I am lonely. I miss him

Today, I am lonely, and I miss him. I know that he's at home with Princess and Scooter, and that all is well there. I talked to him yesterday, and am sure I will talk to him later today. But right now, I miss him.

It's New Year's Eve. Something I can easily forget if I don't think about it. Still, I wanted to end this year, start the next one with him. He told me once, that he would have liked to spend NYE with me, but he's got the kids.

(Emails from 12/15)
So, you gonna make me wait 3 weeks till I see you again? God I hope not
Let me see how things plan out. these next couple of weeks are going to be crazy but I hope not
uh, maybe I don't want to know, but do you have plans for New Year's Eve?
I have the kids new years
well crap damn fart
Sorry I would very much like to see you then.

So, I know that he would have liked to see me today, but the kids are there. I talked to him Friday, and well, he promised we'd get together this week.

I keep telling myself, that it's all going to be ok in the end. I still have birthday gifts and Christmas gifts to deliver to him. Hell, I still have things, clothes, toothbrush, shower gel, all kinds of things at his house, in his room. There is always hope. But none of that eases the lonliness of today. None of that brings him to me or me to him. The distance is still there, and today I feel it, a 100 times I feel it.

I am just lonely today. I miss him. I want to be there with him.

Ramdom purgings from my head today

Christmas last night with my family was a lot of fun. The beer was a huge success and got a great laugh from my brother. It was good to get to spend time with him, but as always, it was too short, and too fast and never enough.

Wide awake this morning at 4:30 (Batman alarm time) and at 5:00 I gave up the fight, and got out of bed. Made coffee, and looked at the pictures taken last night. By 6:00 Newt had joined me and since I had help, I jumped on the energy that had been bubbling under the surface, and down came the tree. Decorations off, lights off, all put away in boxes, and the tree taken down, and put in the box to be used again next year. Yes, it would have been easier to haul it to the curb, but it was raining and chilly this morning, so, into the box it went.

The holidays are over at my house, with the exception of finding places for the new goodies. With the kids gone this whole next week, I will have plenty of time to clean their rooms and sort the stuff out and find places for everything.

I have this urge, need, whatever you want to call it, to clean everything. Purge all of the old, unnecessary garbage and baggage from my life, and start the new year, lighter, happier, cleaner, fresher, freer from my past. I have freed myself from the forces of evil, now it's time to free myself from the reminders of love not found. Time to stop holding on to things that didn't work, that fell apart, that really didn't exist in the first place. When I step into my new life, I want to do it, as just me. Not me and parts of the Knuckleheads, or bits of Boo, or reminders of Mr. Wonderful. My new life will be me and my girls. I pray Batman will be there waiting.

I saw on the news last night that Saddam Hussein was hanged and is dead. To me it was really anticlimatic. Is there really a sense of justice for us? Maybe there is for the people of Iraq (I truly hope so) but does his death effect us in any way? I mean, we had already stripped him of his power, he was harmless (as long as he remained imprisoned). I know that he did some terrible things, and was horrible beyond belief, and the things he did to the people of his country were unthinkable. But does his death effect us in any way? I just find it hard to get worked up about it.

Not much to post today, I have too much energy and a too pressing need to get back to the house and work my way through the junk of my life. Time to free myself from all that has been holding me back, time to claim my entire life as my own.

Almost done

Another hour of work, then I'm done for the year. It will be a long 3 day weekend away from work. It will be an even longer week away from the kids. They will be gone until next Friday. Unfortunately, Batman has his kids this weekend, and the entire family has plans to go out of town to visit more family, so I will have no New Year's Eve date/kiss/ Nothing.

(me pouting)

So, I hope everyone out there has a safe and fun and wonderful New Year Celebration. Please be careful. I will be around some this weekend, (after that damn tree comes down!!!). Next year, is all about me and my girls!!

See things my way

Ha! Ha! I love it when karma comes back around and bites people in the ass. I love it even more when I have a hand in helping karma out.

Ok, so we all know about the court date fiasco of yesterday. Nothing like a unpaid hour of my day lost to put a great big smile on my face and charity in my heart. He did talk to his lawyer, and there were a few odds and ends that needed to be tied up so we handled that via emails. (always good to have shit in writting). So, I took that opportunity to broach the child support issue.

Me: ok, so, since we don't have a court ruling, or a new court order, child support will still be $350 for January b/c that's the court order we have right now.

C1: $350 for January and $175 from February 1st to May 1st. That is the equivalent of $175 a month for six months.

Me: We agreed to 6 months child support. It is not my fault your lawyer scheduled a court date when there were no judges sitting and the courts could not rule on the new parenting plan. Why should I have to pay for your attorney's screw up?

C1: This was not my attorney's fault. There were a lot of cases that got messed up, ours was not the only one. This was the court's doing not my attorney. What you asked for was 6 payments of $175 which comes to $1,050. However, due to the fact that I couldn't get a hold of my attorney before the 28th to get the papers drawn up, I'll go ahead and give you $350 in January and then 5 payments of $175 for a total of $1,225.


I so love it when things go my way. Of course, when you threaten to take a whole of their money and make it your money, ex husbands have a tendency to see things your way.

See, C1 didn't pay child support for the first 5 yrs after our divorce. I can go back and collect that unpaid child support clear up until the day Bo turns 18 (that's 5 years folks). AND at the time of the divorce the state said that he was to pay $612/mo for Bo, but we settled on $350. I reminded him that over the past 11 years, we can safely assume your income has increased significantly. Correct?
Yeah.
And can we also assume that over the past 11 years, Bo's expenses have significantly increased as well?
Uh, yeah, I guess.
OK, then, let's review, your income increased, and Bo's expenses increased, but my child support did not increase, correct?
Uh yeah.
I can go back and get those increases if you would like for me to. And I can drag this whole modification through the court system for months and months to come, meaning you would pay me at least $350/mo until it's settled, vs the $350 for January plus the $175 for the remaining 5 months.

When it's put that way, the $350/mo and $175/mo through June doesn't sound half bad.

Why?

Why can't I have him? I got everything else I wanted this year. I got my girls. I've settled things with C1. I got my freedom. I found my backbone. I got my Nikon. I am standing on my own 2 feet. The only thing missing is....

Him.

Why can't I have him too? He hints around at it. He implies there is a possibility. He offers hope. But right now, falls just short of following through. Why can't I have him?

He's the only thing left on my wish list. Is it too much to ask for just one more Christmas miracle?

Christmas tonight with my little brother

Tonight will be Christmas with my family. Looking forward to seeing my brother and SIL tonight. That's always a good time. There will be side splitting laughter tonight, laughing so hard I can't catch my breath and tears rolling down my face. God I love him.

I got him the perfect Christmas/Birthday present this year too. I searched high and low for something for him. He's BIG into NASCAR, but I am always afraid I will buy him something he already has, so I shy away from that. Besides the only thing I could get him that he doesn't already have would be tickets to the Daytona 500, and thoses bad boys are MINE!

So this year, I found him the perfect present. One I know he will love, one I know he will use, and one I know he will enjoy. Yup, I bought the boy some beer! I got him a 20-pack of Bud Select. (uh, does that make us rednecks? Or Poor White trash? Gawd, I hope not!)

When I shared this little tidbit of info with Lil Sis, I got this response : LMAO. Nice. I got him a very interesting book on Guitars. But I'm not sure he reads. I mean, I know he CAN read, but I'm not sure he does. Eh well, if not, it'll make a nice coaster for the beer.

See what I'm saying about laughing my ass off? I can't wait.

Not Looking back, been there done that

2006 is almost over. Everyone (ok, a lot of people) will be looking back at the past 12 months. I don't want to. I don't want to look back and see the insanity, the drama, the crap, the chaos, the bullshit I have put up, lived through, dealt with this year. I don't want to go back through that hell again, not even in my mind. I am almost free of it's death grip on my life, and well, I don't want to remember or be reminded. I know that I am almost free. My nightmare is almost over. I don't want to remember how weak, how vulnerable, how gullable I was. I have found my strength. I will cling to it.

I don't want to look back at what I thought was love, but wasn't. I learned a lot from them, but I don't want to go back and relive it. It's important to learn the lesson, leave the baggage. I don't want to be reminded of how desperate I was to make something out of nothing.

I don't want to look back at what I once had, but no longer do. What we shared is over. It's not to say there won't be more, but what was is no more. It hurts to look back just yet. Maybe someday, but not yet. I focus on here and now, today, what I have right now. The hope and promise of tomorrow, the acceptance of today.

I don't want to look back over my shoulder at what was. It's not worth looking back at. Not when I have so much What Will Be to look forward too. The past is just a memory now, the furture holds promises of so much more, full of hope, and promise, and freedom. I'm looking forward to my future, my new life. I'm leaving this one behind. I don't need to look at where I've been, I know where I've been, I was there. I'm looking at where I'm going, what's ahead. It's so much brighter there.

My predicament

The Christmas tree is coming down this weekend if not sooner. My question is this: Do I take the decorations off, take the lights off, take the tree apart, and put everything away in their respective boxes? OR do I take the decorations off, and chuck the tree lights and all and buy all new stuff next year?

Oh, don't get me wrong, there is nothing wrong with the tree, it's in great shape, probably only 3 years old, if that. Lights are great too. I just don't want to mess with it. Hell, I'd pay someone to come in and take the damn thing down (down, as in apart or down, as in down the hill to the dumpster) whatever it takes to make it go away.

Christmas has been here, now it's gone. I'm not sure I ever really got into the Christmas spirit this year. I tiptoed around it, I teetered on the edge, but I never really got excited about it. And the thought of celebrating, yeah, just didn't thrill me. And OMG forget the shopping. ARG!

I'm just ready to get on with life, get on with stuff. Leave Christmas in the dust. I'm tired of looking back, I've got too much to look forward to right now......

Conversation in a van this morning.....

ME: Hey girls, do you know what today is?

Tate: No, what? Thursday?

ME: Yeah, smart a$$ it's Thursday, but it's Uncle S's birthday today!

Tate: Cool, we should get him a card

Newt: Why bother? We haven't even gotten his Christmas present yet.

My Brother is grown up, when the hell did that happen?

It's my brother's birthday today. Yeah, not sure what I'm going to get him, the brat just got a new truck for Christmas, how the hell do you top that? (oh, yeah, you get him a Dodge ---wingnut bought a...something else).

It's hard to believe he's 36 this year. That's a whole lot closer to 40 than I would like him to be (considering I'm between him and 40, that makes me tooo damn close to 40). Sometimes in my mind, in my head, and my heart, he's still my little brother, and I still feel the need (urge) to go before him and clear the path for him, like I did in college. Guess what? Bud doesn't need anyone to clear a path for him. (He's tall enough he can see over anything in his way....)

I'm proud as hell of him. His childhood, much like mine, was less than ideal. I don't know what he remembers of it, but I remember it being ok to call him names. Dad said it would make him stronger, tough, build character. Yeah, I see that it stole his self esteem. He went to college because Dad wanted him to, and he stayed in 4 years without a degree, because he didn't feel there were any options for him. But he hated it. Dad had spent Bud's life telling him 'No son of mine will go into the military.'

But when Dad broke one of his own cardinal rules (he had an affair, and ultimately divorced our mother) and betrayed Bud, well, Bud finally figured it was ok for him to break one of the cardinal rules too. As a way to get away from the mess of our parents divorce, and as an act of rebellion and defiance, Bud joined the military. In the 13 years he's been in, he's done amazing things. He has found his voice, found his worth, and found himself. It's funny, Dad never thought Bud would amount to much, and so Bud did exactly what Dad had spent his life telling him he couldn't do, and Bud excelled amounted to a hell of a lot.

I say the words every time we talk on the phone (and that has been with much more frequency lately, for which I'm very glad) but I want you to know that I really do love you, and I am terribly proud of you. You have been a wonderful source of support and understanding these past few months. You've listened without judging, you've offered adivice, you've offered to kick some ass, and you were there for me when I needed a shoulder to cry on. Thank you for growing up to be a wonderful man, and for being not only my brother but my defender, my champion and my friend.

I love you S. A. Pecan W. (and you know what I'm saying here....)

Some times, Fate smiles on me in such a way

As any of you who read this blog on a semi regular basis knows, I am dealing with 2 custody modifications for my kids. The girls’ has been settled, and we have a court date for the judge to rule on it, and we will be done. Bo’s on the other hand has been anything but easy.

When I was served the papers, and read them, I could have fallen out of my chair in total and complete disbelief. The accusations put forth in the modification were so completely absurd, they were beyond ridiculous. He was claiming that I was bi-polar with a long-standing history of refusing to take my medication. He claimed that I was physically abusive to Bo, and that Bo lived in constant fear for his life. There were more, lots more, demands and accusations. Crazy really.

I knew that fighting the charges and the allegations would take a lot of time, and a lot of money and would put Bo through a harrowing, nasty, bitter, ugly custody battle, where he would be forced to chose sides. All of which I didn’t have and didn’t want. So I set about trying to reach an agreement with Bo’s father.

He reached a quasi agreement, for 30 days, during which time we could hammer out the details of a new parenting plan. C1 readily agreed Bo should live with him for 30 days, but staunchly refused to discuss any terms of a new parenting plan.

Then I get a letter from his attorney stating we have a court date. WHOA! WTF is this? I’m being set up, I’m being ambushed. So I called C1 and for over an hour we fight over the phone about the modifications. During the course of the fight, he told me, “The only reason I am doing this, the only reason I filed this modification is because when I asked you about how serious you were with Batman, you told me it was none of my business. Had you just talked to
me, I would have been glad to work with you. As it is, I’m not willing to work with you at all.” Hey, as long as you’re doing this because you truly believe this is in Bo’s best interest, and not because you want to prove to me how big of a dick you can be, great. At least Bo’s best interest is at the root of this shit.

Then he told me, “Look, I’m not going to agree to what you want. If you think the stuff in this modification is over the top, you should know, that I’m being extremely generous here. My lawyer told me, nay advised me to ask for much much more, and demand much more. I’m being lenient at best. And if you want to fight this, I promise you I will be a bigger ass and I will ask for the moon and the stars, and I will make your life a living hell.” Ok, well, there’s a not so subtly veiled threat.

Finally I told him, Look, if you want this settled and done, this month, then you will accept what I’m agreeing to, have your lawyer write up a new parenting plan, and I’ll sign it. Done. We reached an agreement that was far from fair, but I love my son more than his father, and I took one up the ass to prevent Bo from being drug through a bitter nasty custody battle, because that is exactly what his father was promising was coming. Not because it was in Bo’s best interest, but because he wanted to get back at me.

So, today was our court date. The lawyer still has not drawn up the new parenting plan that we’ve agreed to. I still have no papers to sign, and I went to the court house today, ready to explain to the judge, C1 and I had an agreement (and I had the email to prove it) but the attorney hasn’t drawn up the papers yet. I was hoping the judge would listen and an agreement would be reached.

Funny thing. I got to the courthouse, found the courtroom, and it was dark, empty. No one was there. Uh, we have a court date in 5 minutes, shouldn’t people be here? People like a judge, the stenographer, uh, some staff? So, I find the judge’s secretary, and she tells me that Judge J will not be in today. That C1’s attorney had scheduled a court date on a day when the judge was not even in court. (This attorney is sounding like a regular Einstein).

So, there was no court date today, the judge can not, will not rule on it today. In fact, it won’t be heard this month or this year. So, that means, that come January 1, C1 will have to pay me the full child support amount because there will not be a new court order with a different amount. HA! Gotta love that!!!!!

I asked God/Fate whoever ‘Please don’t let me get ambushed or screwed over today in court. Please let things fall into place, let the agreement we’ve reached stand. Please let things go my way today.’ Yeah, I think they went my way, and then some.

2006 The List

1) What did you do in 2006 that you’d never done before? I found my backbone, I stood up to the Slug, I got sole custody of my girls, and I took control of my life. In the process I drove to Ohio with the kids to visit my dad.

2) Did you keep your new year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year? I don’t know if I made any resolutions last year. So, if I did, I don’t think I kept them. Oops!

3) Did anyone close to you give birth? Uh, no, not that I’m aware of.

4) Did anyone close to you die? Yeah, the sitter’s husband, and the supervisor of the body shop at the car dealership where I used to work.

5) What countries did you visit? Countries? Yeah, I can’t afford to pay attention, you think I’m a world traveler?

6) What would you like to have in 2007 that you lacked in 2006? More $$, but really, I’m not sure, exactly. What I lacked in 06, I’m working towards getting right now.

7) What dates from 2006 will remain etched upon your memory, and why? August 2, the day I met Batman, August 14th, the first time we said I love you,

8) What was your biggest achievement of the year? Getting custody of the girls.

9) What was your biggest failure? The relationship with my son, but I’m working on that so that it won’t be a complete failure.

10) Did you suffer illness or injury? Nope, pretty healthy,

11) What was the best thing you bought? My Nikon D70 from Mel. I love it, and next year (07) I hope to explore my photography even more, and hopefully do something with it…..

12) Whose behavior merited celebration? Mine! I have been through hell this year, especially the last have of the year, and I stood firm, I didn’t crumble, I didn’t break down. I found strength I didn’t know I had, and I have not only survived, I’ve triumphed.

13) Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed? C1, and The Slug, oh, and the Heifer, and ExBIL

14) Where did most of your money go? Apparently out the freakin’ door, to other people. Hope they enjoyed it. I miss it.

15) What did you get really, really, really excited about? The way things started to fall into place for me.

16) What song will always remind you of 2006? I have a whole sound track for this year……

17) Compared to this time last year, are you
a) happier or sadder? Happier about some things, sadder about others
b) thinner or fatter? Truly, about the same.
c) richer or poorer? Uh, I’m not sure, probably pretty damn close

18) What do you wish you’d done more of? Explored my photography,

19) What do you wish you’d done less of? Worrying

20) How will you be spending Christmas? I spent Christmas Day with my kids, and on the phone several times with B, and family and friends. I will have Christmas with my mother/brother/sister and families on Friday

21) Did you fall in love in 2006? I most certainly did, I am still in love with him,

22) How many one-night stands? None.

23) What was your favorite TV program? NASCAR on the weekends, Cardinals Baseball when they played and How I met your mother and Two and a Half Men.

24) Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year? Uh, nope, still hate the same people, pretty much.

25) What was the best book you read? I’ve read so many books, I can’t tell you the best one, I don’t remember them all.

26) What was your greatest musical discovery? Puddle of Mudd, All American Rejects, and the best of the best, was Back to Basics.

27) What did you want and get? Sole custody of my girls and permission from the courts, and The Slug, to move this summer to start over, fresh. In essence, I got my life free from him. Finally.

28) What did you want and not get? I don’t know that I won’t get it, but as of today, I don’t officially have Batman back in my life.

29) What was your favorite film of this year? I’m not sure. Didn’t do that many movies this year, at least not that many I can remember.

30) What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you? (how sad is it that I had to go back in the archives of my blog to see what I did for my birthday this year? Pretty damn uneventful) I turned 38 in July, and I went to a bar-b-que with a friend from my past.

31) What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying? It’s turning out to be pretty damn satisfying the way it’s going to end.

32) How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2006? Whatever works.

33) What kept you sane? My family, my blog, my journals, and at times, Batman. He was/is the calm in my storms, he’s home to me.

34) Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most? Uh, what? I don’t know….

35) What political issue stirred you the most? Because of the politics of my family, I try to stay out of it.

36) Who did you miss? I’m not sure.

37) Who was the best new person you met? All of Batman’s family. Princess loves so completely, with her entire heart. And feeling her little arms wrap around my neck heals my hurts, dries my tears, and makes me smile. Scooter is an amazing kid, who is smart as hell, courageous beyond words, really cool, and all around great guy. Mimi could have been/will be a dream of a MIL. She’s funny, she’s loving, she’s caring, she’s honest. She knows how much I love B, and she loves me and my kids. Mr. E (B’s dad) is a dream. I could talk to him for hours/days and never grow tired or be bored. He’s smart, and witty, and charming as hell. And the best damn cook I’ve ever met.

38) Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2006. I learned that sometimes you have to let go of the wheel to end up right where you belong. That control is an illusion, and the more you try to control life, and those in it, the less likely it is you will get the results you want. I’ve also learned that the results you want may not always be the results you get or the results you deserve or the best possible results. I learned seeing isn’t always believing that what you see isn’t always what you get.
39) Quote a song lyric that sums up your year. Every long lost dream led me to where you are. Other’s who broke my heart, they were like northern stars. Pointing me on my way, into your loving arms. This much I know is true. God bless the broken road that lead me straight to you.

Three Words

When I first met Batman, we spent the first week (?) maybe 10 days, talking on the phone, all the time. I remember when I fell in love with him. He had called me early one Saturday morning. He was camping with his kids, they were still asleep (I was too) but he called, said he wanted to wake up with me, start his day with me, even though we were over a hundred miles apart. We talked for 2 hours that morning. When I hung up the phone, I said to myself, "I love that man." and stopped dead in my tracks, because I never thought about it, I just said it, and knew it was true. I loved him.

It would be another 9 days before I would say "I love you" to him, but in those 9 days, the love I felt grew stronger, and I was never more sure of anything in my life. I would always think to myself after every phone conversation, "I love him".

Once we could say it to each other, I didn't have to think it, I could tell him, I could say it. And I did, tell him. I did say it. Often. Until things fell apart and he stopped saying it altogether. I continued to tell him for a few days, but it hurt too much to say "I love you" and have him answer with "I know you do." or nothing at all. So, I stopped. I stopped saying it, I even stopped thinking it. Those words ceased to exist for us, but I never stopped feeling it. The feelings never went away, just the words.

This week, things have changed again. I don't know how, I can't explain it, except that one night, (Friday, I think) after I got off the phone with him, I thought, "I love that man." all over again. The thought was just there, unprovoked, just there. It stopped me in my path, for a second. It was true, I was sure of it, but it was something that hadn't been there for a very long time. 'I love you' had come back into my thoughts.

I find myself now, telling him throughout the day, "I love you." in my head. I know that I can call him and tell him "I love you" and put voice to those words. I also know that he won't return the words. Maybe some day.

I would gain 10 pounds, 15 in necessary, without batting an eye, if I could just hear those words from him again. Not just once, but always. 3 words, 3 simple, impossible words.

The Heifer

The sitter took yesterday off as part of her Christmas vacation. Who can blame her? She just lost her husband right before Thanksgiving, and well, she could use some time off. So, since I had to work, the girls had to stay with The Heifer.

Since The Slug and I have come to an agreement about the girls, and custody, and my freedom to move, I have made a real, honest, effort to be nice to him, and accept Heifer as part of the package. But damn that bitch is making it impossible.

I got a phone call Christmas Eve from The Slug, the girls were sick. Very sick. They were running fevers, they had sore throats, and headaches. My advice? Give them some medicine, or bring them to me, and I’ll take care of them. He starts bitching “I haven’t had my Christmas with them yet, and I’m not going to give that up.” Fine. Then give them some medicine. In the background I hear that bitch yelling, “You two really need to take these girls to the ER right now. Don’t ask questions, just get them to the hospital!” Ok, bitch (and believe me there were other, more foul names spewing out of my mouth towards her at this point.) I am not taking them to the ER for a fever of 100.9 and a sore throat. But if you feel so strongly that they need to be there, feel free to take them yourself, AND pay the ER bill. No? Fine, shut the fuck up.

I did call the pediatrician, who did call in an antibiotic. I got the girls and got them well on their way to healthy.

Yesterday, The Heifer had to watch the girls again, b/c the sitter took the day off. Tate had wanted a particular hat for Christmas, and Santa being a bit on the broke side on occasion, didn’t get the exact hat she wanted, but did allow her to pick one out that was very similar. The deal with this hat is, it has a beer name on the front. It’s not big, it’s not bold, it’s not gaudy, but it is there. I have promised Tate we will get a cool patch and cover it, but in the meantime, she’ll just have to make do. So, she wears said hat to Heifer’s yesterday. And when Heifer sees the hat, she totally flips out and blows a freaking gasket over it. “Oh my freaking God! What kind of mother would allow her 9 year old daughter to wear a beer hat?” (uh, the one that gave birth to her. Who the fuck are you?) Gave Tate a complex right there on the spot, and made Tate so self conscious, she refuses to wear the hat.

Last night I was so livid, I was seeing red. Where the F@#k does that bitch get off making any kind of comment about my daughter and her hat? And where does she get off making Tate feel self conscious, and horrible about her Christmas gift? I called The Slug and told him, you better reign the bitch in and muzzle her because if you can’t do it I will. I am ready to put my size 8 right up her hoity toity ass, except there seems to be a huge ass stick already up there.

I will so glad when all things are said and done, and I can move the girls away from here. The Slug supposedly told The Heifer to move out That was March of this year. She’s still there. Of course she made promises, she bought things (cable, internet, a swimming pool, dogs, guns, a new truck, you name it), she offered sexual favors, she bribed, conjoled, manipulated, and has hid behind my girls (the girls don’t want me to leave, they love me) (yeah, my girls are vigorously shaking their heads NO behind her, giving themselves whiplash, and they are running to get boxes and suitcases and throwing her stuff into them) and managed to stay put, making my girls’ life there hell. They bitch for hours every time they come home from there. Slug has told me, that this year (2007) when she gets her tax money, she is moving out. Yeah, I heard that last year, and frankly I’ll believe it when I see the trash truck hauling her shit out the fucking door.

There is a light at the end of the tunnel for me and the girls. It’s still 6 months away, but I can see it there in the distance, on the horizon. There is hope in that penpoint of light, and I cling to it desperately. I live for that day, when I can load my life up in a truck and move to a new place, start a fresh new life, without The Slug, without the Heifer, without C1, without the drama, the stress the manipulations. I live for that day……

Finish the sentence

1. I've come to realize that my ex...are both an inexhaustable source of drama, stress, and reasons to bitch. Oh, and they are both complete brainless, spineless idiots.
2. I am listening to...two women in the next office discuss their holidays.
3. I talk...a lot.
4. I love...my kids.
5. My best friends...are fabulous.
7. I lost...a lot of unnecessary baggage this year, and that’s a good thing.
8. I hate it when people...break a promise.
9. Love is...a elusive thing.
10. Marriage is...an institution, but not one that I’m opposed to, just one I’m not in a hurry to commit myself to again right now.
11. Somewhere, someone is thinking...what’s for lunch.
12. I'll always be...older than my brother and sister.
13. I have a crush on...Johnny Depp and Orlando Bloom.
14. The last time I cried was because...I have so much going on in my life right now, and such a jumbled mix of emotions, I get overwhelmed with all I feel.
15. My cell phone...doesn’t get any reception while I’m at work.
16. When I wake up in the morning...it is always the same time, 4:30 AM.
17. Before I go to sleep at night...I say a prayer for all the people I love.
18. Right now I am thinking about...should I go tan at lunch, I’m looking really pasty and pale and blah…
19. Babies are...great, because now they are always someone else’s babies.
20. I get on myspace...about never, or next to it.
21. Today I...am bored at work, b/c everyone is off this week, and I miss talking to Batman, b/c he’s off the rest of the week too.
22. Tonight I will...take my girls to dinner and buy Christmas gifts for my nephews and my brother.
23. Tomorrow I will...come back here for more fun and games.
24. I really want...anyone who reads this blog, knows what I really want. Do I need to repeat it?

My new bling

Yeah, I know the picture sucks, it was taken in the mirro with my phone. But see that bling, in the top of my ear? Yeah, a new piercing. My Christmas present to me.

I 'marked' the celebration of my divorce with a belly ring, and I am marking the celebration of a new level of freedom from The Slug, and getting the girls, with my new ear ring.

I'm just saying.....

If you're going to allow your children to make up their own minds, make their own decisions, form their own opinions, then you should respect those wished, decisions, and opinions, even if (especially if) they are different than yours.

Imposing your wishes, wants, and desires on someone against their will is control in it's most basic and most cruel form. It teaches them that no matter what they want, it doesn't matter, you're going to steam roll right over them and do whatever you want anyway.

9 Days

I just found out that I have a court date with The Slug. January 4th. We have to appear before a judge and testify under oath that we agree to the proposed parenting plan we submitted to the courts. It should take no more than 15 minutes, and then, it will all be done.

It was 3 years ago I finally accepted that my marriage was over, there was nothing more I could do to save it, and trying to was killing me. My weight had reached an all time low of 98 pounds. And while a small part of me rejoiced in the fact I had finally 'made it' below 100, the logical survival part of me got scared and realized I had to change my life, or I wouldn't have a life to change.

The divorce was granted the following July, and even though the court granted me the freedom to live my life free from control, interference and manipulation from him, the reality of my life was far from that. He used the girls as pawns to control me, my actions, my life. He stalked me and everyone involved in my life. If I dated, he had them investigated, he drove by their homes, he watched and he waited. He made my life hell. and I was embarassed by him. I couldn't ask someone to take on his insanity, the drama he brought to my life, just because they had the misfortune to want to date me.

Batman changed that for me. He was worth fighting for. He mattered, he still matters. I couldn't allow The Slug to chase this one away. Plus, Batman could see him for what he was, and he showed me that while I had come to accept The Slugs behavior as a part of my life, I didn't have to. I could and needed to, put a stop to it. If I didn't I would lose Batman for sure. But beyond that, I needed to get my girls out of the hell their life had become.

9 Days left of this life, 9 days until I am given my life, the life I should have had all along. 9 Days and then they are mine, all mine. 9 days to freedom.

Post Holiday blahs, back at work, bored.

My Christmas vacation is over, back at work today. Except that very few people are here, and well, it's quiet and there's nothing to do. I just keep telling myself, cha-ching, I'm getting paid for this, so shut up and surf the web, post to your blog, read a book, and enjoy.

There have been several emails from my friend MS about our Christmas weekend. There has been utter silence from everyone else, so far. Eh, it's the day after Christmas, who in their right mind wouldn't be out there cashing in on all the great steals to be found today? If I didn't have the girls this morning, and if they hadn't been so sick this weekend, we would have hit one store this morning to see what treasures could be found.

Frankly, with the exception of the celebration at my mother's house this Friday, I am glad that Christmas is over. I will take my tree down this weekend, and put all the stuff away. I've just barely teetered on the edge of Christmas spirit this year, either from lack of money, excess of drama, or the uncertainty of where things stand in my life. I did what I could for the kids, and they didn't seem to notice or mind, or complain. But I remember Christmases of my childhood, and there was always more goodies under the tree than my children seem to have.

I know that Christmas isn't all about the presents under the tree, it's about love, and family. My dad and his wife hit the nail on the head this year, with Uno Attack. We have played a bagillion rounds of this game, and the kids never get tired of it. It saved our sanity yesterday, when there was nothing to watch on TV, and there was nothing else to do, we got out Uno and could kill an hour easily.

I'm bored at work today, and lonely too. I miss catching up with all my friends, but I know that in the days to come that will happen. Almost done with this holiday season, and then we'll start a new year. The new year, will bring me a new life, a new home, a new place to live. Much to look forward to.

I just wish I could get rid of the post holiday blahs....

Christmas Recap

Christmas has come and gone at my house. The girls came home Christmas Eve afternoon, sick, very sick. But thank God for Motrin, and antibiotics, they are back among the land of the living.

With them being sick, I truly expected them to sleep at least until the butt crack of noon. My brother and sister and I were always up early Christmas morning. I mean, the clock struck 6:00 AM, we're knocking on the parents' bedroom door. My kids, who don't get excited about Christmas, don't get up early. I still do, even now. In years past, I've had to wake them up at 8:00 because I couldn't wait any longer for them to get up and open presents. So, imagine my surprise when this year, the girls were up and ready to open presents at 6:30, even though they felt and looked like death warmed over.

It was a good Christmas, even though it was small. Christmas with my dad on Friday night, brought the girls new clothes, new shoes, new boots (which the love). Bo got legos, and a RC Hummer H3. I got an awesome Kasey Kahne Sweatshirt (that I picked out myself...) and we all got our usual gifts from him, new journals, and Uno Attack. Tonight he's taking us out to dinner, before he and his wife leave town, to go have Christmas with more family.

I got a new coffee mug from Newt, and really cool green ink pen from Tate. And wreaths made out of melted hard candy.

Batman spent the weekend, sick, running a fever. Even though he talked about coming up to spend some time with us this weekend, he just couldn't muster it. He was too sick, and with the girls being sick too, he opted to stay home. He did call, several times every day this weekend, and I know that soon, we will find time to get together.

Friday night we will have Christmas again, this time with my mother, sister, brother and families. Then we will be done with Christmas, gifts, wrapping, buying, exchanging.

Hope everyone had a great Christmas!

My Holiday Letter to my Friends and Family.

The kids will be home tonight, we will go to sleep tonight knowing Santa will visit some time, and we will wake with presents under the tree. This year, Santa was poor, but will provide goodies for entertainment tomorrow and those memories will be better than anything we unwrap.

B is sick, sick, sick. Fever, chills, blah, sick. I'm thinking my Christmas Day with him, won't be happening, but not because he or I don't want it. The damn flu has him in it grip and I don't think it will be letting go any time soon. I'll wait. Believe me I'll wait.

I am visiting friends blogs today, and sending emailed Holiday Wishes to all my internet friends. May you find lots of goodies under the trees you visit this holiday season, but may the best gifts of all be the love and laughter and joy and memories from friends and family. Tell everyone you love, I love you, hug them a little tighter, laugh a little louder, smile a little bigger, and have another cookie. It's Christmas, a time for love and laughter, friends and family.

Happy Holidays to all my friends and family out there. I love you all. Thank you for all you have done for me and mine, for all you've offered, for all you've shared, for all you've given.

12 weeks

I took the girls to their father's yesterday, so that they could celebrate Christmas with his family, and have Christmas with him today, as they will be with me tomorrow.

He told me there is an update on his brother. Yes, it was his twin brother who plead guilty to sexual misconduct and assault, because he inappropriately touched his teenage step-daughter. Apparently as part of his probation, and because he now has to register as a sex offender, he is not allowed to be around anyone under the age of 18 without a 'supervisor' who has attended special training. The course is 12 weeks long, and The Slug will be attending this. So, until that course is completed by Slug, his brother will not have any contact with my girls (supervised or otherwise) at all. That's 12 weeks.

Now, because the boys are twins (identical mirror image) The Slug sometimes catches hell from people in town, who confuse him for Uncle J. So, this conviction has effected everyone's life.

Apparently TD is involved with someone older than she is. (According to The Slug, she is 'messing around' with BD, who is a friend of the boys, and is 29) If that is the case, why isn't the family reporting him and pressing charges against him? After all, it's still illegal for him to be with TD because she is still under age.

Christmas was celebrated at Slug's mom's yesterday, for the family (the 3 brothers and their families) except that Uncle J could not attend. He spent the entire day in his camper, away from the family. He can't celebrate Christmas with his wife, with his neices, with his brothers, with his nephew. I understand that this is his own doing, he brought this on himself, by doing what he did. Still, it's hard to imagine sitting there, knowing the family is in the house, right beside the camper he's living in, and he can't be there to celebrate with them.

What he did was wrong, in so many ways, on so many levels. I don't argue that. I am cautious about his contact with me girls. But because he is who he is, I have not raised 7 kinds of hell about him. But I am ever vigilant, and cautious and have told the girls the truth and explained things to them, so they are aware.

Who would have thought life could turn out this way? Who could have seen this? Surely not me. But for now, at least for the next 12 weeks, I don't have to worry about the girls and Uncle J. There's some relief in that, to be sure.

Christmas Wishes

I wish you could hear what you won't let me say,
I wish you could say, what I'd give anything to hear.
Three simple words, not much really, but would change my life.
All I want now is those.



*He called me Friday night after work, on our way home. We were talking about our weekend/holiday plans and schedule. I have my kids Christmas Day, he has his Christmas Eve. I told him he was welcome to come hang out with us, that he was always welcome anytime. He said he knew that, and that he just might come up Christmas Day. (And a chorus of Angels let loose with
Hallelujah! It's about time!)

Today he called, and said he was not feeling good, running a fever. You know what? It's all good. If I see him Monday, great, if not, well, it will be soon. We're dating after all.... LOL

Happy Holidays Everyone!

All I have to say is.....

We're dating!

I have an email from him that says "Scooter is going to be at the house tomorrow so I would need to come there. He is on this I-don't-want-to-see-Dad-or-Mom-dating kick."

And me being there would constitute a date.......

I'll take it. It's good for a couple of pounds, at least.

And that my friends, is the best god damned Christmas present I could hope for!

5 pounds...Now 7..Do I hear 10?

Ok, Sunday, B told me he would like to see me put on some weight, like 5 pounds. Truth of the matter is, he would really like to see 10 on me, but was diplomatic enough to split the difference with me and agree to 5. (smart man he is).

Of course, you would think that would be easy enough to do, especially this time of year, with all the cookies, candy, goodies and treats being brought into the office Every. Single. Day. This. Week. And of course, all of them being set in the empty office right across the hall from me, well, I have easy access All. Day. Long.

So, I stepped on the scale today, and well, came to the realization that the 5 pounds B would like to see on me, should now in reality be 7. Somehow, I have managed to lose 2 pounds this week. Lost them. Gone. Poof.

This is not going the way it's supposed to go.

I don't have a cutesy title for this post....

Christmas starts for us tonight. Dinner and gifts with my father and his wife. I know there will laughter and fun, and love and joy tonight. And I will feel like an outsider looking in, because I just can't get into the holiday spirit this year. I just can't get excited, I just can't celebrate. I will fake it, gloriously, but inside I will hurt and miss him. I will smile, and laugh and from the outside I will look happy. The tears will be falling like rain inside, and my heart won't be in it, it will be with him.

I can't let go. I can't get him out of my head, or my heart, not even now. He told me yesterday he wants me, he wants to see me, spend time with me, and knows I want to be with him. Things are just crazy for him right now. He's working 11 hour days by himself, and has been for 2 weeks or longer now. There is an hour drive to work, and an hour home. There are schedules to be juggled, kids to spend time with, family celebrations to attend, and shopping to do, gifts to be wrapped. There are a million demands being made on him, and there is precious little of him to go around.

I always knew we wouldn't have this Christmas together. Don't ask me how I knew, but I knew. When his father would tell me about Christmas Eve dinner, I knew in my heart, I wouldn't be there to share it with them this year. When my brother asked me in September if B would be with us at Christmas, I told him "Yes" because I wanted to believe he would be, but in my heart, I knew at that exact minute, I was lying. Don't ask me how I knew, and believe me I wanted to be wrong.

I know that we have a future together, just like I've known other things all along. We have both seen it, in our heads, in our hearts. We've talked about it, we both wanted it. I still see it, I see new visions of our future. They are enough to hope for.

Christmas miracles. They're special, right? They happen, don't they? Have I used up my quota of miracles? I hope not. I just want one more.

Too many demands, not enough man

There have been several emails shared between us today. I can tell he's exhausted, and stressed, and there is very little left of him to give. I am willing to wait for him to recharge his batteries, even if that means it takes 2 weeks. As long as I know that some time, in the future, when he's 'back among the land of the living' there will be some time for us, I'm willing to give him the time and space he needs now.

I say that, and write that, as if I actually have a choice in the matter. Truth is, I don't. Whether I'm willing or not, he will take what he needs. He needs time, he needs space, he needs sleep, rest, he needs a break. None of which are in sight at this point. He will take them when he can get them, and if given a choice between spending time with me, and getting what he needs, the needs will win out, hands down.

To love him, means to give him what he needs most. If I smother him, he will just run farther and farther away. If you love something set it free, if it comes back to you it was meant to be. Sometimes the best way to hold on to something is with an open hand. You can hold more water or sand in an open hand than you can in a clenched fist. Time to open the hand, and trust he will do what he needs to do for himself, and when there's enough of him to give, he will. Right now, there are so many demands being made on him, there is nothing left to give. He's being pulled in too many directions, and I need to realize I was selfishly making demands on him, demand he could not meet.

I heard what you couldn't say today, B. I get it. I wish I could help, but I can't. Know that I would if I could, and all you have to do is ask. Take care of you, deal with the family, love the kids, and know that I'll be right here, when there is enough of you to go around my way. As long as I know I have 'someday' (and I know that I do), I'll wait for someday.

Damn her

Looks like Britney is working against me, and leaving me out here to suffer my embarassment alone. For once she's dressed, and completely covered up! Damn it!

Patience

I got an email from him! It's simple, it's short, he's working alone again today, so he's busy, he's stressed, but he sent an email.

Take it for what it's worth, and leave it alone. Don't push for more.....It will happen, in it's own time.

Christmas Starts Tomorrow Night

Tomorrow our holiday celebrations begin. After work tomorrow night, I have to pick up the kids, pay the sitter, and rush home, as my father and his wife will be showing up for dinner and Christmas with the kids! Saturday morning I will be taking Bo to get his ear pierced as one of his gifts. The kids will then go back to the dads Saturday afternoon. I will get them all back Sunday, Christmas Eve night, so that they can wake up to presents under the tree Christmas morning.

Bo will be leaving around 2:30 Christmas afternoon, to go to his PawPaw's house for Christmas. The girls will be with me all next week. Bo will be back on the 27th, for Christmas with my mother. We will be having Christmas again with my mom on the 29th or 30th, b/c my brother and sister-in-law will be in town those two.

I need a board like they have at airports just to keep schedules of kids coming and going straight. I have incoming kids at this time on this day, and outgoing kids on this day at this time. I'm busier than O'Hare Airport this time of year. Thank God it only comes once a year, and is usually over in a week.

I have a secret

I have a secret.
Don't ask me, I won't tell
It's mine, all mine, nobody else can know.

I have a secret.

Don't mind me

Don't mind me, I'll be over here in the corner, hiding my head, wishing I could crawl into a hole somewhere and disappear.

Things are fine. He took the day off yesterday (His birthday, go figure) and well, he called me when I got off work. To be honest, things are not perfect, but they are not as bad as my imagination dreamed up. God sometimes I hate my overthinking mind.

Thank you Tennessee Becky for offering support and encouragement via emails. Thanks MS for doing everything in your power to pull my head out of my ass when I was hell bent on keeping it stuck squarely up there. You were right, and I was being stupid, insecure and psycho. Thank you for allowing me to drive you insane, and therefore not push or bombard him. I promise I will back off today, and give you a drama free day.

Now, I'm going to take my embarassed self off somewhere and hide until my temporary insanity is forgotten. (I wonder what Britney's been up to lately, surely she's done something much more embarassing than me. Yup, proof is in the picture!)

What is meant to be......

The silence from him today is deafening. I continue to remind myself that I have done nothing wrong, and that he told me last night he was not upset with me. There are so many things said and done in the past week,that I should be able to find something to cling to, but right now, my faith is weak, and the doubts are strong.

I’ve been here before. Wanting answers to questions, and assuming I already knew the answers. I went looking for the proof to support the answers I thought I already knew. I was wrong then, and it cost me everything. I won’t go looking for answers now, because really, the answers have to come from him. No other answers matter. I learned a hard hard lesson back then, but I learned it. I will not go looking for answers, I will trust in him, trust in us, and believe that things are fine, until he tells me otherwise.

They say that faith the size of a mustard seed can move mountains, if you truly believe. Apparently it can’t send emails, text messages or make phone calls. So, I wait, and I try to distract myself, and I wait, and I offer up prayers to whatever higher power is out there listening to me.

When it comes to Batman, hasn’t everything worked out so far? Haven’t we been to hell and back, and we’re still here, still connected? It may not be on my time, but it’s worked out. Why would I think this would be any different?

I am waiting. I am sick of waiting, and sick to my stomach over this. There will be no weight gain today. The 5 pounds he wants to see, are as elusive as ever today. In fact, I may have taken a step backwards as I’ve been too upset to eat all day.

My heart has been at LeMay Ferry all day today, whether he knows it or not, whether he wants it or not. Time, it seems that’s all I have, for now. I want him, I want to know he’s ok, I want to know we’re ok. (I want to smack EW upside the head and ask her WTF were you thinking? Except that I genuinely like EW. And even I don’t know what happened.) I continue to wait. What is meant to be will always find it's way. The broken road will lead me back to him.

Waiting is driving me crazy

This new silent treatment that he has imposed today, is driving me insane because I know in my heart of hearts I have done nothing wrong. He's just shut himself off from almost everyone and I worry about him.

The fight with EW must have been incredible yesterday.....

Birthday Wishes

It's his birthday today! I have left a message, telling him Happy Birthday. I have a gift for him as well, but it will be on his time. Things are not good in his world right now. Not sure what is wrong, but I have an idea.

My heart is at LeMay Ferry right now, wishing I could make things right in his world again, but knowing this is just another step we (he) have to go through, more issues that need to be dealt with.

My patience is being put to the test today, but I am trusting him, which is an improvement over my past. I am not jumping to conclusions, I am not bombarding him with messages, but I am sending good vibes his way.

And Waiting.

Happy Birthday Batman. I hope it gets better.....

Still Waiting

I don't know what happened yesterday, but apparently EW struck with amazing force.

I still don't know what will be 'worth my while' and I'm not sure I'll be finding out any time soon. He told me yesterday he would tell me yesterday afternoon, but that was before EW struck. I don't know what happened, but I know he was PISSED, even at 5:00. So pissed he didn't want to talk to anyone.

He's not answering phone calls today, or emails. So, I am constantly telling myself "You've done nothing wrong. He's not mad at you. Don't push, trust, relax, give him space" but yeah, it's hard to believe. It's hard to relax and trust when I know something is wrong....even though it's not between us.

So, I wait, still. Wait. Trust. Pray. Hope. It will all be OK in the end, if it's not OK, it's not the end.

Today's Horoscope, take it for what it's worth

When a necessary piece of luck comes along at the right time, don't send it out to be analyzed. Looking for the why and how this happened (and how you can make it happen again) will only frustrate you.

That is easier said than done, for me at least. If you know me even barely, you know I have an overthinking mind. I analyze everything. I drive myself insane, and wear myself out, and yet, some times, I am helpless to stop myself.

Nestea Plunge life. Let it go. Some times when you let go of the wheel you end up right where you belong. Accept it for what it is, nothing more and nothing less.

12:00 Noon....still no word.....

He told me this morning, he would email me today. He would finally figure out exactly what would be 'worth my while'.

Patience has never been a virture of mine.......

The Balcony

I stood on the balcony, our balcony, last Thursday night, and looked out over the now familiar landscape. I was transported back in time, a few months ago, earlier this summer. I stood in this same spot, looking over the same landscape, and was struck with the realization that I was home. Even though my address was some 2 hours away, I truly lived here. This house, this family, this man, this place had become my home. I let myself drift along on the memories.

Standing there in the early morning, watching the sun come up, starting the day with B and a cup of coffee, listening, watching the world around us wake up and start the day. Watching a storm, violent, powerful roll in, feeling the wind blow and hearing it howl. Letting the power of the storm vibrate though our bodies, being powerless and mesmerized and captivated by the storm that raged around us. Standing outside at night, feeling the cool summer breeze blow around our bodies still warm from passions spent. Sitting out there one early summer morning, purging the residue of a disturbing dream, and finding the meaning hidden deep inside it. Then, when the time was right, sharing the dream and the message and lesson learned with B. It was on that balcony that the need to free myself from the tentacles of my past became abundantly clear, and where the plan started to form.

Back to present day, I stood on our balcony again, and realized it wasn’t all that long ago I had been fairly certain, I would never be back here again. And for a while, even that was true. But miracles happen, forgiveness can be given, and here I was, once again. Only it was different. The house, the town, it’s not home any more. Right now, the man isn’t mine either, not in the way he used to be. I am not his. I’m not family, I’m just a visitor, a welcome visitor, but not family. I love being there with him, but it’s not mine anymore.

We are finding our way to something new. What we shared this summer, what we felt for each other, is no more. That’s not to say we can’t find something else, we can’t make something new. There will be new memories, of that I’m sure. My home is not there. It’s not here either, it is somewhere in between yet to be determined.

I purged a lot of my past from my life this weekend. Everything up to August, up to the point I met and fell in love with Batman. Maybe the universe is telling me I need to purge that too, the residue of what was and is no more, to make way for what will be and can be and is to be. I think that takes more faith than even I can manage, and I’ve had some amazing things happen in my life recently.

You can’t go home, once you’ve left. It’s never the same again. That balcony will always be full of wonderful memories for me, it is where I first realized I needed to get away, find my own life, start over fresh. It was where the seed of strength and determination was planted. I took my first steps down the path to my new life, right there on that balcony, with Batman beside me.

I will stand there again with him someday. Maybe we’ll watch the sun rise again, maybe the breeze will blow around us, chilling us just enough that we reach for each other for warmth. Maybe there will be more moments shared there, over coffee, a sunrise, or even a sunset. I have pictures of my future on that balcony that come to me, and promise me there will be more days there. Just be patient, wait. It’s not your time, just yet, but it will be. Someday.

Christmas Tagged

I've been tagged by Junebugg at Wasted Days, Wasted Nights.

The Rules:The player of this game starts with "3 things he/she would love to get for Christmas" and also has to list "3 things he/she definitely does not want to get for Christmas". Then he/she tags 5 friends and list their names. The ones who get tagged need to write on their blogs about their Christmas wishes, as well as state this rule clearly, then tag 5 more victims. And the one who tags need to leave a comment that says "you've been Christmas tagged!" in their comments and tell them to read your blog.

Three things I would love to get for Christmas.

1. This is a no brainer. I want my second chance with Batman. I want to try again, I want him back. I love him, I know he loves me. I want a second chance so we can do it right this time.

2. Anything to do with my cameras or photography. I would love a backdrop or two, or even a new lens or two for my Nikon.

3. For my friends and family alike to find happiness, for their wishes and dreams to come true.

Three things I don't want for Christmas.

1. To find there is no chance that Batman and I will ever get our second chance.

2. For the modifications that the fathers and I have agreed upon to fall through and not be granted by the courts.

3. The Flu that seems to be going around.

Tagged: Melissa, M.S., Tennessee Becky, Maven, Susie

Steps

Small steps. That's what we're taking. Small steps back to each other, but not back to what we once had. That is gone. We will have to build new, start over, with the lessons learned from before.

Emails, phone calls, text messages, and now dates, real dates. He took me out to dinner last night. The last time we went to dinner, it was our last night 'together' as a couple. I knew that night it was going to end. Like I knew last night, we would start over.

We took the new car last night. He showed it off. Yes, it's not the Rocket, but it's nice, and it's B's car. I sat beside him, awkward, not sure what to do, what role I was expected to play. I wanted to reach over and hold his hand, or thread my arm through his, but was unsure if it would be awkward and forward and strange. He solved the problem, by reaching for mine, and holding it while we drove to town. "Thanks for coming down." he said, and gave my hand a squeeze. I smiled, and glowed inside.

We sat at the bar to eat dinner. We were the only 2 there for a minute, then an older gentleman sat down at the other end. His wife working behind the bar. We chatted with him, and the staff. Batman told them 'Thought I'd bring a good friend to dinner.', then leaned over to me and said "Is that ok?"
"Well, yeah, because it's kind of tacky to call me your piece of ass."
"Well, it's really more like I'd take my date out to dinner." he said.

He reached for my hand and held it until our dinner arrived. We ate, we laughed, we chatted with the staff. It was comfortable and familiar, easy and fun. He handed me the keys to the new car, said I could drive it home. I was reminded of the time he let me drive the Rocket for the first time. He told me then, "What's mine will eventually be yours, better get used to it. Drive it like you own it."

Last night was a mixture of the past, and the future mixing and mimicing each other. The past themes repeated in the future. Hope mixed with longing and memories. I'm not quiet ready to let go of the past, but I'm reaching for the future I see stretched out before us. I see him waiting there for me, to walk life's winding road, side by side. I know we will get there, a step at a time.

Horoscopes...again

The universe thinks you're on the right track, and it's sending you little encouragements to keep your spirits up. You're frustrated because you want a bigger sign. But just keep the faith and hold on. It's coming.

There’s my horoscope for today. The universe thinks I’m on the right track, and believe you me, there have been a plethora of encouragements keeping my spirits up and hopes alive. But yeah, I do want BIGGER signs, Sure things. I don’t want “I’ll make it worth your while.” I want, “We’ll try again.”

Hold on, keep the faith, it’s coming…..Patience is a virtue, but it’s never been one of mine. I have none, and when it comes to Batman, I have even less. I want him, and I want him now! *Stomping my feet, holding my breath*

I know, though, when we have the rest of our lives, what’s a little while longer? What’s a day, or 2, a week or 2 or even a month or 2?

I’ll tell you what it is………..Forever.

5 pounds? No problem

With these trays of goodies sitting right on the ledge of my cubicle, the 5 pounds should be well within my reach...this week alone.

5 Pounds, 5 Pounds, My Man back for 5 Pounds

I had a real, official date last night. Even according to him, it was a real, official date. He took me out to dinner. He took the kids home early b/c Princess was sick and wanted Mommy. He called me and asked if I wanted to come down. Well, he made me an offer I just couldn’t refuse.

When I got there, he took me out to dinner, at this wonderful little place that is a converted church. We were talking about a wedding of some friends that will take place next summer. I told him, “I would still love to do the bridal shoot for A, even though you and I aren’t dating and I probably won’t make the wedding.”
“Well, you know, this constitutes a date. And I’m pretty sure, you’ll make C and A’s wedding this summer.”

Hmmmm….

Lying in bed last night, we started talking about my weight. I think it had something to do with the fact that I barely ate anything at dinner. He told me, “You know, you really do need to start eating more. I’d like to see you gain about 5 pounds. At least.”
Why?
You and I both know 115 isn't a healthy weight for you.
Ok, but what happens if I don't?
I'll cut you off.
You'll end up cutting yourself off too, so that's not going to work.
I could make you wait another 3 weeks....
You'll wait 3 weeks with me. So what do I get if I gain 5 pounds?
H*** P**** (edited)
I get that now, at 115.
OK, more h*** p****.
How much more?
I'll make it all worth your while....
Uh, huh, worth my while?
Gain 5 pounds and I'll make it worth your while.....
Like long term worth my while?
I'll make it worth your while.

Ok, while I don’t know exactly what ‘worth your while’ means, but I have my suspicions. I know that gaining the extra 5 pounds should be for myself, and not for him, but anyone who knows me, really knows me, knows, I won’t gain the 5 pounds on my own.

5 pounds, 5 pounds, the love of my life, for 5 pounds. Bring on the cookies!

Fresh Starts, shedding the past, reaching for the future

Yesterday was rough, and for the first time, the tears that plagued my day weren't because of Batman. They were tears of sadness, tears of anger, tears of relief, the whole gaumet of emotions. But they are dried up and gone today. After all, it's a whole new day.

For the most part now, the fights in my life, the battles I faced, are over. It's just a matter of signing peace treaties now, and cleaning up the mess. I have finally cut my way free of the tenticles that clung to my life from my past. My life, is now, my life. The Slug and C1 can no longer control or manipulate my life. It is time to let go of the past, look to the future and start planning my new life.

I started yesterday. I started cleaning out my apartment. Throwing away dead weight, reminders of past baggage that I no longer need. I threw away 15 empty Captain Morgan bottles, left over from the young Knucklehead. I threw away an empty Mich Ultra beer bottle from the other Knucklehead. I even threw away an empty Jack Daniels bottle and a Black Label whiskey bottle from Boo. (God, I sound like a lush, and aparently, all my reminders of the men in my past was wrapped up in alcohol.) Anyway, they all went to the dumpster. Gone.

I have put all the momentos of my past in boxes, at least the important ones. The ticket from Daytona, the brochures from Hard Rock Cafe, Universal Boardwalk, Pat O'Brien's, the Mardi Gras beads. I have taken all reminders of all the men in my life and put them away. I no longer need them. I don't want to forget the memories and the things we did, or the places we went, but I don't need to cling to them, nor do I need to see them every day. They are my past, they are not a part of my future. I thought I loved them once, I was wrong. I cared about them deeply, but it wasn't love. My love, my life, is B.

I am cutting lose all the ties that have bound me to the past, achored me in pain, hurt, sadness, and have held me back from reaching for true love, and true happiness, and all that I can be. I am once again, shedding more layers of myself, saying goodbye to the person I was, and reaching towards the person I want to become. I am letting go of old hurts, past anger, pain, resentments, grudges. I am forgiving them, and myself, and I am moving on. I am not going to forget the past, or the lessons learned. I just will not allow it to hold me down, or hold me back, or control me any more.

I have a new life ahead of me. Free from the past, a new life that is mine. A chance to start fresh, and do it right. I want that more than anything. I can't wait to move to our new home, our new life, and start over. Sure it's scary and uncertain, but I know the girls and I can do it and we will love it. 6 months from now. Just 6 months.

Mixed Emotions

In the past 24 hours, Bo's father C1, and I have come to some sort of an agreement in regards to Bo's custody, and living arrangement. I wish I could say that it came about as easily as the girls' did, but that was not the case.

I still believe, (regardless of how often or how loudly he proclaims otherwise) that C1 is doing this, and being the coniving, pretentious, controlling, manipulative asshole he has always been, not because he believes it is in Bo's best interest, but because he is using this as a way to control and punish me.

He yelled, he screamed, the threatened, he blackmailed. He has absolutely no qualms with dragging our son through a very bitter, very ugly, very tramatic custody battle, just to get what he thinks is best for our son. I happen to love Bo enough to roll over and play dead, and take it up the ass just to prevent him from having to suffer that kind of trauma and drama and emotional battery the court battle would put him through.

C1 was completely unwilling to bend on any given point in the modification and repeatedly threatened me with "If you think this is bad and unreasonable, you should see what I could have and should have asked for. I would have stripped you of every single right in regards to my son. You would have had nothing. I'm throwing you a bone by allowing you to continue to see him and have visitation."

Excuse the fuck out of me? Your son? I was there at the hospital when that child took his first breath and yeah, I don't remember it being your belly that was laying sliced open on that operating table. I don't remember you being the one to carry that baby around for 10 months. And I sure as hell don't remember you changing all that many diapers or feeding him all that many meals. So, don't go down that road, asshole, he's not just your son. I brought him into this world. Fuck you.

And really, you're doing me a huge ass favor by allowing me to continue to see him? Let me tell you, unless you can prove that I am completely unfit (and there is no fucking way in Hell you can) you can't keep me from seeing him.

Let me tell you want I have allowed you to do. I have allowed you to brainwash him so that he can no longer think for himself. He follows your lead, and does exactly what he thinks you want him to do. I have allowed you to teach him it is ok to sit around on your fat lazy ass all day doing nothing more productive than playing worthless mind numbing video games. (and believe me I remember the days of our marriage when it was just too much fucking trouble for you to turn the video games off, get up off your lazy ass, and take a shower, for days on end!!! You were a filthy nasty pig. And now, Bo seems to think it's ok to go DAYS without a shower or brushing his teeth or his hair. UGH!) And now it seems I have allowed you one more time to bend me over and fuck me (and it's still all about you, and it still sucks for me, but it's nice to know nothing has changed since we were married) and you get your way. The only (and I stress ONLY) reason this is going through without a fight, is because I believe Bo is in such a bad place emotionally and mentally I don't want to cause more damage to him, by dragging him through a bitter, ugly nasty court battle. But believe me, If it were just you and me, I would fight you tooth and nail on every single point, to the fucking letter, and I would win, I don't give a flying fuck how long it would take.

So, where does the mixed emotions come into play? Yeah, well, there is guilt that I didn't fight harder for my son. That I in effect just rolled over and agreed to give sole legal custody of him to his father. There is also guilt in the realization that in doing that I feel a sense of relief that things at my house will be less stressful, that everyone involved will be happier. There is also relief that even though I didn't get exactly what I wanted, this albatross that has been hanging around my neck for the past month has finally been cut free and I no longer have to carry the weight of this issue around with me anymore.

I just found that when face to face with this battle, it was going to bigger, uglier, nastier and longer than I was willing to put my son through, and therefore, I chose not to pick up the sword. A part of me feels defeated, a part of me feels victorious, b/c I loved my son enough to set aside my own wants and needs and did what I thought was best for him, and that was to avoid the emotional mess a court battle would have created for him.

And so, now, it is finished, except for the technical things, like getting a judge to rule on both modifications. Once that has been done, it wil finally be completely over. But for now the fight is over and done. It's just a matter of signing the peace agreement, cleaning up the mess, and going hom.

Christmas Specials

How many of these can you name?

1. "Roast Beast is a feast I can't stand in the least"
2. "Nobody wants a CHARLIE in the Box"
3. "Happy Birthday!"
4. "I am a bank robber! I have come to rob your bank!"
5. "That's TWO! TWO worried Frogs!"
6. "It came without packages, boxes or bags."
7. "Don't forget the chocolate pot roast with smishmashio... With smiminish... With yogurt."
8. "It's not a bad little tree. All it needs is a little love!"
9. "Fog's as thick as peanut butter!"
10. "Santa doesn't leave presents under the bodhi tree!"--"Do you think we can bribe her back with Christmas?"-- "You can save more souls with roller skates and Easy Bake Ovens than you can with this 2000 page sleeping pill!"
11. "We evil magicians have to make a living too!"
12. "I heard there is no Christmas. In the silly Middle East. No trees, no snow, no Santa Claus. They have different religious beliefs..."
13. "Me I want a Hula Hoop!"
14. "Every Christmas it's all the same! I always end up playing a shepherd."
15. "Haven't I ever told you anything about Bumbles? BUMBLES Bounce!"
16. "Christmas. It's not the getting. It's not giving. It's the loving. There. I said it. Now get outta here!"

I have the answers, so don't worry, but this really isn't that hard....

For Now

Today my mind is full of him, and memories of the time we shared last night. If my feet have touched the ground today, I don’t know it, my head has been in the clouds.

I remember the feel of him, the taste of him. The energy that sizzled between us last night, trying to keep it in check until we could ‘gracefully’ be excused to run upstairs to his room. Trying to walk calmly up those stairs like adults without a care in the world, when inside we were dying from anticipation like kids on Christmas morning.

Regardless of what label we use to define our relationship, there is no denying the connection and chemistry we share. I adore him. Not the idea of him, not the hope of him, the reality of him. The way his voice in my ear, over the phone, can still touch my very core, and light a burning fire in me. The way I ache to hear his voice, feel his touch, taste his lips, his body. I love the feel of his hands on my body. I love the way he knows exactly where and how to touch. I love that he knows me so well, he knows exactly what I need before I do. He anticipates my needs, my wants, my desires and gives them without hesitation. I love seeing his pleasure at watching me enjoy him. I love that we feed off of each other. I love giving myself to him, I love the way he takes me.

Laying on the bed last night, watching television, he laid down behind me, so comfortable and familiar. Home again. But like they say, you can’t really ever go home again, and this was no exception. It was different, but still familiar and comfortable. His arms reached around me and pulled me close. My body responded to his touch with thought, without hesitation. ‘It’s really good to see you again’ he said to me. “Yeah, I’ve missed you too.” I thought. I reached for him, he kissed me, I felt like I was sinking and floating at the same time. His mouth on mine, his lips soft and tender at first, our bodies responded and took over, thoughts ceased. All that mattered was being with him.

I lay beside him last night, listening to him breathe as he slept. I reached out and touched him, and even in his sleep, he snuggled in closer to me. I wrapped my arms around him and held him close to me, breathing in the scent of him. I almost lost this. Not just the man who is both friend and lover to me, but all that he gives to me, just because he is.

I don’t know what tomorrow brings for us. I am sure there will be more nights like last night, at least I hope there will. It is enough for now.

Just a note

Ok, I think I made it 'round to everyone in the past day or 2 and left a comment or more on your blogs. Again, if you can't leave a comment here, I'm sorry. I hope Blogger gets it's shit together soon.

Tonight I am going 'home' again for the night. I'm going to spend the night at Batman's house. He's getting his Christmas present tonight, and well, I'm getting a little something too. *grinning* *Wink wink*. Christmas is a time for miracles, and well, I seem to be getting them in abundance this year. Thank Jiminy because I'm broke and I'm getting nothing else for Christmas. This one, I'll take, any day, every day, as often as I can.

Have a good night everyone, I'll be here in the morning.

Hallmark Sucks

I went to Halmark today at lunch, trying to find a Christmas Card to put with B's gift (he's getting it tonight BTW). You know, Hallmark has a card for almost every single occassion, reason, person, with one glaring exception.

They don't have a card that says "I fell in love with you 4 months ago, and I believe that we are meant to be together till death us do part. Except that I let my demons from my past cloud my judgement and feed my insecurities and I made a HUGE mistake. I thought I had lost you forever, but I haven't lost you completely. I'm glad we're friends and who knows what will happen someday down the road."

They have wonderful romantic, and sappy, and sweet and disgusting cards for husbands, and for lovers. They have funny, platonic, stupid cards for friends. What they don't have is a card somewhere in the middle. They don't make a card for me to give him. The one where I love him still and believe we'll work this out somehow, even though he's not so sure right now.

They really need to work on that.

An apology of sorts

To all my readers out there who have been unable to leave comments on my blog since I have switched over to Blooger Beta, please let me take a moment to say

I am truly sorry.

I didn't realize that making the switch would cause so many people difficulties and problems. I was beginning to wonder why the love had stopped, because I was getting fewer and fewer comments. I realize now that I still have visitors, I just have a stupid blog format that won't allow them to share the love.

How was I to know that making a switch that was more user friendly for me (b/c I use gmail as my email address) would be such a pain in the ass for all my friends? I know it sounds selfish, and for that I am sorry. The decision to switch truly wasn't a selfish one.

I hope blogger gets this mess fixed soon! I miss my peeps!

Cookie Day!!!!

Every year, my mother, my sister and I and all of our kids get together to have a Cookie day. We spend as much of the day as we can possibly stand making as many different kinds of Christmas cookies as possible. This is the day the rules get thrown out the window. Want a cookie for breakfast? Fine, have 2. Whatever the kids want, they get. They help make the cookies, measuring, mixing, shaping, decorating, tasting the dough, watching the timer, staying out of the way. We not only make cookies, we make memories they will treasure.

Got all the tools of the trade out on the counter, waiting to measure, to stir, to shape, to bake, to decorate, and to start all over again.



Messes will be the norm, make a batch of cookies, make a mess, bake the cookies, clean up the mess, and start all over again, on the next batch of cookies.

Sugar, flour, eggs, butter, peanut butter, walnuts, chocolate chips, Snickers™ candy bars, everything we need to make enough cookies to make even Santa sick.

The Chefs:

Take the time to teach Bo how to read a recipe, how to measure flour, sugar. Spend time making cookies, and memories.

With every spoon of flour added, is also a dash, a pinch a sprinkle of love.



Apparently there was just enough ‘love’ added to that dough to make the three of them work together to shape the cookies.

Chocolate Crinkles

Chocolate chip/toffee cookies

Lined up like soldiers, marching off to be baked.

Sugar cookies, decorated with holiday sprinkles, waiting to bring smiles to the little ones waiting for mom to say “Cookies are done!”

At the end of the day, we have more cookies than we can possibly eat, but it's the holidays. The mom's are exhausted, the kids are bouncing on sugar highs. The messes are cleaned up, the dishes all washed, the flour, the sugar, the eggs and butter all put away. There will be a wide assortment of cookies for days to come. There will be memories to last a lifetime.