bag I took down the hill there was giddy laughter tempered with sadness. Laughter at the freedom I felt and the knowledge that I was claiming more and more of my life as my own. Sadness because I once felt the need to cling to so much garbage. My happiness was not in these things. In fact, it was in the purging of the bad. With every load disposed of, I felt freer, lighter, happier. I was taking back my life, leaving the past behind. I have my memories, but I don't need the junk holding me down.

I have more to do, and I will get through it. Maybe not today, maybe not tonight, but I have all week. I have made a great start, much headway. All that I feel going through all that I am going through right now, sometime just overwhelms me. I cry tears but not of sadness, tears of too many emotions, feeling too much. Relief, joy, happiness, hope, freedom, strength, courage, love, you name it, I feel it.

2007, is going to be my year. I will have my new life, my new home, and god willing my man too. So, grab a comfortable seat, and a cuppa joe, or your drink of choice, and get comfy. It's going to be an exciting year!


Oh, and Yes, Tennessee Becky, I will be blogging about my great, exciting news....but it will have to be tomorrow. I have the perfect blog title for it, but it only works tomorrow. So, stay tuned.

I am lonely. I miss him

Today, I am lonely, and I miss him. I know that he's at home with Princess and Scooter, and that all is well there. I talked to him yesterday, and am sure I will talk to him later today. But right now, I miss him.

It's New Year's Eve. Something I can easily forget if I don't think about it. Still, I wanted to end this year, start the next one with him. He told me once, that he would have liked to spend NYE with me, but he's got the kids.

(Emails from 12/15)
So, you gonna make me wait 3 weeks till I see you again? God I hope not
Let me see how things plan out. these next couple of weeks are going to be crazy but I hope not
uh, maybe I don't want to know, but do you have plans for New Year's Eve?
I have the kids new years
well crap damn fart
Sorry I would very much like to see you then.

So, I know that he would have liked to see me today, but the kids are there. I talked to him Friday, and well, he promised we'd get together this week.

I keep telling myself, that it's all going to be ok in the end. I still have birthday gifts and Christmas gifts to deliver to him. Hell, I still have things, clothes, toothbrush, shower gel, all kinds of things at his house, in his room. There is always hope. But none of that eases the lonliness of today. None of that brings him to me or me to him. The distance is still there, and today I feel it, a 100 times I feel it.

I am just lonely today. I miss him. I want to be there with him.

Ramdom purgings from my head today

Christmas last night with my family was a lot of fun. The beer was a huge success and got a great laugh from my brother. It was good to get to spend time with him, but as always, it was too short, and too fast and never enough.

Wide awake this morning at 4:30 (Batman alarm time) and at 5:00 I gave up the fight, and got out of bed. Made coffee, and looked at the pictures taken last night. By 6:00 Newt had joined me and since I had help, I jumped on the energy that had been bubbling under the surface, and down came the tree. Decorations off, lights off, all put away in boxes, and the tree taken down, and put in the box to be used again next year. Yes, it would have been easier to haul it to the curb, but it was raining and chilly this morning, so, into the box it went.

The holidays are over at my house, with the exception of finding places for the new goodies. With the kids gone this whole next week, I will have plenty of time to clean their rooms and sort the stuff out and find places for everything.

I have this urge, need, whatever you want to call it, to clean everything. Purge all of the old, unnecessary garbage and baggage from my life, and start the new year, lighter, happier, cleaner, fresher, freer from my past. I have freed myself from the forces of evil, now it's time to free myself from the reminders of love not found. Time to stop holding on to things that didn't work, that fell apart, that really didn't exist in the first place. When I step into my new life, I want to do it, as just me. Not me and parts of the Knuckleheads, or bits of Boo, or reminders of Mr. Wonderful. My new life will be me and my girls. I pray Batman will be there waiting.

I saw on the news last night that Saddam Hussein was hanged and is dead. To me it was really anticlimatic. Is there really a sense of justice for us? Maybe there is for the people of Iraq (I truly hope so) but does his death effect us in any way? I mean, we had already stripped him of his power, he was harmless (as long as he remained imprisoned). I know that he did some terrible things, and was horrible beyond belief, and the things he did to the people of his country were unthinkable. But does his death effect us in any way? I just find it hard to get worked up about it.

Not much to post today, I have too much energy and a too pressing need to get back to the house and work my way through the junk of my life. Time to free myself from all that has been holding me back, time to claim my entire life as my own.

Almost done

Another hour of work, then I'm done for the year. It will be a long 3 day weekend away from work. It will be an even longer week away from the kids. They will be gone until next Friday. Unfortunately, Batman has his kids this weekend, and the entire family has plans to go out of town to visit more family, so I will have no New Year's Eve date/kiss/ Nothing.

(me pouting)

So, I hope everyone out there has a safe and fun and wonderful New Year Celebration. Please be careful. I will be around some this weekend, (after that damn tree comes down!!!). Next year, is all about me and my girls!!

See things my way

Ha! Ha! I love it when karma comes back around and bites people in the ass. I love it even more when I have a hand in helping karma out.

Ok, so we all know about the court date fiasco of yesterday. Nothing like a unpaid hour of my day lost to put a great big smile on my face and charity in my heart. He did talk to his lawyer, and there were a few odds and ends that needed to be tied up so we handled that via emails. (always good to have shit in writting). So, I took that opportunity to broach the child support issue.

Me: ok, so, since we don't have a court ruling, or a new court order, child support will still be $350 for January b/c that's the court order we have right now.

C1: $350 for January and $175 from February 1st to May 1st. That is the equivalent of $175 a month for six months.

Me: We agreed to 6 months child support. It is not my fault your lawyer scheduled a court date when there were no judges sitting and the courts could not rule on the new parenting plan. Why should I have to pay for your attorney's screw up?

C1: This was not my attorney's fault. There were a lot of cases that got messed up, ours was not the only one. This was the court's doing not my attorney. What you asked for was 6 payments of $175 which comes to $1,050. However, due to the fact that I couldn't get a hold of my attorney before the 28th to get the papers drawn up, I'll go ahead and give you $350 in January and then 5 payments of $175 for a total of $1,225.


I so love it when things go my way. Of course, when you threaten to take a whole of their money and make it your money, ex husbands have a tendency to see things your way.

See, C1 didn't pay child support for the first 5 yrs after our divorce. I can go back and collect that unpaid child support clear up until the day Bo turns 18 (that's 5 years folks). AND at the time of the divorce the state said that he was to pay $612/mo for Bo, but we settled on $350. I reminded him that over the past 11 years, we can safely assume your income has increased significantly. Correct?
Yeah.
And can we also assume that over the past 11 years, Bo's expenses have significantly increased as well?
Uh, yeah, I guess.
OK, then, let's review, your income increased, and Bo's expenses increased, but my child support did not increase, correct?
Uh yeah.
I can go back and get those increases if you would like for me to. And I can drag this whole modification through the court system for months and months to come, meaning you would pay me at least $350/mo until it's settled, vs the $350 for January plus the $175 for the remaining 5 months.

When it's put that way, the $350/mo and $175/mo through June doesn't sound half bad.

Why?

Why can't I have him? I got everything else I wanted this year. I got my girls. I've settled things with C1. I got my freedom. I found my backbone. I got my Nikon. I am standing on my own 2 feet. The only thing missing is....

Him.

Why can't I have him too? He hints around at it. He implies there is a possibility. He offers hope. But right now, falls just short of following through. Why can't I have him?

He's the only thing left on my wish list. Is it too much to ask for just one more Christmas miracle?

Christmas tonight with my little brother

Tonight will be Christmas with my family. Looking forward to seeing my brother and SIL tonight. That's always a good time. There will be side splitting laughter tonight, laughing so hard I can't catch my breath and tears rolling down my face. God I love him.

I got him the perfect Christmas/Birthday present this year too. I searched high and low for something for him. He's BIG into NASCAR, but I am always afraid I will buy him something he already has, so I shy away from that. Besides the only thing I could get him that he doesn't already have would be tickets to the Daytona 500, and thoses bad boys are MINE!

So this year, I found him the perfect present. One I know he will love, one I know he will use, and one I know he will enjoy. Yup, I bought the boy some beer! I got him a 20-pack of Bud Select. (uh, does that make us rednecks? Or Poor White trash? Gawd, I hope not!)

When I shared this little tidbit of info with Lil Sis, I got this response : LMAO. Nice. I got him a very interesting book on Guitars. But I'm not sure he reads. I mean, I know he CAN read, but I'm not sure he does. Eh well, if not, it'll make a nice coaster for the beer.

See what I'm saying about laughing my ass off? I can't wait.

Not Looking back, been there done that

2006 is almost over. Everyone (ok, a lot of people) will be looking back at the past 12 months. I don't want to. I don't want to look back and see the insanity, the drama, the crap, the chaos, the bullshit I have put up, lived through, dealt with this year. I don't want to go back through that hell again, not even in my mind. I am almost free of it's death grip on my life, and well, I don't want to remember or be reminded. I know that I am almost free. My nightmare is almost over. I don't want to remember how weak, how vulnerable, how gullable I was. I have found my strength. I will cling to it.

I don't want to look back at what I thought was love, but wasn't. I learned a lot from them, but I don't want to go back and relive it. It's important to learn the lesson, leave the baggage. I don't want to be reminded of how desperate I was to make something out of nothing.

I don't want to look back at what I once had, but no longer do. What we shared is over. It's not to say there won't be more, but what was is no more. It hurts to look back just yet. Maybe someday, but not yet. I focus on here and now, today, what I have right now. The hope and promise of tomorrow, the acceptance of today.

I don't want to look back over my shoulder at what was. It's not worth looking back at. Not when I have so much What Will Be to look forward too. The past is just a memory now, the furture holds promises of so much more, full of hope, and promise, and freedom. I'm looking forward to my future, my new life. I'm leaving this one behind. I don't need to look at where I've been, I know where I've been, I was there. I'm looking at where I'm going, what's ahead. It's so much brighter there.

My predicament

The Christmas tree is coming down this weekend if not sooner. My question is this: Do I take the decorations off, take the lights off, take the tree apart, and put everything away in their respective boxes? OR do I take the decorations off, and chuck the tree lights and all and buy all new stuff next year?

Oh, don't get me wrong, there is nothing wrong with the tree, it's in great shape, probably only 3 years old, if that. Lights are great too. I just don't want to mess with it. Hell, I'd pay someone to come in and take the damn thing down (down, as in apart or down, as in down the hill to the dumpster) whatever it takes to make it go away.

Christmas has been here, now it's gone. I'm not sure I ever really got into the Christmas spirit this year. I tiptoed around it, I teetered on the edge, but I never really got excited about it. And the thought of celebrating, yeah, just didn't thrill me. And OMG forget the shopping. ARG!

I'm just ready to get on with life, get on with stuff. Leave Christmas in the dust. I'm tired of looking back, I've got too much to look forward to right now......

Conversation in a van this morning.....

ME: Hey girls, do you know what today is?

Tate: No, what? Thursday?

ME: Yeah, smart a$$ it's Thursday, but it's Uncle S's birthday today!

Tate: Cool, we should get him a card

Newt: Why bother? We haven't even gotten his Christmas present yet.

My Brother is grown up, when the hell did that happen?

It's my brother's birthday today. Yeah, not sure what I'm going to get him, the brat just got a new truck for Christmas, how the hell do you top that? (oh, yeah, you get him a Dodge ---wingnut bought a...something else).

It's hard to believe he's 36 this year. That's a whole lot closer to 40 than I would like him to be (considering I'm between him and 40, that makes me tooo damn close to 40). Sometimes in my mind, in my head, and my heart, he's still my little brother, and I still feel the need (urge) to go before him and clear the path for him, like I did in college. Guess what? Bud doesn't need anyone to clear a path for him. (He's tall enough he can see over anything in his way....)

I'm proud as hell of him. His childhood, much like mine, was less than ideal. I don't know what he remembers of it, but I remember it being ok to call him names. Dad said it would make him stronger, tough, build character. Yeah, I see that it stole his self esteem. He went to college because Dad wanted him to, and he stayed in 4 years without a degree, because he didn't feel there were any options for him. But he hated it. Dad had spent Bud's life telling him 'No son of mine will go into the military.'

But when Dad broke one of his own cardinal rules (he had an affair, and ultimately divorced our mother) and betrayed Bud, well, Bud finally figured it was ok for him to break one of the cardinal rules too. As a way to get away from the mess of our parents divorce, and as an act of rebellion and defiance, Bud joined the military. In the 13 years he's been in, he's done amazing things. He has found his voice, found his worth, and found himself. It's funny, Dad never thought Bud would amount to much, and so Bud did exactly what Dad had spent his life telling him he couldn't do, and Bud excelled amounted to a hell of a lot.

I say the words every time we talk on the phone (and that has been with much more frequency lately, for which I'm very glad) but I want you to know that I really do love you, and I am terribly proud of you. You have been a wonderful source of support and understanding these past few months. You've listened without judging, you've offered adivice, you've offered to kick some ass, and you were there for me when I needed a shoulder to cry on. Thank you for growing up to be a wonderful man, and for being not only my brother but my defender, my champion and my friend.

I love you S. A. Pecan W. (and you know what I'm saying here....)

Some times, Fate smiles on me in such a way

As any of you who read this blog on a semi regular basis knows, I am dealing with 2 custody modifications for my kids. The girls’ has been settled, and we have a court date for the judge to rule on it, and we will be done. Bo’s on the other hand has been anything but easy.

When I was served the papers, and read them, I could have fallen out of my chair in total and complete disbelief. The accusations put forth in the modification were so completely absurd, they were beyond ridiculous. He was claiming that I was bi-polar with a long-standing history of refusing to take my medication. He claimed that I was physically abusive to Bo, and that Bo lived in constant fear for his life. There were more, lots more, demands and accusations. Crazy really.

I knew that fighting the charges and the allegations would take a lot of time, and a lot of money and would put Bo through a harrowing, nasty, bitter, ugly custody battle, where he would be forced to chose sides. All of which I didn’t have and didn’t want. So I set about trying to reach an agreement with Bo’s father.

He reached a quasi agreement, for 30 days, during which time we could hammer out the details of a new parenting plan. C1 readily agreed Bo should live with him for 30 days, but staunchly refused to discuss any terms of a new parenting plan.

Then I get a letter from his attorney stating we have a court date. WHOA! WTF is this? I’m being set up, I’m being ambushed. So I called C1 and for over an hour we fight over the phone about the modifications. During the course of the fight, he told me, “The only reason I am doing this, the only reason I filed this modification is because when I asked you about how serious you were with Batman, you told me it was none of my business. Had you just talked to
me, I would have been glad to work with you. As it is, I’m not willing to work with you at all.” Hey, as long as you’re doing this because you truly believe this is in Bo’s best interest, and not because you want to prove to me how big of a dick you can be, great. At least Bo’s best interest is at the root of this shit.

Then he told me, “Look, I’m not going to agree to what you want. If you think the stuff in this modification is over the top, you should know, that I’m being extremely generous here. My lawyer told me, nay advised me to ask for much much more, and demand much more. I’m being lenient at best. And if you want to fight this, I promise you I will be a bigger ass and I will ask for the moon and the stars, and I will make your life a living hell.” Ok, well, there’s a not so subtly veiled threat.

Finally I told him, Look, if you want this settled and done, this month, then you will accept what I’m agreeing to, have your lawyer write up a new parenting plan, and I’ll sign it. Done. We reached an agreement that was far from fair, but I love my son more than his father, and I took one up the ass to prevent Bo from being drug through a bitter nasty custody battle, because that is exactly what his father was promising was coming. Not because it was in Bo’s best interest, but because he wanted to get back at me.

So, today was our court date. The lawyer still has not drawn up the new parenting plan that we’ve agreed to. I still have no papers to sign, and I went to the court house today, ready to explain to the judge, C1 and I had an agreement (and I had the email to prove it) but the attorney hasn’t drawn up the papers yet. I was hoping the judge would listen and an agreement would be reached.

Funny thing. I got to the courthouse, found the courtroom, and it was dark, empty. No one was there. Uh, we have a court date in 5 minutes, shouldn’t people be here? People like a judge, the stenographer, uh, some staff? So, I find the judge’s secretary, and she tells me that Judge J will not be in today. That C1’s attorney had scheduled a court date on a day when the judge was not even in court. (This attorney is sounding like a regular Einstein).

So, there was no court date today, the judge can not, will not rule on it today. In fact, it won’t be heard this month or this year. So, that means, that come January 1, C1 will have to pay me the full child support amount because there will not be a new court order with a different amount. HA! Gotta love that!!!!!

I asked God/Fate whoever ‘Please don’t let me get ambushed or screwed over today in court. Please let things fall into place, let the agreement we’ve reached stand. Please let things go my way today.’ Yeah, I think they went my way, and then some.

2006 The List

1) What did you do in 2006 that you’d never done before? I found my backbone, I stood up to the Slug, I got sole custody of my girls, and I took control of my life. In the process I drove to Ohio with the kids to visit my dad.

2) Did you keep your new year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year? I don’t know if I made any resolutions last year. So, if I did, I don’t think I kept them. Oops!

3) Did anyone close to you give birth? Uh, no, not that I’m aware of.

4) Did anyone close to you die? Yeah, the sitter’s husband, and the supervisor of the body shop at the car dealership where I used to work.

5) What countries did you visit? Countries? Yeah, I can’t afford to pay attention, you think I’m a world traveler?

6) What would you like to have in 2007 that you lacked in 2006? More $$, but really, I’m not sure, exactly. What I lacked in 06, I’m working towards getting right now.

7) What dates from 2006 will remain etched upon your memory, and why? August 2, the day I met Batman, August 14th, the first time we said I love you,

8) What was your biggest achievement of the year? Getting custody of the girls.

9) What was your biggest failure? The relationship with my son, but I’m working on that so that it won’t be a complete failure.

10) Did you suffer illness or injury? Nope, pretty healthy,

11) What was the best thing you bought? My Nikon D70 from Mel. I love it, and next year (07) I hope to explore my photography even more, and hopefully do something with it…..

12) Whose behavior merited celebration? Mine! I have been through hell this year, especially the last have of the year, and I stood firm, I didn’t crumble, I didn’t break down. I found strength I didn’t know I had, and I have not only survived, I’ve triumphed.

13) Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed? C1, and The Slug, oh, and the Heifer, and ExBIL

14) Where did most of your money go? Apparently out the freakin’ door, to other people. Hope they enjoyed it. I miss it.

15) What did you get really, really, really excited about? The way things started to fall into place for me.

16) What song will always remind you of 2006? I have a whole sound track for this year……

17) Compared to this time last year, are you
a) happier or sadder? Happier about some things, sadder about others
b) thinner or fatter? Truly, about the same.
c) richer or poorer? Uh, I’m not sure, probably pretty damn close

18) What do you wish you’d done more of? Explored my photography,

19) What do you wish you’d done less of? Worrying

20) How will you be spending Christmas? I spent Christmas Day with my kids, and on the phone several times with B, and family and friends. I will have Christmas with my mother/brother/sister and families on Friday

21) Did you fall in love in 2006? I most certainly did, I am still in love with him,

22) How many one-night stands? None.

23) What was your favorite TV program? NASCAR on the weekends, Cardinals Baseball when they played and How I met your mother and Two and a Half Men.

24) Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year? Uh, nope, still hate the same people, pretty much.

25) What was the best book you read? I’ve read so many books, I can’t tell you the best one, I don’t remember them all.

26) What was your greatest musical discovery? Puddle of Mudd, All American Rejects, and the best of the best, was Back to Basics.

27) What did you want and get? Sole custody of my girls and permission from the courts, and The Slug, to move this summer to start over, fresh. In essence, I got my life free from him. Finally.

28) What did you want and not get? I don’t know that I won’t get it, but as of today, I don’t officially have Batman back in my life.

29) What was your favorite film of this year? I’m not sure. Didn’t do that many movies this year, at least not that many I can remember.

30) What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you? (how sad is it that I had to go back in the archives of my blog to see what I did for my birthday this year? Pretty damn uneventful) I turned 38 in July, and I went to a bar-b-que with a friend from my past.

31) What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying? It’s turning out to be pretty damn satisfying the way it’s going to end.

32) How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2006? Whatever works.

33) What kept you sane? My family, my blog, my journals, and at times, Batman. He was/is the calm in my storms, he’s home to me.

34) Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most? Uh, what? I don’t know….

35) What political issue stirred you the most? Because of the politics of my family, I try to stay out of it.

36) Who did you miss? I’m not sure.

37) Who was the best new person you met? All of Batman’s family. Princess loves so completely, with her entire heart. And feeling her little arms wrap around my neck heals my hurts, dries my tears, and makes me smile. Scooter is an amazing kid, who is smart as hell, courageous beyond words, really cool, and all around great guy. Mimi could have been/will be a dream of a MIL. She’s funny, she’s loving, she’s caring, she’s honest. She knows how much I love B, and she loves me and my kids. Mr. E (B’s dad) is a dream. I could talk to him for hours/days and never grow tired or be bored. He’s smart, and witty, and charming as hell. And the best damn cook I’ve ever met.

38) Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2006. I learned that sometimes you have to let go of the wheel to end up right where you belong. That control is an illusion, and the more you try to control life, and those in it, the less likely it is you will get the results you want. I’ve also learned that the results you want may not always be the results you get or the results you deserve or the best possible results. I learned seeing isn’t always believing that what you see isn’t always what you get.
39) Quote a song lyric that sums up your year. Every long lost dream led me to where you are. Other’s who broke my heart, they were like northern stars. Pointing me on my way, into your loving arms. This much I know is true. God bless the broken road that lead me straight to you.

Three Words

When I first met Batman, we spent the first week (?) maybe 10 days, talking on the phone, all the time. I remember when I fell in love with him. He had called me early one Saturday morning. He was camping with his kids, they were still asleep (I was too) but he called, said he wanted to wake up with me, start his day with me, even though we were over a hundred miles apart. We talked for 2 hours that morning. When I hung up the phone, I said to myself, "I love that man." and stopped dead in my tracks, because I never thought about it, I just said it, and knew it was true. I loved him.

It would be another 9 days before I would say "I love you" to him, but in those 9 days, the love I felt grew stronger, and I was never more sure of anything in my life. I would always think to myself after every phone conversation, "I love him".

Once we could say it to each other, I didn't have to think it, I could tell him, I could say it. And I did, tell him. I did say it. Often. Until things fell apart and he stopped saying it altogether. I continued to tell him for a few days, but it hurt too much to say "I love you" and have him answer with "I know you do." or nothing at all. So, I stopped. I stopped saying it, I even stopped thinking it. Those words ceased to exist for us, but I never stopped feeling it. The feelings never went away, just the words.

This week, things have changed again. I don't know how, I can't explain it, except that one night, (Friday, I think) after I got off the phone with him, I thought, "I love that man." all over again. The thought was just there, unprovoked, just there. It stopped me in my path, for a second. It was true, I was sure of it, but it was something that hadn't been there for a very long time. 'I love you' had come back into my thoughts.

I find myself now, telling him throughout the day, "I love you." in my head. I know that I can call him and tell him "I love you" and put voice to those words. I also know that he won't return the words. Maybe some day.

I would gain 10 pounds, 15 in necessary, without batting an eye, if I could just hear those words from him again. Not just once, but always. 3 words, 3 simple, impossible words.

The Heifer

The sitter took yesterday off as part of her Christmas vacation. Who can blame her? She just lost her husband right before Thanksgiving, and well, she could use some time off. So, since I had to work, the girls had to stay with The Heifer.

Since The Slug and I have come to an agreement about the girls, and custody, and my freedom to move, I have made a real, honest, effort to be nice to him, and accept Heifer as part of the package. But damn that bitch is making it impossible.

I got a phone call Christmas Eve from The Slug, the girls were sick. Very sick. They were running fevers, they had sore throats, and headaches. My advice? Give them some medicine, or bring them to me, and I’ll take care of them. He starts bitching “I haven’t had my Christmas with them yet, and I’m not going to give that up.” Fine. Then give them some medicine. In the background I hear that bitch yelling, “You two really need to take these girls to the ER right now. Don’t ask questions, just get them to the hospital!” Ok, bitch (and believe me there were other, more foul names spewing out of my mouth towards her at this point.) I am not taking them to the ER for a fever of 100.9 and a sore throat. But if you feel so strongly that they need to be there, feel free to take them yourself, AND pay the ER bill. No? Fine, shut the fuck up.

I did call the pediatrician, who did call in an antibiotic. I got the girls and got them well on their way to healthy.

Yesterday, The Heifer had to watch the girls again, b/c the sitter took the day off. Tate had wanted a particular hat for Christmas, and Santa being a bit on the broke side on occasion, didn’t get the exact hat she wanted, but did allow her to pick one out that was very similar. The deal with this hat is, it has a beer name on the front. It’s not big, it’s not bold, it’s not gaudy, but it is there. I have promised Tate we will get a cool patch and cover it, but in the meantime, she’ll just have to make do. So, she wears said hat to Heifer’s yesterday. And when Heifer sees the hat, she totally flips out and blows a freaking gasket over it. “Oh my freaking God! What kind of mother would allow her 9 year old daughter to wear a beer hat?” (uh, the one that gave birth to her. Who the fuck are you?) Gave Tate a complex right there on the spot, and made Tate so self conscious, she refuses to wear the hat.

Last night I was so livid, I was seeing red. Where the F@#k does that bitch get off making any kind of comment about my daughter and her hat? And where does she get off making Tate feel self conscious, and horrible about her Christmas gift? I called The Slug and told him, you better reign the bitch in and muzzle her because if you can’t do it I will. I am ready to put my size 8 right up her hoity toity ass, except there seems to be a huge ass stick already up there.

I will so glad when all things are said and done, and I can move the girls away from here. The Slug supposedly told The Heifer to move out That was March of this year. She’s still there. Of course she made promises, she bought things (cable, internet, a swimming pool, dogs, guns, a new truck, you name it), she offered sexual favors, she bribed, conjoled, manipulated, and has hid behind my girls (the girls don’t want me to leave, they love me) (yeah, my girls are vigorously shaking their heads NO behind her, giving themselves whiplash, and they are running to get boxes and suitcases and throwing her stuff into them) and managed to stay put, making my girls’ life there hell. They bitch for hours every time they come home from there. Slug has told me, that this year (2007) when she gets her tax money, she is moving out. Yeah, I heard that last year, and frankly I’ll believe it when I see the trash truck hauling her shit out the fucking door.

There is a light at the end of the tunnel for me and the girls. It’s still 6 months away, but I can see it there in the distance, on the horizon. There is hope in that penpoint of light, and I cling to it desperately. I live for that day, when I can load my life up in a truck and move to a new place, start a fresh new life, without The Slug, without the Heifer, without C1, without the drama, the stress the manipulations. I live for that day……

Finish the sentence

1. I've come to realize that my ex...are both an inexhaustable source of drama, stress, and reasons to bitch. Oh, and they are both complete brainless, spineless idiots.
2. I am listening to...two women in the next office discuss their holidays.
3. I talk...a lot.
4. I love...my kids.
5. My best friends...are fabulous.
7. I lost...a lot of unnecessary baggage this year, and that’s a good thing.
8. I hate it when people...break a promise.
9. Love is...a elusive thing.
10. Marriage is...an institution, but not one that I’m opposed to, just one I’m not in a hurry to commit myself to again right now.
11. Somewhere, someone is thinking...what’s for lunch.
12. I'll always be...older than my brother and sister.
13. I have a crush on...Johnny Depp and Orlando Bloom.
14. The last time I cried was because...I have so much going on in my life right now, and such a jumbled mix of emotions, I get overwhelmed with all I feel.
15. My cell phone...doesn’t get any reception while I’m at work.
16. When I wake up in the morning...it is always the same time, 4:30 AM.
17. Before I go to sleep at night...I say a prayer for all the people I love.
18. Right now I am thinking about...should I go tan at lunch, I’m looking really pasty and pale and blah…
19. Babies are...great, because now they are always someone else’s babies.
20. I get on myspace...about never, or next to it.
21. Today I...am bored at work, b/c everyone is off this week, and I miss talking to Batman, b/c he’s off the rest of the week too.
22. Tonight I will...take my girls to dinner and buy Christmas gifts for my nephews and my brother.
23. Tomorrow I will...come back here for more fun and games.
24. I really want...anyone who reads this blog, knows what I really want. Do I need to repeat it?

My new bling

Yeah, I know the picture sucks, it was taken in the mirro with my phone. But see that bling, in the top of my ear? Yeah, a new piercing. My Christmas present to me.

I 'marked' the celebration of my divorce with a belly ring, and I am marking the celebration of a new level of freedom from The Slug, and getting the girls, with my new ear ring.

I'm just saying.....

If you're going to allow your children to make up their own minds, make their own decisions, form their own opinions, then you should respect those wished, decisions, and opinions, even if (especially if) they are different than yours.

Imposing your wishes, wants, and desires on someone against their will is control in it's most basic and most cruel form. It teaches them that no matter what they want, it doesn't matter, you're going to steam roll right over them and do whatever you want anyway.

9 Days

I just found out that I have a court date with The Slug. January 4th. We have to appear before a judge and testify under oath that we agree to the proposed parenting plan we submitted to the courts. It should take no more than 15 minutes, and then, it will all be done.

It was 3 years ago I finally accepted that my marriage was over, there was nothing more I could do to save it, and trying to was killing me. My weight had reached an all time low of 98 pounds. And while a small part of me rejoiced in the fact I had finally 'made it' below 100, the logical survival part of me got scared and realized I had to change my life, or I wouldn't have a life to change.

The divorce was granted the following July, and even though the court granted me the freedom to live my life free from control, interference and manipulation from him, the reality of my life was far from that. He used the girls as pawns to control me, my actions, my life. He stalked me and everyone involved in my life. If I dated, he had them investigated, he drove by their homes, he watched and he waited. He made my life hell. and I was embarassed by him. I couldn't ask someone to take on his insanity, the drama he brought to my life, just because they had the misfortune to want to date me.

Batman changed that for me. He was worth fighting for. He mattered, he still matters. I couldn't allow The Slug to chase this one away. Plus, Batman could see him for what he was, and he showed me that while I had come to accept The Slugs behavior as a part of my life, I didn't have to. I could and needed to, put a stop to it. If I didn't I would lose Batman for sure. But beyond that, I needed to get my girls out of the hell their life had become.

9 Days left of this life, 9 days until I am given my life, the life I should have had all along. 9 Days and then they are mine, all mine. 9 days to freedom.

Post Holiday blahs, back at work, bored.

My Christmas vacation is over, back at work today. Except that very few people are here, and well, it's quiet and there's nothing to do. I just keep telling myself, cha-ching, I'm getting paid for this, so shut up and surf the web, post to your blog, read a book, and enjoy.

There have been several emails from my friend MS about our Christmas weekend. There has been utter silence from everyone else, so far. Eh, it's the day after Christmas, who in their right mind wouldn't be out there cashing in on all the great steals to be found today? If I didn't have the girls this morning, and if they hadn't been so sick this weekend, we would have hit one store this morning to see what treasures could be found.

Frankly, with the exception of the celebration at my mother's house this Friday, I am glad that Christmas is over. I will take my tree down this weekend, and put all the stuff away. I've just barely teetered on the edge of Christmas spirit this year, either from lack of money, excess of drama, or the uncertainty of where things stand in my life. I did what I could for the kids, and they didn't seem to notice or mind, or complain. But I remember Christmases of my childhood, and there was always more goodies under the tree than my children seem to have.

I know that Christmas isn't all about the presents under the tree, it's about love, and family. My dad and his wife hit the nail on the head this year, with Uno Attack. We have played a bagillion rounds of this game, and the kids never get tired of it. It saved our sanity yesterday, when there was nothing to watch on TV, and there was nothing else to do, we got out Uno and could kill an hour easily.

I'm bored at work today, and lonely too. I miss catching up with all my friends, but I know that in the days to come that will happen. Almost done with this holiday season, and then we'll start a new year. The new year, will bring me a new life, a new home, a new place to live. Much to look forward to.

I just wish I could get rid of the post holiday blahs....

Christmas Recap

Christmas has come and gone at my house. The girls came home Christmas Eve afternoon, sick, very sick. But thank God for Motrin, and antibiotics, they are back among the land of the living.

With them being sick, I truly expected them to sleep at least until the butt crack of noon. My brother and sister and I were always up early Christmas morning. I mean, the clock struck 6:00 AM, we're knocking on the parents' bedroom door. My kids, who don't get excited about Christmas, don't get up early. I still do, even now. In years past, I've had to wake them up at 8:00 because I couldn't wait any longer for them to get up and open presents. So, imagine my surprise when this year, the girls were up and ready to open presents at 6:30, even though they felt and looked like death warmed over.

It was a good Christmas, even though it was small. Christmas with my dad on Friday night, brought the girls new clothes, new shoes, new boots (which the love). Bo got legos, and a RC Hummer H3. I got an awesome Kasey Kahne Sweatshirt (that I picked out myself...) and we all got our usual gifts from him, new journals, and Uno Attack. Tonight he's taking us out to dinner, before he and his wife leave town, to go have Christmas with more family.

I got a new coffee mug from Newt, and really cool green ink pen from Tate. And wreaths made out of melted hard candy.

Batman spent the weekend, sick, running a fever. Even though he talked about coming up to spend some time with us this weekend, he just couldn't muster it. He was too sick, and with the girls being sick too, he opted to stay home. He did call, several times every day this weekend, and I know that soon, we will find time to get together.

Friday night we will have Christmas again, this time with my mother, sister, brother and families. Then we will be done with Christmas, gifts, wrapping, buying, exchanging.

Hope everyone had a great Christmas!

My Holiday Letter to my Friends and Family.

The kids will be home tonight, we will go to sleep tonight knowing Santa will visit some time, and we will wake with presents under the tree. This year, Santa was poor, but will provide goodies for entertainment tomorrow and those memories will be better than anything we unwrap.

B is sick, sick, sick. Fever, chills, blah, sick. I'm thinking my Christmas Day with him, won't be happening, but not because he or I don't want it. The damn flu has him in it grip and I don't think it will be letting go any time soon. I'll wait. Believe me I'll wait.

I am visiting friends blogs today, and sending emailed Holiday Wishes to all my internet friends. May you find lots of goodies under the trees you visit this holiday season, but may the best gifts of all be the love and laughter and joy and memories from friends and family. Tell everyone you love, I love you, hug them a little tighter, laugh a little louder, smile a little bigger, and have another cookie. It's Christmas, a time for love and laughter, friends and family.

Happy Holidays to all my friends and family out there. I love you all. Thank you for all you have done for me and mine, for all you've offered, for all you've shared, for all you've given.

12 weeks

I took the girls to their father's yesterday, so that they could celebrate Christmas with his family, and have Christmas with him today, as they will be with me tomorrow.

He told me there is an update on his brother. Yes, it was his twin brother who plead guilty to sexual misconduct and assault, because he inappropriately touched his teenage step-daughter. Apparently as part of his probation, and because he now has to register as a sex offender, he is not allowed to be around anyone under the age of 18 without a 'supervisor' who has attended special training. The course is 12 weeks long, and The Slug will be attending this. So, until that course is completed by Slug, his brother will not have any contact with my girls (supervised or otherwise) at all. That's 12 weeks.

Now, because the boys are twins (identical mirror image) The Slug sometimes catches hell from people in town, who confuse him for Uncle J. So, this conviction has effected everyone's life.

Apparently TD is involved with someone older than she is. (According to The Slug, she is 'messing around' with BD, who is a friend of the boys, and is 29) If that is the case, why isn't the family reporting him and pressing charges against him? After all, it's still illegal for him to be with TD because she is still under age.

Christmas was celebrated at Slug's mom's yesterday, for the family (the 3 brothers and their families) except that Uncle J could not attend. He spent the entire day in his camper, away from the family. He can't celebrate Christmas with his wife, with his neices, with his brothers, with his nephew. I understand that this is his own doing, he brought this on himself, by doing what he did. Still, it's hard to imagine sitting there, knowing the family is in the house, right beside the camper he's living in, and he can't be there to celebrate with them.

What he did was wrong, in so many ways, on so many levels. I don't argue that. I am cautious about his contact with me girls. But because he is who he is, I have not raised 7 kinds of hell about him. But I am ever vigilant, and cautious and have told the girls the truth and explained things to them, so they are aware.

Who would have thought life could turn out this way? Who could have seen this? Surely not me. But for now, at least for the next 12 weeks, I don't have to worry about the girls and Uncle J. There's some relief in that, to be sure.

Christmas Wishes

I wish you could hear what you won't let me say,
I wish you could say, what I'd give anything to hear.
Three simple words, not much really, but would change my life.
All I want now is those.



*He called me Friday night after work, on our way home. We were talking about our weekend/holiday plans and schedule. I have my kids Christmas Day, he has his Christmas Eve. I told him he was welcome to come hang out with us, that he was always welcome anytime. He said he knew that, and that he just might come up Christmas Day. (And a chorus of Angels let loose with
Hallelujah! It's about time!)

Today he called, and said he was not feeling good, running a fever. You know what? It's all good. If I see him Monday, great, if not, well, it will be soon. We're dating after all.... LOL

Happy Holidays Everyone!

All I have to say is.....

We're dating!

I have an email from him that says "Scooter is going to be at the house tomorrow so I would need to come there. He is on this I-don't-want-to-see-Dad-or-Mom-dating kick."

And me being there would constitute a date.......

I'll take it. It's good for a couple of pounds, at least.

And that my friends, is the best god damned Christmas present I could hope for!

5 pounds...Now 7..Do I hear 10?

Ok, Sunday, B told me he would like to see me put on some weight, like 5 pounds. Truth of the matter is, he would really like to see 10 on me, but was diplomatic enough to split the difference with me and agree to 5. (smart man he is).

Of course, you would think that would be easy enough to do, especially this time of year, with all the cookies, candy, goodies and treats being brought into the office Every. Single. Day. This. Week. And of course, all of them being set in the empty office right across the hall from me, well, I have easy access All. Day. Long.

So, I stepped on the scale today, and well, came to the realization that the 5 pounds B would like to see on me, should now in reality be 7. Somehow, I have managed to lose 2 pounds this week. Lost them. Gone. Poof.

This is not going the way it's supposed to go.

I don't have a cutesy title for this post....

Christmas starts for us tonight. Dinner and gifts with my father and his wife. I know there will laughter and fun, and love and joy tonight. And I will feel like an outsider looking in, because I just can't get into the holiday spirit this year. I just can't get excited, I just can't celebrate. I will fake it, gloriously, but inside I will hurt and miss him. I will smile, and laugh and from the outside I will look happy. The tears will be falling like rain inside, and my heart won't be in it, it will be with him.

I can't let go. I can't get him out of my head, or my heart, not even now. He told me yesterday he wants me, he wants to see me, spend time with me, and knows I want to be with him. Things are just crazy for him right now. He's working 11 hour days by himself, and has been for 2 weeks or longer now. There is an hour drive to work, and an hour home. There are schedules to be juggled, kids to spend time with, family celebrations to attend, and shopping to do, gifts to be wrapped. There are a million demands being made on him, and there is precious little of him to go around.

I always knew we wouldn't have this Christmas together. Don't ask me how I knew, but I knew. When his father would tell me about Christmas Eve dinner, I knew in my heart, I wouldn't be there to share it with them this year. When my brother asked me in September if B would be with us at Christmas, I told him "Yes" because I wanted to believe he would be, but in my heart, I knew at that exact minute, I was lying. Don't ask me how I knew, and believe me I wanted to be wrong.

I know that we have a future together, just like I've known other things all along. We have both seen it, in our heads, in our hearts. We've talked about it, we both wanted it. I still see it, I see new visions of our future. They are enough to hope for.

Christmas miracles. They're special, right? They happen, don't they? Have I used up my quota of miracles? I hope not. I just want one more.

Too many demands, not enough man

There have been several emails shared between us today. I can tell he's exhausted, and stressed, and there is very little left of him to give. I am willing to wait for him to recharge his batteries, even if that means it takes 2 weeks. As long as I know that some time, in the future, when he's 'back among the land of the living' there will be some time for us, I'm willing to give him the time and space he needs now.

I say that, and write that, as if I actually have a choice in the matter. Truth is, I don't. Whether I'm willing or not, he will take what he needs. He needs time, he needs space, he needs sleep, rest, he needs a break. None of which are in sight at this point. He will take them when he can get them, and if given a choice between spending time with me, and getting what he needs, the needs will win out, hands down.

To love him, means to give him what he needs most. If I smother him, he will just run farther and farther away. If you love something set it free, if it comes back to you it was meant to be. Sometimes the best way to hold on to something is with an open hand. You can hold more water or sand in an open hand than you can in a clenched fist. Time to open the hand, and trust he will do what he needs to do for himself, and when there's enough of him to give, he will. Right now, there are so many demands being made on him, there is nothing left to give. He's being pulled in too many directions, and I need to realize I was selfishly making demands on him, demand he could not meet.

I heard what you couldn't say today, B. I get it. I wish I could help, but I can't. Know that I would if I could, and all you have to do is ask. Take care of you, deal with the family, love the kids, and know that I'll be right here, when there is enough of you to go around my way. As long as I know I have 'someday' (and I know that I do), I'll wait for someday.

Damn her

Looks like Britney is working against me, and leaving me out here to suffer my embarassment alone. For once she's dressed, and completely covered up! Damn it!

Patience

I got an email from him! It's simple, it's short, he's working alone again today, so he's busy, he's stressed, but he sent an email.

Take it for what it's worth, and leave it alone. Don't push for more.....It will happen, in it's own time.

Christmas Starts Tomorrow Night

Tomorrow our holiday celebrations begin. After work tomorrow night, I have to pick up the kids, pay the sitter, and rush home, as my father and his wife will be showing up for dinner and Christmas with the kids! Saturday morning I will be taking Bo to get his ear pierced as one of his gifts. The kids will then go back to the dads Saturday afternoon. I will get them all back Sunday, Christmas Eve night, so that they can wake up to presents under the tree Christmas morning.

Bo will be leaving around 2:30 Christmas afternoon, to go to his PawPaw's house for Christmas. The girls will be with me all next week. Bo will be back on the 27th, for Christmas with my mother. We will be having Christmas again with my mom on the 29th or 30th, b/c my brother and sister-in-law will be in town those two.

I need a board like they have at airports just to keep schedules of kids coming and going straight. I have incoming kids at this time on this day, and outgoing kids on this day at this time. I'm busier than O'Hare Airport this time of year. Thank God it only comes once a year, and is usually over in a week.

I have a secret

I have a secret.
Don't ask me, I won't tell
It's mine, all mine, nobody else can know.

I have a secret.

Don't mind me

Don't mind me, I'll be over here in the corner, hiding my head, wishing I could crawl into a hole somewhere and disappear.

Things are fine. He took the day off yesterday (His birthday, go figure) and well, he called me when I got off work. To be honest, things are not perfect, but they are not as bad as my imagination dreamed up. God sometimes I hate my overthinking mind.

Thank you Tennessee Becky for offering support and encouragement via emails. Thanks MS for doing everything in your power to pull my head out of my ass when I was hell bent on keeping it stuck squarely up there. You were right, and I was being stupid, insecure and psycho. Thank you for allowing me to drive you insane, and therefore not push or bombard him. I promise I will back off today, and give you a drama free day.

Now, I'm going to take my embarassed self off somewhere and hide until my temporary insanity is forgotten. (I wonder what Britney's been up to lately, surely she's done something much more embarassing than me. Yup, proof is in the picture!)

What is meant to be......

The silence from him today is deafening. I continue to remind myself that I have done nothing wrong, and that he told me last night he was not upset with me. There are so many things said and done in the past week,that I should be able to find something to cling to, but right now, my faith is weak, and the doubts are strong.

I’ve been here before. Wanting answers to questions, and assuming I already knew the answers. I went looking for the proof to support the answers I thought I already knew. I was wrong then, and it cost me everything. I won’t go looking for answers now, because really, the answers have to come from him. No other answers matter. I learned a hard hard lesson back then, but I learned it. I will not go looking for answers, I will trust in him, trust in us, and believe that things are fine, until he tells me otherwise.

They say that faith the size of a mustard seed can move mountains, if you truly believe. Apparently it can’t send emails, text messages or make phone calls. So, I wait, and I try to distract myself, and I wait, and I offer up prayers to whatever higher power is out there listening to me.

When it comes to Batman, hasn’t everything worked out so far? Haven’t we been to hell and back, and we’re still here, still connected? It may not be on my time, but it’s worked out. Why would I think this would be any different?

I am waiting. I am sick of waiting, and sick to my stomach over this. There will be no weight gain today. The 5 pounds he wants to see, are as elusive as ever today. In fact, I may have taken a step backwards as I’ve been too upset to eat all day.

My heart has been at LeMay Ferry all day today, whether he knows it or not, whether he wants it or not. Time, it seems that’s all I have, for now. I want him, I want to know he’s ok, I want to know we’re ok. (I want to smack EW upside the head and ask her WTF were you thinking? Except that I genuinely like EW. And even I don’t know what happened.) I continue to wait. What is meant to be will always find it's way. The broken road will lead me back to him.

Waiting is driving me crazy

This new silent treatment that he has imposed today, is driving me insane because I know in my heart of hearts I have done nothing wrong. He's just shut himself off from almost everyone and I worry about him.

The fight with EW must have been incredible yesterday.....

Birthday Wishes

It's his birthday today! I have left a message, telling him Happy Birthday. I have a gift for him as well, but it will be on his time. Things are not good in his world right now. Not sure what is wrong, but I have an idea.

My heart is at LeMay Ferry right now, wishing I could make things right in his world again, but knowing this is just another step we (he) have to go through, more issues that need to be dealt with.

My patience is being put to the test today, but I am trusting him, which is an improvement over my past. I am not jumping to conclusions, I am not bombarding him with messages, but I am sending good vibes his way.

And Waiting.

Happy Birthday Batman. I hope it gets better.....

Still Waiting

I don't know what happened yesterday, but apparently EW struck with amazing force.

I still don't know what will be 'worth my while' and I'm not sure I'll be finding out any time soon. He told me yesterday he would tell me yesterday afternoon, but that was before EW struck. I don't know what happened, but I know he was PISSED, even at 5:00. So pissed he didn't want to talk to anyone.

He's not answering phone calls today, or emails. So, I am constantly telling myself "You've done nothing wrong. He's not mad at you. Don't push, trust, relax, give him space" but yeah, it's hard to believe. It's hard to relax and trust when I know something is wrong....even though it's not between us.

So, I wait, still. Wait. Trust. Pray. Hope. It will all be OK in the end, if it's not OK, it's not the end.

Today's Horoscope, take it for what it's worth

When a necessary piece of luck comes along at the right time, don't send it out to be analyzed. Looking for the why and how this happened (and how you can make it happen again) will only frustrate you.

That is easier said than done, for me at least. If you know me even barely, you know I have an overthinking mind. I analyze everything. I drive myself insane, and wear myself out, and yet, some times, I am helpless to stop myself.

Nestea Plunge life. Let it go. Some times when you let go of the wheel you end up right where you belong. Accept it for what it is, nothing more and nothing less.

12:00 Noon....still no word.....

He told me this morning, he would email me today. He would finally figure out exactly what would be 'worth my while'.

Patience has never been a virture of mine.......